In living out my daily life this week, I realized I was a hypocrite. I struggle with finding another man and being single. In my head I know that I need to be single. There are many things that God is showing me that I need to change and grow within myself, so much so that at times it can feel overwhelming. My heart yearns for the companionship of another man; to love someone and be loved in return. There are many times when I feel like a dying monkey starving for love. I had heard somewhere that if a baby monkey is separated from it’s mother after it is born, it will die in five days because of a lack of touch and interaction. There is not an outlet for physical touch in my life right now. I do have a good friend online that I can talk with and hopefully a gay friend at work.
It is in my best interest to stay single right now though my need to feel loved is great. I never want others to see me as a hypocrite when it comes to this topic. It is a struggle within me that comes out at times. The only way I will ever get that need is to move out. That whole process scares me. I know I need to make a plan and it needs to happen but I do not feel like I have what it takes. Sure, my parents tried their best to raise me but they raised me by controlling me and not allowing me to fail on my own. They did not parent with the end goal in mind of being a successful individual on my own. Now the stakes are higher and failing has a higher cost to pay.
Right now I would like to get rid of all of the college debt I have. It is frustrating as I am currently training to be a lead for one of the machines where I work. I honestly do not know if I want the position. The company is greatly falling apart and there is corruption all through it. I do not want to be hired in only to leave soon after that. I honestly don’t know if it is worth a couple cents more an hour and possibly a couple hundred dollars in bonuses if the company stays on budget. The only reason I am there is to raise money to live my life: pay off college loans, fund my business, money for a car and a place to live. I do not see myself there in five years. I have goals and dreams; a heart full of passion. Slaving away and stressing out to make candles is nothing compared to helping the gay community that desperately cries out for help.
I know that when I get through this stage of my life, I will be grateful for what I did and the courage that I mustered up to do it. It is worth it. I just need to be strong though I know not of all that will happen in the future. Hard times builds character and character is what will be built in me.
(Photo courtesy of Welcome to the New Age via Tumblr)