For so long when things got hard or situations became too difficult, I would just give up. My life has never been a cake walk but neither is anyone else’s. My life has always involved God but it has not been until recently that I am learning to trust Him completely.
One message that Joyce Meyer has taught was on Moses. He lives with the Egyptians because Pharaoh’s daughter takes him in after Pharaoh decrees all of the Israelite baby boys be killed. When Moses kills an Egyptian for the mistreatment of his people and someone comforts him about it, he runs away from Egypt and lives there for 40 years. The point that she makes is we may not want to go through the trials and heartache that God wants us to go through but no matter what we will go through them no matter how long we wait. It took Moses 40 years to accept God’s call on his life: to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. Personally, I would not want to waste 40 years of my life running away from God. It is simply choosing to be miserable over having the fulfilled life that God wants me to have. In middle school and high school, I did not have a strong enough faith and relationship with God to go through the trials and hardship that God wants me to endure but now I choose to go through because in going through means to overcome. I cannot have a victory if I do not go through the hard times. When Moses did accept the call on his life, he still made excuses to God and lacked faith that God would give him the strength to do what He was asking of Moses. When God calls us to do something, he gives us the necessary resources to do it. We may feel like we do not have the skills to do it but God makes up for our shortcomings. We also learn that it is not always the qualified people that God uses, it is the ones that are willing and able to do the work of God. Though I do not feel qualified to start an organization that reaches out to gay people and gay men specifically but God has given me certain gifts that will help me succeed in His plan for my life. The need for helping my fellow gay brothers is also so great that it is impossible for me to just ignore it.
This time in my life right now is a time of pressing and pain. God is putting me into the fire to clean away the impurities and make me further into who He wants me to be. There are many pressing things that are in focus in my life: moving out my parents house, the organization that God wants me to start, my current health situation, a potential relationship. All of these collide in my life. God is testing me to see how well I will do with all of these things and He wants me to trust Him. My personality has always been that I wanted to know everything that is going on and have everything figured out but that is not always the best for me. God wants us to just trust Him and He will work out all of the details but we just need to be willing to take actions when He tells us to. I always felt like I needed to have my life together, like I needed to know what I was going to do with my future and have everything so organized. As a Christian, it is okay to say that we do not know what is next for us in our lives but we do not need to worry about it because God has it covered. He cares for us and protects us. God truly wants what is best for us. His ways are greater than our ways. Sometimes we think we want one thing when it simply is not what we need in our lives at that period in time or at all. God knows what we need more than we do.
Recently, I have gotten sad from coming home from work and finding that I had not received a response for the guy that I am interested in. At this point, I do not care about the relationship, I just want to get to know him better. In praying about and for him last night, I broke down crying and had a really honest moment with God. I have given this relationship into God’s hands and He will do what He wants with it. God has not told me whether or not I will ever be in a relationship with him but I just trust that God knows best and maybe he is the right person for me but maybe he is not. It is very hard for me to do this but many times before I have acted on what I have wanted to do in a (potential) relationship only to have it end badly. No matter what, God put this man into my life for a reason. It may take me a while to figure it out but that time will comes when it comes. Maybe it is for a relationship or maybe it is to help me with my organization. I can only guess. Only time will tell. I will continue to pray that God’s will be done in this area of my life. I have a strong connection to his man and even tear up as I type this part of the message. Maybe I am too emotional too quick. I even picked a song that is my love song to him. Hopefully this all ends well but if I have to give up on this crush, to free the beautiful bird from its cage, I will do it for I want the best for him. If it is not with me, may it be with someone else that is better for him than me. There will always be people better than me. Will I be heartbroken? Will I not like it? Yes but there is a higher purpose. Everything is not about me. I would rather be temporarily sad than for him to be sad for most of his life simply because I wanted what I wanted. I know I should not be sad about not hearing back from him. It is not what God would want for me. I need to continue to better myself and maybe in that God will let him come around.
No matter how hard it is to trust God ultimately it is in our best interest to do so. It may be hard as it is for me currently but at the end of this time in my life, I will be glad that I endured as I will have overcome these trails and obstacles in my life.
God is working in my life as I am a gay Christian just as He would a straight man or woman. God loves gay people no matter what other Christians may say. There is hope for the future. God is working in lives like mine to reach out and be the hands and feet to the gay community. Never think you are less than because you are gay. That is not true. You are uniquely made by God with a purpose and call just like straight people. All we can do is continue to love wholeheartedly. Love our boyfriends and husbands wholeheartedly like Jesus would.