Monthly Archives: June 2012

A New Approach

As I was reading in one of the many blog posts that I have read, one of it’s bloggers wondered if they had found “their voice” for their blog. Usually I write posts that have a lesson or purpose. That was “the voice” of my blog. Recently I decided I wanted to change that voice. Everything that is influencing my life should be “the voice” of my blog. I am just a gay Christian man going through life much like everyone else. What makes me different are my experiences. No one else in the world has experienced all the same things I have. Every person is special and unique because they all have had different experiences that have shaped their lives, for better or for worse. I would like to share those experiences with my readers so that something might be gained and learned about people, the human condition, sexuality, or any other topic that might come up. It all comes back to my “Living Real” post. I would like to be real and honest in my blog posts so that my readers would see life, possibly from a different perspective than they did before, and hopefully create a dialogue about it and/or be impacted to see something new that they had never seen before. There are always areas of our lives that we should not talk about publicly. I will not write my blog without a filter but I will be honest about the situations and events of my life.

In pondering “Living Real”, what if celebrities did this? Sure, they would have a filter too but if they were honest about their struggles and the current life that they live. I think that we would not view them as “way up there” compared to us. It would be a healthy/healthier view of other people. We all have the power to do great things, no matter what field it is in. It all comes down to our work ethic, dedication, passion, and organization to our goal/dream. It also depends on what God wants for us in our lives. In putting yourselves out there, especially celebrities, there will always be people who will judge and criticize and use what they know or what they think they know against others but that is just the price of  “living real”. I think more people would appreciate honest people who show that they are human just like everyone else. Much of the life of a celebrity has to do with reputation. All people care about their reputation – how other people perceive them. “If someone knew I was struggling with this, they would not like me. My reputation would be ruined!” This mindset just kills people as they try to show people that everything is wonderful in their lives when it is far from the truth. Living life fake has been tried by many people but look at where it has got us. Let us “live real”.

A couple mornings ago I was getting ready for work, making my lunch in the kitchen. My parents start hugging each other and kissing.  They did this on two different occasions in the kitchen that morning. One of my sisters (I am the oldest of five children) who will be a sophomore in high school has her boyfriend over on a regular basis, pretty much a daily basis. It frustrates me that my parents are against me having that with another man. What is so bad about two men being together? We love just the same as straight couples love. Being around both of these experiences makes me want someone who I can love and cherish. When it comes to looking for someone, I am kind of in limbo. Recently, I had a short relationship with another gay Christian but he broke it off because he does not know what he believes when it comes to his sexuality. I totally respect him for that. I feel like I should take a break for a while. At least until I am out of my parent’s house. I have decided to not go behind my parent’s wishes and respect their decisions for me while I am living under their roof. My previous relationship was behind their backs though I never did get caught. I just do not like all the stress and panic in sneaking around though I am still interested in some gay Christian friends that could turn into something more in the future. It is hard to find another guy that shares the same beliefs that I do when the majority of Christians are homophobic. There will always be a spark of hope in my heart that that guy is out there waiting for me to find him. If it were me, I would rather find him sooner than later.

The idea that gay men are all about lust and sex is a lie. We are just like straight couples. Do straight men get horny and turned on on a regular basis? It is no different with gay men. Relationships are not solely for sex. If that is what a gay man wanted, there are many different options of finding it. The purpose of any relationship, whether straight or gay, is to live life with another person, to share special moments with someone that you love and care about.  That is what I look for in another man. Sex comes into play when two people are committed to each other and the greatest way to show their love is through sex. Sex is the climax of two people in love. I do think about what it will be like my first time with my husband but that time will come after the right man comes along.

From the traditional interpretation of the Bible on homosexuality, same sex relationships are considered sin and wrong.

“Don’t you realize that those who do wrong will not inherit the Kingdom of God? Don’t fool yourselves. Those who indulge in sexual sin, or who worship idols, or commit adultery, or are male prostitutes, or practice homosexuality, or are thieves, or greedy people, or drunkards, or are abusive, or cheat people—none of these will inherit the Kingdom of God.” – 1 Corinthians 6:9-10, NLT

This is just one of the verses used to condemn gay people. It is in a laundry list of other things as well that are said to condemn someone to Hell. If someone does not go to Heaven (Kingdom of God), in Christianity, they go to Hell. The whole basis of Christianity is love. God loved so He created. God sent His son Jesus to die on the cross for the sins of humanity. God loves each and everyone of us today and wants a personal relationship with us. If the basis of Christianity is love, why is my love for another man wrong? Jesus himself says “So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other.” – John 13:34. As Christians, we are called to love yet my love for another man is wrong. Logically it does not make sense.

