Being Real In The World I Live In

I just need a place to be honest about what I am feeling right now. Everyday I hurt because I cannot love who I was made to love. I am forced to deny myself by my parents and daily they reinforce the pain they are inflicting. They are oblivious to the pain they cause me because they are unwilling to accept that I indeed am gay. I do not fit into their worldview so they try to fit me into a box that I just do not fit or deny all of it. I will never deny that I have attractions to other men. God calls me to live a life of truth. Do you want me to lie my whole life and sin that way or commit the sin of homosexuality? This is why I distance myself from my parents. When religion and Christianity hinders a person from seeing another’s hurt and pain and to logically reason, it has gone too far. I honestly do not care if my parents accept my choices in life but I want them to accept me as a gay man. From them to see that, yes, I do have attractions to other men. All of this pain and hurt is real. So much so that I have a heart condition that doctors cannot tell me why it is happening. I give it to the stress of work and my sexuality struggle through life. Do my parents not see that they are killing me literally because of what they do? Do you want to have me as your son or not? I would not be surprised one day I just had a heart attack at work and past out on the floor. I am dying inside as I try to live my life. I long for love from another man. I am starving for it. Just a hug from another gay man.

I cannot go on to live a life in which Christians make gay people into aliens. I am still appalled that my dad would compare my relationship with my dog to his relationship with his wife. They are two completely different things. The Church wants us to not be human. Sexuality is a part of humanity as is loving another person. According to the Church we are forced to be aliens, sub human to the rest of the world, living alone and just going through life never experiencing love in a relationship or loving someone so much that a person would give their whole body to them. I will not be treated less than by anyone. This was not the way it was intended nor the way it should be. Some churches even ban gay people because they are gay. Gay people are sick and we do not want any part of it. I did not choose my sexuality so why are you trying to hurt me because of it?

I wish people would be able to see me, all of me, for who I am. Yes, I am a Christian. Many Christians will say Jesus is the answer. I have found Him and have a personal relationship with Him. What I struggle with is the oppression of a group of people because they are different. That I am seen as less than because of who I was created to be. God loves and sees everyone equally. Why do not Christians and people today? Stop fearing gay people. We do not want to hurt anyone. We just want to be treated like everyone else.

I just want to be able to be happy and be able to have that right. To be treated like everyone else. To be able to have a relationship that I am able to enjoy, to love and be loved in return. Being gay is not all about the sex. Being gay is about loving someone with all your heart and no matter what or how people may treat you for who you are you love them unconditionally.

I hope that people would see me as the gay man that I am. I am open and honest about my life because I want people to take their blinders off and see that maybe they do not know everything there is about sexuality. Sexuality is a complex topic and no one has it all figured out. I do not know everything but do not be a person that thinks they know everything and then pushes their views on everyone else. It is not doing one bit of good. It is only causing great tension.

See me for who I am.

-Josh

Advertisements

One response to “Being Real In The World I Live In

  • Rich Paschall

    Josh, I think that if there is any way for you to get away for a few days, you should do it. A little mini-vacation may help relieve the stress. A friend or relative you could spend a little time with might do a world of good. In any case, it would be good to be out and be with others. Do not let the situation take your health. This may be a lousy way to put it (I hope not), but it might just be a purgatory before heaven. I went through some stressful times and prayed for a long time before there was a response. I can not today say why that was. I am Christian, I go to church, the pastor knows my personal story and I feel comfortable there on Sunday. I am sure you will find a good place. Keep the faith.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: