~ Before starting this post, I have thought about posting this all day. The person who this is written to could stumble upon it and read it. I take that risk as my blog has always been real, honest, and I just need to tell someone else about the gay part of my life. I will not say who my crush is but to the people reading this, if you feel that I wrote about you and you are simply not interested in me, let me know. Tell me and let me down gently. I do not want to waste both of our times on something that just will not happen. Thanks! ~
I meet him through blogging and when I saw pictures of him, he was just a cute guy but as I looked more and read more of his blog, I began to grow feelings for him. We have not really talked much at all but I really enjoyed reading his blog posts and getting to know him through those. I wish I could get to know him through him and not through glimpses of him through what he has left on the internet. A relationship is very premature at this point. Friends would be stretching it though I would do anything for him as a friend.
From the beginning, I have given me and my crush into God’s hands. I pray about it and ask for His plan to do be done. I have contacted my crush but he does not get back to me quickly as he’s a busy guy. I completely understand that though it is frustrating trying to get to know him better. If he is not the one God wants me to be with then I should not be with him. God knows best. I do believe that God made us meet for a reason, though I have not found the reason for us yet. It will come along when it is ready to.
Previously, I have commented that I am a hopeless romantic. I have crafted two scenes in my mind of us together. He is an adventure seeker and likes to travel. I picture the two of us at the top of a snow covered mountain. We can see the valley down below with trees and a winding river bed. In the background are other mountains all covered with snow. I am reminded of how great and good God is and how wonderful a person I have in my life. We embrace; me holding him and him holding me. I look deeply in his beautiful blue eyes and for the first time in my life I feel 100% supported and loved. We kiss and our love runs through our bodies. I have not had the opportunity to travel much in my life so far but if I had a man who trusted and believed in me, I could do about anything. I would love to see God’s creation with the man of my dreams.
The other scene is our wedding. I know that is a little fast but it is only a dream, a thought. I picture us singing “For Good” from the musical Wicked. He would be Glinda and I would be Elphaba. I would take his hand on the lyrics “So much of me is made of what I learned from you, you’ll be with me like a handprint on my heart.” Though this is a goodbye song, it is our goodbye to friends and hello to oneness in marriage. Never before have I ever though about marrying another man. I never found it possible. The original song in the musical is sung by two women but here is a version with two men singing to give my readers an idea of what it would be like. I teared up as I thought about us singing it together.
No matter if I say this with my current crush or not, I feel like I should sing this song at my wedding with my husband-to-be.
(I turn my audience to my crush specifically):
I want you to know that I do not care how feminine you act. That does not matter to me. You are a handsome man and what matters to me is your heart and your personality.
I know we are in different stages of life but once I move out soon, I will be in the same one. Please take a chance on me. May you see my heart. Though I may have many things that I need to improve in, I will do those for you and with your help. I am not perfect and I do not expect you to be either. A relationship is not paradise but I am willing to work to have the best relationship we could ever have. I do want to love you like you are perfect in every way.
Please wish me the best as things progress. It’s in God’s hands and it is best there. If anything significant happens, I might post about it. This post may be already too risky enough.