Another thought that I have had is in the traditional view of homosexuality, gay relationships are condemned. I ask the question: Why? It seems clear to me why God cautions Christians to not be a part of the multitude of different things in the Bible but why gay relationships (essentially)? One reason I have come up with is because God is God and I am man. God created me and because of this He has the power to control me and tell me what I can and cannot do. But this is like a parent saying to their child “Do this because I said so.” Sure, there is a reason behind why the parent is telling the child to do something but the parent is not revealing why the child should do what the parent is asking. In my personal life, I would be more open to someone who backed up their claim with a reason why this is better for me to do than something else. Show me why this is going to hurt me. Caution me from the danger of not doing the right thing. I feel like I am a very real person with God in the fact that I just pray what is on my heart and do not leave anything out. Maybe one day God will be more real with me on this topic and I will have His reason but only time with tell and only God can reveal that to me. I do not believe that God condemns gay relationships so maybe I will never find His reason but this reason could change my whole life.



Place In This World

I was inspired to write this blog post from reading The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins. Currently, I am halfway through the book. As a side note: If anyone would want to recommend books that they have really enjoyed, feel free to post them in the comments or e-mail me at Even if it is a gay-themed novel, feel free to share it. The reason that I love reading is to gain life lessons from the stories and apply them to my own life. I love learning about the human condition – every aspect of it. From the happiness and joy of life to the sadness and despair of life. If my readers would like to see my review of The Hunger Games, I would be more than happy to review it, give my take on it.

One thing that I was hit by while reading The Hunger Games is Collins’ element of the Capitol. The 13 districts waged war previously with the Capitol to essentially overthrow it as their government and to create a new one but they failed. The 13th District was even obliterated to show that the Capitol is in control.  The Capitol is always reminding them in different ways that they will always rule over the people made me connect it with the United States today and Christians today. Currently, the United States is crumbling slowly whether people see it or not. I compared the Capitol to the United States now but more so in it’s heyday. Do other countries look at us like the people of Panem (the world of The Hunger Games) view the Capitol? We have all of this prosperity and luxury yet we are not willing to share it with the hurting people of the world? Katniss, the main character of the novel from whose perspective it is written, talks about never riding in a car or never taking a shower before being selected to be a part of the Hunger Games. Also in the novel, the Capitol created Tracker Jackers (a mutation of a bee that basically tracks a person down and kills them if bothered) to remind it’s people that they will always be under the Capitol. Do we have things in our lives that we look it that just discourage us? Maybe it is even thoughts that we are always coming back to that just discourage us from progressing, from moving forward. It encouraged me to have positive things in my life that give me strength. It could be a quote taped up on your bathroom mirror that can be looked at every morning getting ready but something that would be there to remind us that life is not all bad and to keep pressing on. Are we as Christians today the Capitol towards the world? Do we force our beliefs on everyone and tell them that that is just the way things are? Do we let people suffer of treatable diseases and hunger simply because we are lazy living in our “land of luxury” the United States? Are we just accumulating all this wealth just to say we have it when there are hurting people that could really use it but it is locked away in a huge bank account?

I look at famous Christian preachers and pastors and think why do they need the big houses and all these extra items that are expensive purchases. Hopefully one day, God willing, I can influence people all over the world with the love of Jesus to gay men specifically. Honestly, most of the money will go to the cause and not to my salary. There is a difference between living comfortably and living in luxury. I do not need luxury when there are people in the world stricken with all different difficult situations. I cannot even justify having it. Though, I look up at them and point my finger and I am not in their shoes so I could not say if I would be like them but I honestly strive not to be. There has been great efforts done to help the world but there is still work to be done. There is money just sitting in a luxurious home that would be better spend giving aid to hurting people.

