The Closet

The topic of “The Closet” has come up recently in my own personal life and in my friendship/relationship. The  phrase “coming out of the closet”  is defined as a person revealing to others that they themselves are gay (or another sexual orientation than straight). Through my experiences, I have come to realize that “coming out” is a continuous process.  As gay men, there are many closets we have to choose to come out of. I have been out as a gay man for a little over a year now. I have posted that I like men on Facebook, liked pages related to gay men and gay issues, and even wrote statuses on the injustice towards gay men. I have realized though that I have chosen what closets to come out of because of concern from my safety, emotional stability, and lack of conflict. With currently living at home with my parents who do not accept me for being gay nor believe that I am gay, in order to figure out more of myself  I have to go behind their backs. I do not like lying to them but at the same time I need to find clarity and understanding when it comes to my sexuality. This situation makes me hide who I am and what I do so that negative consequences do not arise. At this time I am paying off college debt and looking at another college to finish my degree. I would move out but I do not have the financial stability of doing that.

From my personal experience, I know that there are gay men who want to choose to always be out and proud but for whatever reason they are kept from opening all or certain closets that would reveal “their secret”. To all the gay men who are out and continue to choose to be out, please understand the different situations that your fellow gay brothers are in. It may take time to come all the way out but they are working on it. Of any people, it is us gay men that should understand what they are going through and be compassionate and willing to help any way we can. There is too much hate and negativity in the world when it comes to gay people that gay men should not be downgrading and discouraged by other gay men. Many of the requirements to be accepted into the gay community I do not agree with and only cause more hurt and pain to the people that do not fit them. In the gay community, there is downgrading because some gay men are more feminine than others. The most masculine gay men dominate the gay community. In the message of love and acceptance of gay people to the world, why can’t we live that out as well to our fellow gay brothers and accept them for being more feminine than us or even just as feminine as us. There is also gay men who look down on other gay men because they are bottoms. As gay men, we want to be the most masculine we can and try to fit in with straight men. I have learned from experience that gay men will never be fully accepted by straight men. We are different and that is not a bad thing. Gay men do not choose what they like when it comes to being in the bedroom. It  is just like our sexuality. A gay man’s personal likes and dislikes are given to him. Sure, he could do whatever he wanted but some things just give him more pleasure than others. Gay men who bottom should not be looked down upon because gay men who top see them as less masculine. I think that every gay man should bottom at least once to know if it is for them or not. If they are too macho to do that than they do not deserve to have sex at all.

I had the opportunity to meet my first guy I was interested in and hangout around the town square. His name is Aaron. It was a little bit frustrating being with him and not being able to have the physical contact that other gay men would have as they go on a date. I needed to watch myself so that no one who knew me would see anything and have it get back to my parents that I was meeting another guy. He was really good in not having much physical contact and respecting my boundaries because of my parents. I really wanted to have the physical contact with him but my relationship with my parents and my emotional stability is more important than  risking being gay in public.

There are gay men all over the world struggling with their sexuality and I would like to lift up a prayer for them.

Dear God,

I thank you for all of the blessings and joy You have given us in our lives as gay men. I thank you as well for all the pain and sorrow. Though going through those times was (and is) rough, we would not be the same people if we had not. In the hard times, You show us more about ourselves and more about You. You love us through the hard times and always get us through. I pray for all of the gay men in the world struggling with their sexuality. May You give each and everyone of them strength and encouragement in their time of need. Keep them safe and protect them from harm. I hope and pray that they would come to You with all of their hurt and pain and find rest and peace in You. Open doors and opportunities for them to receive help and people in their personal lives who understand what they are going through. Give them strength to be able to come out as having attractions to other men and strength to continue to come through every closet that they need to go through. No matter what, You are always with them and are always there for them. May they see You and feel You in their time of need. May they know it is You and come to You for renewal and protection. May these gay men find favor with other people who accept them for who they are and be able to build a community of support that is so greatly needed in every gay man’s life. Living life as a gay man is hard but living as a gay Christian man is even harder. Give us the strength to continue to follow You and obey Your commands. 

In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Have a blessed week ahead!



6 responses to “The Closet

  • Alex Diaz

    I like very much the discussion of how we navigate spaces according to our environment and the control we may or may not have over it. My heart goes out to you and to many people who are stuck in boundaries of blind hate in our society. I hope that one day all of these “closets” will disappear and difference will be followed by curiosity for understanding rather than be a marker of demarcation – hate.

    Be well!


  • pjman101

    Wow this is great. I understand your situation, that was me for the past year, and I’m only 17. I hated going behind my parents back lying to them saying I was hanging out with multiple people not just one boy because I didn’t want to be questioned. My blog explains my “coming out of the closet story” in which is still being written as we speak. My life isn’t the same, my parents are like how you described yours, but in the end I am glad with the choice I made, it made me feel like my self. Don’t worry about coming out to your parents, the time will come. They are your parents they will always love you. Now im not saying its going to easy, you are an adult, they cannot sheild you away from the world like mine has tried to. But from my experience I am trying something new and its not caring about what people say about me and that included my parents. My relationship with my mother has altered it is not the same, but strangly my father and I are a lot closer.I’m not out at school but a couple of my friends know. Someday I want to take that step and be out of that closet like you. I am also glad that you are Christian, when I told my mother first she told me that I am a sinner, that she knows where I’ll be headed, she wanted religious councilors to talk to me or to “cleanse me of my sin”. Thank you for still keeping your faith with God. I’m not going to lie, when I knew I was gay I lost touch with God, because in my mind I knew ” where I was going” so to speak. I am glad that there are people like you in this world. So all I’m trying to say is thank you, just stay positive everything will fall into place in time. I look forward to reading more post from you.

    • jmtromm

      Thank you so much for your comment! You make all of the time and energy I have put into this blog worthwhile. To help just one person is enough though I hope that more will be helped and encouraged.
      I have come out to my parents though what they believe hinders them from accepting me (I talk about this more in the post I posted today). My dad even thinks I am straight and I am not gay though I have come out to him as a gay man.
      Do not think you have to lose your faith for your sexuality. God still loves you even if you are gay. I do encourage you to stay strong in your faith because it will continue to help you along your journey through life.

  • Paul Johnson

    Thank you for this beautiful post! I hope that you can find the strength and courage to continue on this amazing and, at times, extremely difficult journey of self discovery. I give you major props for not losing your faith in God despite the rejection so many of us feel in response to our sexuality. It takes guts, but I can tell you it’s definitely worth it. Keep up the great work!

    • jmtromm

      Thank you! Recently I have wanted to completely walk away from my faith but there is something within me that simply cannot. My relationship with God is too much a part of me. There is nothing that God has done against me so why should I walk away. It would be selfish of me and I would only hurt myself more because of it. Our world is just very complicated and only He can give me wisdom to understand it. I continue to seek answers and understanding about the Bible and sexuality. In time, God will reveal what He wants to me. As I was younger, God told me that I was special and going to do something great. Ever since that moment, it has given me hope and made me hold on. I am still trying to figure out what that is. Honestly, I am a very conflicted gay Christian man in my head. Ultimately, I just want to help and make a difference. Living as a gay Christian man is definitely hard and I would not wish it on anyone because of my own and stories of others experiences. But God knew that I could handle it and that He had a purpose in doing it. Once I realized that God did not condemn me to be gay, my whole perspective changed and that is what I needed. I do not see being gay as a bad thing and I hope no one does either because it just makes a person go into a dark place. God has a purpose for all this. Right now. I feel it is to be the hands and feet of Jesus to the gay community. I do not know specifically what God wants me to do but I am willing to go and serve.

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