Yesterday was a full dose of emotions for me. I meet up with one of the friends from my past. He is planning to do mission work in Slovenia for a year and is raising support for that. We caught up on each other’s lives. It has been about three or fours years since the last time we have actually hung out. I was a bit nervous meeting with him for coffee because of our past. He was a guy I latched onto before I knew I was gay. In my mind, at that time, it all made sense. I was just looking for a father’s love from another guy since I was physically abused once by my father when I was 10 years old. Living in a conservative Christian family, I was never taught what gay was. I lived a life of pain and hurt because I did not know who I really was. I knew the attributes of my sexuality but I did not have a word for it and that hurt. I was different but I could never put my finger on why I was different. It was not until my junior year of high school that I realized I was gay. Before my friend went off to college, we ended our friendship because I was so conflicted and hurt that I really needed someone but I was just pushing everyone away with my actions. So to meet up with him again after that was interesting for me. Our meeting went well. It was weird to interact with him now that I had accepted my sexuality as before when I did not even know I was gay. Everything flooded back to me about why I looked up to him and wanted to be more like him.
As I was working, the realization that he might be gay came to mind. I always doubt my guy friend’s sexuality. I do this way too much. As far as I could remember he had never had a girlfriend. He had a strong bond with another guy that we both attended church with in our pasts but that was about it. Just a lot of different emotions happening with me. My friend is really masculine and that is why I think I am over thinking everything. I do it all too often anyway so I am just going to accept that I am wrong again. During our meeting, I had the urge to kiss him (twice) but I did not act on it as it just would not be appropriate. I also realized that I could hardly make eye contact with my friend during our meeting. I was mostly looking at his mouth when he talked. That is probably why I had the urges I did. The reason why I think I could not make eye contact with him was because I was wrestling with where our friendship was with me being aware of my sexuality. I did feel an urge to ask him about what he thought about gay people but I did not. As of right now, he is my Facebook friend and I have posts that would lead people to believe I am gay but I have not come out to him face and face. Not making eye contact was me not letting my friend in. I did not want him to see what I was really struggling with. I was afraid. We are going to meet again before he goes on his missions trip so I am going to come out to him then and see what his response is.
As I was thinking about this, God just put a song into my head. “So Small” – Carrie Underwood. I had heard it on the radio numerous times and one time it just really spoke it me. It spoke it me again as God brought it back to memory. It was reminding me not to stress out and be over emotional, to take on more stress than I needed to, and to put into perspective what I was doing. I needed to drop my friend’s sexuality and move on because it was causing me too much stress.
This was the song I needed as I am struggling with my sexuality. I am more emotional too about the whole thing because I am just so lonely. It is one thing to have friends, it is another to have people who understand you as a person – sexuality and all. Truly, I want to move on from the struggle of my sexuality but something always pulls me back in. There is wisdom in the lines that say “When you figure out love is all that matters after all, it sure makes everything sense seem so small.” I was in a nine day relationship with a guy two months ago and that was the happiest I have every been in my life but he broke up with me because he did not know what he needed to do with his sexuality. Now he lives across the country and is in another relationship. I have decided to not go behind my parent’s backs with another relationship as they both do not accept me being with another guy nor accept that I am even gay. This is a huge weight on me when I feel like, though it was be work, a boyfriend is what I need right now.
I think I have always viewed my sexuality as a mountain I have had to climb when really it was just a grain of sand. I have just made it harder than it actually is.
I write this post to encourage my readers to take a step back and put into perspective the issues that we are stressing over. How big are they really in the overall picture?