As Christians, I think that it is okay for us to look nice and have nice things. God wants to bless us because we are His children and He loves us but when we have to have the biggest and the best, that is when it gets out of hand. If we are Christians, we have the Holy Spirit living inside of us and God calls our bodies temples. We need to take care of our bodies and one way to do that is to look your best. With looking our best, we should also have a kind and compassionate heart. Let us not be nice and clean on the outside but dirty on the inside.

Hopefully I make sense in this post. Sometimes I can get high and lofty when I make a connection. It makes sense in my mind but it might not be conveyed as clearly as it is for me.

I am reminded too through having started a blog that it is so easy to tell others what they need to be doing and not be doing it myself. I want to set the example and be living out the life that I challenge my readers to pursue. One of the ways I reach out and help is this blog to give hope and encouragement to gay men. I contacted my Pastor to have an evening of discussion with my church about simply sharing my testimony and living as a man who is a Christian and also attracted to other men. He is currently out of town but said he would definitely get back to me. As many of my readers know, dialogue is so important when it comes to the topic of gay people. One of the quotes I would like to start is “Honest communication is the key to healing.” It drives me to do what I do. Please pray that God would work in that area of my life and I would have the opportunity to share with my church my story as a gay Christian man and that they would see how some of  their beliefs are corrupt about gay people. I honestly believe that there are straight Christians out there that just make stuff up about gay people and spread it deceiving people when they are unwilling to even have an open conversation with a gay man. This is disheartening and sad to me.

Today, I had the urge to pray for gay men and gay teens. I just asked God to not let any gay man kill themselves today because they are gay. Though there probably will be gay teens that we still lose, I would encourage my readers to also pray that prayer with me. Also, pray for opportunities to comfort and encourage gay man and gay teens when they just need someone to be there for them.

I hope all of my readers have a blessed and wonderful week ahead!


In Need of a Father

As it is Father’s Day, I am reminded of my father and fathers all over the world. I am also reminded of JC Penny’s advertisement incorporating two gay dads and gay dads all over the world. Father’s Day and my dad’s birthday are always two difficult days for me. When I was ten, my dad physically abused me. This is what started my journey of understanding and accepting myself as a gay man. This one event changed my whole life in many different ways. It lead me to seek, what I thought at the time, to be a father’s love in other men in my life. Only later in life would I come to understand that I was looking for another man to be with. There were three men that I tried to find a father’s love in. I refer to them as my “victims”. Maybe I will expound on them more in a future post. I have forgiven my father for the abuse but it lead to much hurt and pain. It lead me to look elsewhere for love and acceptance. When I did not receive the love I wanted and desperately needed, I would cause self harm upon myself. I would cut myself or starve myself to drowned out the pain of my relationships. My parents found out about my cutting from the scars and sent me to Christian therapy. I was just starting high school. I thought of myself as a nothing, just full of all of these problems. Since it was Christian therapy, they would have never told me that I was gay though it would have helped me to know who I was and start my healing process. Looking back, it just seemed like a no brainer. That was the reason I was having trouble with all of these guy relationships in my life. All of this was caused by being physically abused by my father one time.

It shows how important a father is in the life of their child. We see more and more in our society the lack of fathers in the lives of children. This is hurting our society. It is hurting both boys and girls but in different ways. I do not believe in the Christian psychology that a man is gay because of an overbearing mother and a distant father. Sure, I have both of those but God would have made me gay even if that were not the case in my life. He has a wonderful plan and calling for my life – no matter what my sexual orientation is.  Before any couple thinks about having and raising kids, they need to both be willing to be there for the child and know that they are able to support it. For those who do not have fathers, let us be willing to be there for those that need that. Many gay men have not had fathers that they have wanted or they have not even had any father figure at all in their lives. Everyone needs a positive male role model in their lives. Let us as gay men be open and willing to be there for kids who do not have a dad and our fellow gay brothers who have not had good experiences with their dads. Though we may be in a relationship with another man romantically, we should still be reaching out to other men as brothers and helping them through the struggles of their lives. Let us also evaluate our own lives so that we can be the best role models we can be. Is there anything in our lives that we are doing that we do not want to pass on to the next generation? the next generation of gay men? Whatever it is we should stop doing it ourselves. Children and people in general learn from example. Straight women look for husbands that are like their fathers because that is what has been shown to them no matter if it was a good example or a bad one. Women get into abusive relationships because that is all they know though and it is not all their fault.

