In My Mind vs. In My Life

Something that I have noticed within myself is my sexuality is too much in my head and not enough in my experiences and heartfelt emotion. I am trapped in my thoughts of being with another man, whether they are based in reality or not. One of my dreams has always been to wake up and look at my husband sleeping next to me in bed and feel undeserving of him even being with me and in turn felling so glad that he is right there next to me; now and forever. I think that is a healthy way of looking at a relationship. When a person in a relationship loses how special they see the other person, they are willing to move on whether in breaking up or in cheating. I never want to lose the specialness and uniqueness that I see in my husband. I never want to think that I will ever have him “figured out” and that I give him room to surprise me with the many facets of who he is.

In May, I did have a 9-day relationship with a guy. Overall, I enjoyed it though it was more of a learning experience than anything else. We meet online and it so happened that we only lived an hour away from each other. He, also being a gay Christian, was wrestling with sexuality as well, not knowing what to do with it. It was both of our first real relationships. We would Skype each other and call each other. There was one time that I was on Skype with him in my sister’s room. (I do not really have a room in my parent’s house where I live. It is just a bed in the family room. The family computer is also in there so there is some privacy but not as much as if I were to have my own room. When I moved away to college, my two brothers moved everything that was mine out of our room and put it in the garage so they could do what they wanted in the room. I did not know any of this happened until I came home from college a couple weeks into the semester.)  He was talking about how he had seen one of his male friends naked and that it was not a big deal. My sister had walked in at that moment to get her iPod and over heard that. I had to downplay it to my parents and really it was not a big deal. One of the reason why I will not be in a relationship with another man and live in my parent’s house is the stress of them finding out, covering up all of the tracks. The other is just that I want to respect their wishes though their beliefs are not my beliefs.

We broke up because of his wrestling with his sexuality. He did not want the acceptance of his family to go away and him to be looked down upon because he was with another man. It was hard because he had not told me he had had doubts about us but waited to say that for when we broke up. (This was the first time someone has ever broken up with me.) Being the person I am, I am just very honest and real with people, and we promised to be real with one another. We promised to always be friends. I helped him in talking with his parents about his sexuality and his parents were accepting of him being with another man and even bringing him to meet them. I was happy for him as I do not really have much hope that my parents will ever accept me but I accept that fact and move on in life while still keeping conversation about my sexuality open and in their minds. After we broke up, we both still had feelings for each other and I asked him to come visit me. It was hard as I was always looking for people I knew who would see me. I had to lie to my parents to even meet him. He was really sweet though about it and  made me feel loved. We were in the town square. There is a gazebo and some grass, trees, and benches. We sat down on a bench to talk and we were still deciding if we were going to get back together. He felt God was leading him to move to California so our relationship would be long distance. Could our relationship hold up? In talking, I put out my hand to him so we could hold hands. At that point, I did not care who saw or anything. I was tired of pretending. When we held hands, I just embraced the experience. It was awkward as I had never held another man’s hand and my hand was sweating after we held hands for a while. It was a couple of minutes. While we were holding hands, I got hard for him instantly. He told me later that he did as well. There was chemistry there. That was something I have never experienced. Our relationship had never been sexual and my goal had always been to live my life with another man, sex was just an added bonus for me. I knew in holding hands, I wanted to continue to pursue a man to share my life with. We never kissed and I am glad because I would have regretted it now.

He got out his bracelet while we were on the bench together. We even bought bracelets to give each other as a constant reminder of our relationship if we were to get back together. I had even written him a love letter that I was going to give him but it did not seem right to give it to him with the circumstances we were in. (I still have that letter too but cannot get myself to throw it away.) Since he would be moving to California, he decided that we not get back together. I realize that that was the best and felt similar though I still did want to be with him. I still have my bracelet in the packaging. Maybe as a reminder of what we were and what we had but I do not know what to do with it so I just hold onto it. At the end of our time together, we hugged and that is always something that I will enjoy. I do not get many good hugs so when I do, I cherish them. I honestly did not want him to have to leave but I wanted to get back home so my parents would not be suspicious.

One thing I learned from this relationships was that we had a lot of similarities, so much so that our differences became very magnified. After all of this happened, I was wrestling with my faith and was fed up with people who called themselves Christians yet did not walk to walk. His responses to me showed me that I would be compromising myself if I was ever with him again and from that point I let him go. Having been abused as a child, what he said to me did not sit well with me.

We’re still friend now though and we talk occasionally if I contact him but I do not give him the label “my ex-boyfriend”. I was in a relationship with him for nine days, too short to truly get to know each other. He is not deserving of that label and I do not look at him negatively as that word mostly has a negative connotation connected to it. He moved to California and is now in a relationship with another man. He is happy and I am glad. For the longest time, I felt used by him and used I was. I see the good I have done in his life by him knowing me and that makes me glad. He probably would not have talked to his parents and they would have still not accepted him if I had not told him to think about doing it. He has an accepting family and a wonderful boyfriend and it is just me back to being me again. I was drained from that relationship but it was a good learning experience of me, the highs and the lows. Hopefully one day I will get the happy ending.

Sometimes I wonder if I choose men that are just out of my league. I feel this way about my crush. I really like him but does he like me back? He seems too good for me, too good to be true almost. There needs to be more done in me figuring out what type of men find me attractive; what type of men I can catch. I doubt in my mind if my crush and I would do well together in a relationship and doubt settles in saying that I do not even have a chance. That may be true but it may not be true. I will not compromise myself for the man I am with. I will marry a man who I am honestly attracted to both physically and emotionally. At the same time, as gay men we attract people that are similar to us physically speaking. I see similarities in me and my crush in how we look and how we dress. More times than not that is the case.

Ultimately, I just need to get out my head and start living.

God Bless,

Josh

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2 responses to “In My Mind vs. In My Life

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