Thoughts on Premarital Sex

I was asked to start off my blog with a post about my thoughts on premarital sex. Simply put, I think that any form of premarital sex was not God’s intention when He created it. God created sex to be beautiful and perfect but sin and the human race has corrupted it and turned it into something dirty.

When it comes to gay men and lesbians, I believe that their sexual encounters with their husbands/wives are not condemned by God. Two gay men having sex who are also married is, what I believe, acceptable to God. Just because gay men can have sex and have little to no visible consequences does not mean that we as gay Christian men should participate in it. There are invisible consequences to premarital sex that are not seen until later. When someone has premarital sex with multiple partners over time, every time they have sex with another person, they are losing intimacy in their sexual encounters. As a person continues to have sex, they need to have it more and more to get the same feeling that they once had. This creates them to obsess about sex when God has a greater purpose for their life than just sex.

Marriage is a bond of two people coming together as one. Sex is also a bond of two people coming together as one. Marriage and sex accomplish the same goal and are best used together.

I believe that all sex is acceptable to God under marriage but what about gay and lesbian relationships? At this point in time, it is not legal everywhere in the United States for two men or two women to legally get married. Marriage though is defined in the Bible as a covenant between two people and God. Since this is true, two men or two women can be married under God even if people do not recognize their marriage or they do not have the legal documentation of a marriage. If two people exchange something with each other and see God as a part of their marriage (pray to God as they come together), I would consider them married because they have made a promise to one another and to God. Is this beneficial? For some, it is. For others, they would rather be legally married. For instance, a gay couple might not be able to have time to travel to one of the states that provides marriage for same-sex couples so they would make a vow to themselves and to God and they would be married. It could be used as a promise, a looking ahead to getting legally married. I would include straight couples in this as well though there would not be much need for it. If they want to get married, they could also vow to themselves and to God and be married. The two reasons that we have legal marriages is (1) to get the “perks” of be married from the government and society (example: taxes). (2) It is to publicly announce that two people are being married and to let the people in their lives keep them accountable for their commitment/covenant to one other (and to God). It is the same purpose as baptism for Christians. Baptism is used to publicly announce that someone is a Christian and for other Christians to come alongside them and help them in their walk with God.

What is the purpose of marriage if you could have sex with whoever you wanted to beforehand? Your husband would just be a friend that you would have sex with because you have slept around. He would not mean as much to you sexually because you had slept around. I would not be surprised if someone had slept around and then married someone simply because they were the greatest sex they had ever had. I am not attracted to your personality or your interests or who you are as a person but you rock my world in bed. That really does not make a very successful marriage at all.

A big problem with Christians (generally speaking) and marriage is sex is rarely talked about or talked about correctly in church. Being a teenager, there is curiosity about sex but they believe that sex is only acceptable to God under marriage. This causes them to rush into relationships and marriage just because they want to have sex. This creates bad marriages because the focus is solely on sex and not the other person’s personality, interests, or who they as a person. The Bible also talks about divorce and that God does not like divorce. Would you put a lot of time and energy into finding the person who you are going to marry and be with for the rest of your life? Even though you had sex under the umbrella of marriage, the divorce is still wrong. I know as gay men we tend to want to rush through things when it comes to relationships. The purpose of dating is to find a person who you will one day marry. If you do not know a person and you start dating them, more likely than not there is going to be something that they do or believe that you do not agree with. Whatever it is will blow you out of the water. I can not marry someone who does this or believes this and then you have to break up because they are not the right person for you. Save all of the hurt and heartbreak and truly get to know a person before you start dating them. Make sure you could potentially see being married to them before you start dating them. Marriage is two people doing life together. If you can not see yourself living with that person 24/7 then you probably should not be dating them.

Recently, I watched a sermon series from Andy Stanley called Love, Sex, and Dating (If you are interested, it is available on his website). I really enjoy Andy Stanley as a pastor and watch his sermons pretty regularly. The two main points to this series where (1) Be the person you want to be with and (2) What is your story? The first point is if you pursue becoming someone that you would want to date, you will attract others who would want to be with someone like the person you want to date. This thinking gives you guidance in bettering yourself for your future husband. Think about what qualities the man of your dreams is like and ask yourself do I have those qualities? If you work on your weak spots and gain ground in some of the areas that you are weak, guys with the qualities you are looking for will be more into you than if you did not ask yourself these questions and make some changes. What I am not saying is that you shouldn’t be yourself. Be who God has created you to be but also work on the qualities of being a godly gay man that are displayed for us in the Bible. Have the character traits that a Christian should have. The second point goes along with the first. Every gay man wants to have a boyfriend who is a virgin and loves only him. They get happily married and possibly have kids. They have a wonderful marriage together. No one wants a guy who has slept around to be their boyfriend or husband. Gay Christian men are looking for other men who want to be able to tell their future husband “I saved my virginity for you because you’re special to me and I wanted to be with only you. Throughout my life, I’ve done the best I can serving God and following Him.” Why don’t we live out our lives like this? It is tough is why but we can do anything with God’s help. Even to the gay Christian men who have had sex before being married, you can decide to turn your life around now and tell your future husband that I was one way but now I changed and I want to be everything God wants me to be for you as my husband. That is more attractive than I lived a sloppy life and here I am ready to marry you. Also, please do not lie to the person/people whom you date/have married about your story because the truth will eventually come out and it will hurt the both of you.