Currently, my dad has put up a wall between him and I by believing that I am straight when we have talked multiple times that I am gay. He thinks I am deceived. He believes in the traditional view of the Bible that condemns being gay and acting on it. Since the Bible condemns gay sex, he thinks I can change. He has told me that he sees me as straight even though I have always been different than my two brothers. Since he feels that the Bible is clear on the topic of gay, he is unwilling to look into other views. He chooses ignorance over looking into other ideas because he loves his son. Throughout the Bible, we are taught to live in truth. The truth is that I am gay whether he can accept that or not. His beliefs call me a lair and minimizes all of the pain and hardship I have gone though because I am gay.  No matter how nice he will act, it is all fake because I know what he believes. His love is conditional. My father has also shown his love through buying us things (I am the oldest of five children). Every time we go out to do errands, he usually buys us a beverage. At the end of the day though it is not about what a father gave his son in a material sense, it matters what time he spent with him. Was he there for me? “Sometimes but mostly not” would be my answer. When we look back on our lives, the only thing that will matter is the relationships we had. Though I have come to the conclusion that my dad can not ever fill all of my needs of a father, I have just grown to accept that. My earthly father fails me but my Heavenly Father does not. He loves me unconditionally and is always there for me. No matter what life may throw at me, He is there.

To the gay men in the world who are also fathers, my heart goes out to you. As people try to say gay men and lesbians cannot be fathers and mothers simply because of their sexual orientation, their parenthood is under attack. No matter who raises a child, they are their parents and their mother or father. It is not any different because of a person’s sexual orientation. Though it is a tough road, stand strong. From my life experiences, I do not desire to have kids so when I came to the conclusion I was gay, I had no issue with that. I did not want to have kids and screw up on them as bad as my dad screwed up on me. I wanted better for them but did not feel that I could be that better they needed. My goal has always been to save another man from the hate and hurt that people try to push onto gay people. I want to love my husband wholeheartedly – no regrets. I am not totally canceling out the thought of kids but I would rather be married to my husband and to my work of helping other gay men.

To all of the fathers: Happy Father’s Day! To all of the gay dads: a special Happy Father’s Day! May the next year of parenthood be successful and bring many blessings.

Response to Erik Rhodes’ Death

It has come to my attention, and the gay community’s attention, that Erik Rhodes has died of a heart attack at the age of 30. No official cause of death has been released at this time but he did use drugs and bodybuilding steroids. He was a gay porn star. Many Christians today would not want me talking about a porn star, let alone a gay porn star. I open myself up to attack in order to be real and honest about life. Problems will never be solved unless there is open and honest communication. We live in a world today where many different things happen, whether we believe they are acceptable acts or not. God uses tragic incidents in the lives of people for good. Though we always do not see them at first, there is a reason for bad things in our lives.

I ask myself what can we learn from Erik’s death. We do know a lot from the blog he kept about what was going on in his life before he died. Being in the spotlight from his career, it was hard for him to find the help that he truly needed. Some people were there to help but only in return for sex. No one was really genuine and honestly cared. Let us be genuine and real in our relationships with other people. When we ask someone how they are doing honestly want to know how they are doing, not just say it as empty words because that is what everyone else says. Let us take the time to truly care for one another. To my gay brothers, we need to be better than that. We should never use anyone for the return we can get. If that is our goal and our motive, we should not be a part of that person’s life. As gay men, we are more than just penises and sex. Let’s act like it.

It also reminds me to continuously reach out to hurting people who need our help. One way that I reach out is through this blog. I hope all of you are enjoying it and being encouraged. Always know anyone can e-mail me at if they need to talk about anything that is going on in their life or anything at all. I hear the cry for help from the gay community, the cry of oppression, pain, hurt, and hopelessness. I strive to reach out and help the hurting people. Though starting off with just a blog is a start, hopefully it will grow into an organization and impact many lives in a positive way.

Recently I have been going through some rough times in my life. When we are down about our life or our circumstances, though we may not always want to or feel like it, seek out someone for comfort and encouragement. That is why as a gay man it is so important to have a support system. Life is rough but we can all get through it with each other’s help. Have some good friends that can be there to be open and honest with. Erik was crying out for help but he did not have a support system so eventually he collapsed.

