Last week, Brendon and I had the chance to catch “The Great Gatsby” at the movie theater after I got off work. (We were both shocked that it’s $10.25 a piece to see a movie now.) It had been a book that we had both read in high school and knowing it was a love story, it could not be that bad if it was not that great of a movie. Overall, I enjoyed it though the beginning was slow. I love the signature song: Young and Beautiful by Lana Del Rey. I like the quality of her voice. One current trend of music has been women with unique voice qualities like Lana Del Rey, Florence Welch from Florence and the Machine, and Adele. The chorus is really touching:
Will you still love me when I’m no longer young and beautiful?
Will you still love me when I have nothing but an aching soul?
I know you will. I know you will. I know that you will.
Will you still love me when I’m no longer beautiful?
During the movie, I thought of Brendon when it played. We are meant for each other even when we are no longer young and beautiful. Our hearts will forever be entwined in each other.
This week I had a minor surgery. The doctor has made me take off work. It has given Brendon and I more time to see each other. He has been over every single day after work. That has been nice. He even surprised me with a box full of gifts to help me recover from my surgery. He is just so sweet.
Right now we are both looking for different jobs. The current company we work for is on the verge of collapse if not turned around from the direction they are headed in. I am looking into possibly doing retail for Yankee Candle Company. I have never done retail before but think I would enjoy it. Just trying to take the next step in my life.
(Photo of Brandon Brown and Colby Melvin Courtesy of Facebook)
Easter went better than either of us could have expected. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would have a husband in my parent’s house sitting down and eating a meal. My parents genuinely liked Brendon and Brendon liked them. Brendon is a handy man; loves to fix things. He was able to connect in a way with my dad that I never could. We had dinner and slipped away into the basement where we watched The Guardians, that my siblings had rented, wrapped up together in a blanket. A sweet happy time together. My grandparents did not ask anything about us being together. I do not know if my mom has talked about it with my grandma but I have never said anything about my sexuality to them. My parents had always not wanted me to talk about it. Now we are in a different phase than before. Brendon’s family did invite him to have dinner with them last minute. After finishing the movie, dessert, and going for a walk; he went over to spend time with his family.
My mom later commented that she loves Brendon and I and cannot help being a mom to him though she does not believe that our relationship is right. I can respect that. I am glad that she sees that we are together and I did not have to point it out.
(Photo Courtesy of Pablo Needs Amused via Tumblr)
In spending time together yesterday, Brendon brought up the next phase of our relationship. With much stress in his life now, he has decided to move back home to become more financially stable. His current move has only put him deeper in debt and stressed him out more than ever. I can see and understand the decision. More than anything; I support him as I know it is hard to do but it will be best for our future. He sees it as an opportunity to help out his family and himself at the same time. His mom could use the help and he wants to be there for Ethan as he continues his journey with AIDS. When it comes to time together, it will force us to go out and do something: go to the park, out to eat, or to the movies. Mostly we have just lounged around on the weekends because we are both tired from the stressful work week. I think it will help us deepen and strengthen our relationship even more. There is also the option of going back to his parents house to watch a movie and cuddle.
It can be difficult going over to his parent’s house because of his step-dad Tony. None of Brendon’s friends and family really care for Tony and I do not really either but I make the best of it. I remind myself that I need to love him as I would anyone else though he can be a challenge to get along with. In time it is also a possibility that he could hang out at my parent’s house.
Since Brendon’s family was not really planning anything for Easter, my mom invited him over to share a meal with us and hang out. My mom has meet him in passing but this is the first time my family will meet him. My mom’s parents will also be joining us for Easter. They have no clue I am gay. Both Brendon and I are nervous about it but it should be easier than dinner with his family. Though each of our families have their little quirks, we can always work with the one that is easier to deal with. I am interested to see how my brother reacts to us as he is anti-gay marriage and anti-gay in general. It sounds like a recipe for disaster but I am hoping for the best. Hopefully everyone will have control and posse to not make this family dinner more awkward than it needs to be.
(Colby J. Melvin & Brandon Brown Photo Courtesy of Facebook)
Brendon and I have now been together 3 months and “married” for a month. It has been an adventure. Not so good this past Saturday as we headed to a production of Guys and Dolls that my high school had put on but even more amazing than I had thought on Sunday. A roller coaster of emotions on the track of life and relationship. More than anything, I am glad he is there and that I am there to be able to be there for him.
I decided that I am not going to audition for the summer theatre shows in my community. A local theatre company will be doing The Rocky Horror Show in October. Just an ensemble part in the show would be enough for me. They are also doing The Importance Of Being Earnest in May so I hopefully will audition for that as well.