A big thing for me personally is I do not think I could get over marrying a guy who had had sex before. To me, I would feel like he is constantly comparing me to the other guys that he has had sex with. I would not feel special having sex with him, I would feel like I am just another number. God has created sex to be explored in marriage. Two men figuring out their sexual identities and preferences together. I would encourage though talking about sex while you are dating to figure out what preferences the guy you are dating has. Some guys are not compatible sexually with other guys. For example, two bottoms or two tops. You can not really know what you are until you do have sex but you can still have a good handle on it without “doing the deed”. That is the fun of sex: exploring it together. Maybe something goes wrong or you find you do not like something that you thought you would, it continues to make you come together and talk about it and interact with one another.

Please do not respond to this post and try to debate with me or with others on your individual view on premarital sex. I encourage discussion about the topics that I present on my blog but please do not make a debate on who is right and who is wrong. God has made us capable of grasping only so much knowledge. He is God and I am not so I will not understand everything until I meet my Creator in Heaven. As a grow older though, I learn more and more and see how naive I was when I was younger. Opinions and views can definitely change over the course of a lifetime.

For those of you who are reading this and have had premarital sex before, know that I do not judge you for what you have done. Know that you are still loved by God. He does not approve of what you did but He still loves you and wants a relationship with you. Please know as well that it is never too late to start living your life the way God wants you to. There are Christians who have had premarital sex and regretted it and are now waiting until marriage. No matter where you are in life, God can use the situations you are in and turn them into something wonderful. Your sex life is no exception.


4 responses to “Thoughts on Premarital Sex

  • Tom

    Hello, I do appreciate your desire to follow God and his loving plan got each of us. I appreciate you commitment to being a Christian, Jesus says to follow him and to re new our souls by being born again. I to enjoyed listening to Andy Stanley’s love, sex and dating. The truth is we are to be the person that God has planned for us to be. To respect our bodies God gave us and that our sexuality is connected to our soul.
    Andy always encourages us to open and read the bible. I also appreciated his series called Christian. I just wanted to say that I can’t just take snippets from sermons and choose parts that will allow me to still sin in front of God. 18:00 minutes of part 3 of love, dating and sex he stress one woman one man. He wants to stress to the church, to Christians to flee from sexual sin. Not because God will hate you more, not because God not forgive, not because God won’t love you less but because sexual sin hurts the soul. God is good and wants us to know how he wants us to live.

    • jmtromm

      Thank you for your comment.

      Currently, I’m going through Andy Stanley’s “Big Church” series. I have not had a chance to go through his “Christian” series yet but I definitely will sometime soon.

      Through much research, I have come to the conclusion that being gay and Christian can be possible and is acceptable to God. There are people who use the Bible to support their view of being gay and being Christian.

      I do not want to turn this post into a debate on whether or not acting out someone’s gay sexuality is acceptable to God as the focus of this post is on premarital sex. We would both agree that God does not like people having premarital sex. if you would like me to post specifically on what I believe when it comes to my faith and sexuality, I would be more than happy to do that. If you would like to continue the discussion on sexuality and Christianity, feel free to e-mail me at and I would be more than happy to discuss that with you as well.

      Have a great day!

      • tomfcabral

        Thanks for responding! Yes, “big church” series is really good. The topic of premarital sex. Is an important discussion. Commend you for addressing it and being open about it. God wants us to be responsible with the gift of sexuality and is important enough the address it in the bible. God bless.

  • Gay Apostolics (@gayapostolics)

    Growing up in a very legalistic religious environment I never once felt conviction for being gay. I did however, on several occasions, feel convicted by what some call loose moral living.
    Because gay folks find it near impossible to marry [as hetros can marry several times in their lifetime] it makes it hard to convince our community that it is best to wait. But that is exactly what needs to be done. I think that we are living in the age of enlightenment [don’t take my word for it] knowledge is everywhere. Today, if folks don’t learn from their parents there are statistics online that discourage promiscuous behavior.
    Most of all, I think premarital sex is not God’s design. Sometimes folks don’t think that there are consequences to our actions. Good or bad… I believe we reap what we sow. These days couple are finding ways to stay together. In some states it’s even legal to marry. Consider this; If you found that special someone that the Lord has designed you to spend the rest of your life would you prefer someone that has saved them-self for you or the town ho???

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