My heart goes out to Erik and his family. He did not need to die. This all could have been avoided. In the end though it happened for a reason. Months for now the gay community will have moved on, remember nothing of Erik Rhodes. I hope that in his death we would be more aware to be on the lookout for hurting people and genuinely help them – no strings attached.

The Closet

The topic of “The Closet” has come up recently in my own personal life and in my friendship/relationship. The  phrase “coming out of the closet”  is defined as a person revealing to others that they themselves are gay (or another sexual orientation than straight). Through my experiences, I have come to realize that “coming out” is a continuous process.  As gay men, there are many closets we have to choose to come out of. I have been out as a gay man for a little over a year now. I have posted that I like men on Facebook, liked pages related to gay men and gay issues, and even wrote statuses on the injustice towards gay men. I have realized though that I have chosen what closets to come out of because of concern from my safety, emotional stability, and lack of conflict. With currently living at home with my parents who do not accept me for being gay nor believe that I am gay, in order to figure out more of myself  I have to go behind their backs. I do not like lying to them but at the same time I need to find clarity and understanding when it comes to my sexuality. This situation makes me hide who I am and what I do so that negative consequences do not arise. At this time I am paying off college debt and looking at another college to finish my degree. I would move out but I do not have the financial stability of doing that.

From my personal experience, I know that there are gay men who want to choose to always be out and proud but for whatever reason they are kept from opening all or certain closets that would reveal “their secret”. To all the gay men who are out and continue to choose to be out, please understand the different situations that your fellow gay brothers are in. It may take time to come all the way out but they are working on it. Of any people, it is us gay men that should understand what they are going through and be compassionate and willing to help any way we can. There is too much hate and negativity in the world when it comes to gay people that gay men should not be downgrading and discouraged by other gay men. Many of the requirements to be accepted into the gay community I do not agree with and only cause more hurt and pain to the people that do not fit them. In the gay community, there is downgrading because some gay men are more feminine than others. The most masculine gay men dominate the gay community. In the message of love and acceptance of gay people to the world, why can’t we live that out as well to our fellow gay brothers and accept them for being more feminine than us or even just as feminine as us. There is also gay men who look down on other gay men because they are bottoms. As gay men, we want to be the most masculine we can and try to fit in with straight men. I have learned from experience that gay men will never be fully accepted by straight men. We are different and that is not a bad thing. Gay men do not choose what they like when it comes to being in the bedroom. It  is just like our sexuality. A gay man’s personal likes and dislikes are given to him. Sure, he could do whatever he wanted but some things just give him more pleasure than others. Gay men who bottom should not be looked down upon because gay men who top see them as less masculine. I think that every gay man should bottom at least once to know if it is for them or not. If they are too macho to do that than they do not deserve to have sex at all.

I had the opportunity to meet my first guy I was interested in and hangout around the town square. His name is Aaron. It was a little bit frustrating being with him and not being able to have the physical contact that other gay men would have as they go on a date. I needed to watch myself so that no one who knew me would see anything and have it get back to my parents that I was meeting another guy. He was really good in not having much physical contact and respecting my boundaries because of my parents. I really wanted to have the physical contact with him but my relationship with my parents and my emotional stability is more important than  risking being gay in public.

There are gay men all over the world struggling with their sexuality and I would like to lift up a prayer for them.

Dear God,

I thank you for all of the blessings and joy You have given us in our lives as gay men. I thank you as well for all the pain and sorrow. Though going through those times was (and is) rough, we would not be the same people if we had not. In the hard times, You show us more about ourselves and more about You. You love us through the hard times and always get us through. I pray for all of the gay men in the world struggling with their sexuality. May You give each and everyone of them strength and encouragement in their time of need. Keep them safe and protect them from harm. I hope and pray that they would come to You with all of their hurt and pain and find rest and peace in You. Open doors and opportunities for them to receive help and people in their personal lives who understand what they are going through. Give them strength to be able to come out as having attractions to other men and strength to continue to come through every closet that they need to go through. No matter what, You are always with them and are always there for them. May they see You and feel You in their time of need. May they know it is You and come to You for renewal and protection. May these gay men find favor with other people who accept them for who they are and be able to build a community of support that is so greatly needed in every gay man’s life. Living life as a gay man is hard but living as a gay Christian man is even harder. Give us the strength to continue to follow You and obey Your commands. 