Currently there has been restlessness between Brendon and one of his neighbors. To put simply: there are too loud. Loud TV, loud yelling – both the mother and the daughter, even being able to hear his neighbor pee through the wall. He is thinking about moving again to another place in our town that would be cheaper and better for him. There is many problems with where he lives now in his own place and with the neighbors. He wants to talk to the landlord about soundproofing the walls between them but with the lack of action that the landlord has taken thus far I doubt he will want to do anything about it. Brendon’s medicine cabinet and back door knob are still broken from when he moved in even after he called the landlord. The driveway is yet another nightmare that needs to be changed and worked on. Brendon was also thinking about getting a roommate as he says he is lonely but i think he is too fed up with the neighbors that moving seems to be the better option.
I am looking forward to living together with Brendon. It will be different than anything I have known before. The reason why we have not already is I would like to get all my debt payed off before I move in. Free my money up to live and not have to balance a college payment with everything else. Brendon is willing to work with me but I would rather be able to pay my fair share for everything. We will see what happens with that.
Things are looking up! Hope is always here!
(Colby J. Melvin & Brandon Brown Photo Courtesy of Facebook)
In trying to find my next step, I will be getting into local theatre. I have currently been a part of six different productions throughout my high school and college career. There is a theatre organization that will be putting on two different shows this summer that I hope to be a part of. Many pieces will have to fall into place though. Currently working second shift at my job creates a problem when it comes to attending rehearsals. My supervisor did say that they would be willing to talk about a shift change if something did come up. If everything did work out, it would be beneficial in more ways than one. I would be able to do something that I enjoy and be able to attend rehearsals but it would also allow me to work the same hours as Brendon. As always when doing a show there is pretty much no free time but it would allow me to see Brendon more than I currently would working different shifts. I have got in contact as well with my previous vocal coach and she is open to working with me again. She is definitely an inspiration; a wonder to work with.
As I looked out on my college life being a Elementary Education and Theatre Performance double major I found myself to be unhappy in more ways than I wanted to be. The biggest part was I did not want to spend so much time on a show that I simply did not care about though my major required me to be. It was also a hard balancing act when it came to acting class, shows, and other classes not at all dealing with theatre. College was an emotional and metaphorical suicide. I feel like I can give more now that I do not have as many different areas of my life starving to get my attention.
Before I dropped out of college for financial reasons, I had a wonderful semester in Beginning Acting. I felt that I was actually getting somewhere. To define me as a great actor would be untrue but I am working on it and would like to become better. The biggest hurdle that theatre wanted me to overcome was to accept my sexuality. Theatre requires transparency and vulnerability from its actors. I could not be vulnerable in a role until I became vulnerable in my own life. I see this time as different. Theatre helped me to deal and grow through the situations I had and now I want to further embrace them so that others can be inspired to make a difference in their own life and/or in others lives.
Plunging myself into theatre will gain me the confidence that I desperately need. I find myself unhappy and ashamed with where I am in life and yet wondering where to go and what path I should take for the future. I want to help people and make a difference. This is one way to do that. Making candles in a factory is not something I want to be doing for the rest of life. As I look around, I see the trouble the economy is having and the lack of jobs. Realistically there just is not much out there. I know I have much potential waiting to bloom and thrive. The problem comes with what environment, what career, would best cultivate it. I feel that I have been given too many gifts and talents to honor them all. Where do I fit in? I could do pretty much anything. What is a career that combines my gifts and talents but yet also satisfy me? I am on a journey to find it and I have theatre by my side to help me out.
Please wish me the best as I embark on this new chapter of my life.
I just wanted to write this post for closure. Last night Brendon and I hung out. As always, he let his dogs out to do their business before they would be in for the night. Rascal always goes out first. No problems there. When Bella went out, she got loose and came unhooked from the lead. This is the third time it has happened. Brendon looked around the house for her but could not find her. With not that much gas in his car, he did not want to go looking for her when it could take hours and still not find her. Neither of us wanted her to freeze but there was not anything really we could do. She did not have any tags on her because Brendon has been juggling around money since he moved and there just wasn’t any at the time for that. It is bittersweet as she was a big stress in Brendon’s life. It does not really make sense that she ran away either. I personally think she was abused before Brendon got her in order to have puppies. She was so skittish and shy. She would back up when you were trying to take the lead off of her. Whenever she was out, she would always pace. She would make a pattern and go from one end of it to the other over and over and over.
On the positive side, Brendon got back half of his security deposit from his previous place. Now money won’t be as tight.
Being with Brendon, as I have told him before, has shown me the world and what life is really like. It is opened my eyes to reality; both the good and the bad.
Brendon also had to take his mother to the ER. She is having problems with her hip and now has to use a walker. There never seems to seise to be things going on within his family. Ethan is in and out of the hospital and that is hard on everyone. One of his sisters is pregnant again. It is just a lot. I am so proud of him for what he deals with and goes through. It is not easy but he is a fighter and he gets through.
Last night he was just so tired so we fell asleep in each other’s arms before I had to go home. It was so cute and so precious.