I had an eye opening experience yesterday. Recently, a guy at work (who works first shift) has been working with my group of people that I work with on second shift for an hour before he leaves (He comes in an hour later than regular first shift and leaves an hour later). Two days ago we were talking about a facial skin condition – I do not remember the name of it. One of the people we work with has it and she is taking an antibiotic for it. He commented that his boyfriend had had it in the past. I had assumed this guy was gay from the first time I had seen him but what caught me off guard was how strong he was in himself and his sexuality. What also surprised me was no one that I work with made any comment negatively towards him. Yesterday, they talked again and he shared his dream of being a songwriter. He got together with his boyfriend because his boyfriend sings so they could work together and be together. If everything works out for him, he will be moving in a month and will not be at my job anymore.
One of my goals at work is to always reach out to other gay men that I know and to let them know that I am there if they ever need anything. I have not come out to this guy yet but he could probably guess that I am gay too. His strength in himself made me realize that I need to get through my own struggle before I can help others. One thing that Joyce Meyer has said that really resonated with me was “You cannot give what you do not have.” I need to have personal experiences that prove that “It Gets Better” before I can tell other people and help them through their struggle. I feel like I have put the cart before the horse. Healing for me is needed so that I can better help others in the future. It is also hard to follow a leader when they are wishy-washy. I need to find my strength though I know I am a born leader.
In the end of my middle school – early high school years, my parents made me go to a Christian psychologist because they had found me cutting. I have only done it twice in my lifetime and will never again. It is just another thing that I can use to relate to other people’s lives. I was hurting so much that it came down to that. It was such a release at the time but it just was not healthy. The psychologist had his own share of problems, as my dad told me. That is why we stopped seeing him. I think he was so willing and wanting to help other people that he repressed his own problems. I could see myself falling down this same trap and I really do want to help other people but I need to make sure I am real about my problems and work them out in my life.
It has helped me that I read God vs. Gay?: A Religious Case for Equality by Jay Michaelson. He has brought more things to the table that I had not thought about before and things that I had thought about before. For the first time, I have more peace about who I am than I ever have before. Now I ask the question: How do I continue on the road to complete healing, the road to living confidently as a gay man? (If anyone has any advice to share, feel free to say something in the comments.) I think one inevitable thing in that process is moving out of my parent’s home. In time that will happen.
Maybe I am being too hard on myself but I definitely think there is truth to this. It has been rough recently and will be for a while. I am more emotional as they have everyone working 12 days straight without a day off. When it is all said and done, it will probably be a lot more but no one knows when our next day off will be. I wanted to cry yesterday at work. I want to cry right now as I am writing this. Though it is rough now with many different things going on, I will endure and get through this.
One thing that I need to invest in is praying for my future husband on a daily basis and praying for the people struggling with their sexuality on a daily basis. I think it will help me to have more hope and to know that doors of hope are opening for others because of the prayers that I have prayed.
Thank you to everyone for your positive and encouraging comments on my last post. I really appreciate it.