In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Have a blessed week ahead!


How Is Your Thought Life?

Something that has really impacted my life in a positive way is changing the way I think. I would not have gotten out of the mindset that I was in and start the healing process of accepting who God had made me to be if it was not for changing the way that I thought.

In August of 2011, I started watching Joyce Meyer’s  television program “Enjoying Everyday Life” online. One of the things that she taught about was thinking. I had never heard before that I could choose what I thought. That was so revolutionary to me.  One thing that she said that will stay with me for the rest of my life is starting my day right thought wise. Every morning when she would wake up, she would tell herself “Something good is going to happen to me today.” I have personally tried this and it really does set yourself up to think positively. To make it more personal, I put a song with it as well. “Something’s Coming” from West Side Story.

When we are looking for God and His blessing(s) in our lives by thinking that something good is going to happen to us, we will find them a lot easier than if we only focus on the negative areas in our lives. God loves us and wants to bless us. Even if the something good that happened was something small, it was still something good and we should not downgrade that. It is like the saying “Every cloud has a silver lining.” Though our life may not be going in the direction we would like it to or we are just going through a rough time, there is always good. We just have to be willing and open to look for it. That willingness and openness comes from a positive attitude.

As gay men, we can be very judgmental and critical of ourselves and the world around us. God has shown me that there is a time and place for being critical but when we are critical all the time and judging every little thing, we loose the joy of life. We loose the opportunity to just sit back and enjoy something for what it is.

We see in the news and media all of these negative actions and events happening. Let this not discourage us but see it as an opportunity to reach out and make a difference in the world and in the lives of other people. Feel free to get rid of or limit yourself of people and things that cause negativity in your life. Maybe you only turn on the news sometimes or are open to talking to someone who is really critical every once in a while. I am not saying to be rude to this person, just set your boundaries. Still be willing to impact their life positively with your involvement but do not feel like negativity cannot be avoided.

In my freshman year of college, I really struggled with my sexuality. There were a lot of lies I believed at the time and honestly I was very naive about life and the world. I attended a Christian liberal arts university out of state. While attending there and living in a dorm, I was continually reminded that I was different than the other guys. I was gay. I felt the walls closing in all around me because the university did not approve of me or my sexual orientation. I felt alone. I did not think there would be any other people who could relate with me. I am glad that I was wrong. The end of the first semester I meet a guy who was bisexual in which we talked and worked through issues that I was dealing with. A big lie that had believed was that God condemned me to be gay and I was just going to Hell. I had no say in the matter, that was just how it was. God broke down this mentality in my life through being able to talk with this friend. I want all of the gay men and gay Christian men reading this to know that God loves you so much, even with your attractions to other men. God is a God of love. Do not get caught up in the battle between sexuality and faith. Sure, it is a rough journey but it does not have to be a stumbling block in your life and steal all of your joy.

Earlier in my childhood, my parents thought that I was depressed so they took me to the doctor and prescribed me a prescription. At the time I did not know I was gay and yet I was having all of these problems with other guys in my life.  I honestly did not think I was depressed but my parents made me go through it. I do not believe I was ever depressed. The depression that my parents saw was just a lack of me seeing a way out, seeing something better in the future ,hope that things could get better. I only took the medication for about half of the time I was supposed to and my parents saw improvements but I felt the same. I do not know what the medication did to me but I was not depressed, as in being clinically depressed. Everyone gets down on their lives at times and that is what I was going through. I am not saying that everyone who is diagnosed as clinically depressed is not if they are gay. I would ask yourself though “Do you see a light at the end of the tunnel? Do you have hope for a better future?” Maybe our situations are similar. I do not want anyone to feel like they have no way out. That there is no hope left for them. When hope is lost in someone’s life, things get scary and difficult. If anyone ever needs someone to talk to, know I am here for you. Feel free to e-mail me at

God helped me to see the truth when it came to me and my sexuality. Though it was (and is) a rough journey, He got me through the hard times of my past. One thing I did and continuous do is ask Him for guidance and wisdom when it comes to my sexuality. I do not feel I will ever been done with the journey of my sexuality until I die but God can and will help me through it and use it for good in the end.

Everyday we make a choice when we wake up: Are we going to seek out the positive things in life or are we going to let the negative things way down on us. Let us choose to think positively.