First Online Relationship

My heart was tugging to write a post on Kaleb, the first guy I ever had a relationship with online. It was the summer of 2010 and we had found each other through a group on Facebook for gay guys/gay teens. I had a Facebook profile specifically to talk with and find other gay men on top of my personal Facebook profile. I have since then deleted it as it did not really help my life at all. We started a relationship. I only started a relationship with him because I was lonely and I wanted to experience what it was like to be with another guy. As part of us being together, we chose “our song”. At that point in time, “Teenage Dream” by Katy Perry had just come out and he suggested that. I had never heard it before he mentioned it. We decided to make it our song. I find it a little bit odd that Kurt and Blaine’s song is Teenage Dream as well. It was really Darren Criss’ acoustic version of Teenage Dream on Glee that made the memories of Kaleb come back to mind.

We were not really anything. We were each other’s company – we talked on Facebook and on the phone. Being a 17 year old gay man on the cusp of going to college, I was pretty naive and stupid. He had told me that him being born was a mistake for his parents, that he was a mistake. As we were talking one day on the phone, I heard his dad verbally abuse him and I did not know what to do. I do not know what Kaleb said after it happened or if I said anything. It makes me tear up now just thinking about it. The worst part of it was I broke up with him because he had a high voice. That was the only reason. I was naive and stupid and I wish I could take it all back. I wish I could take back the hurt he felt from our breakup. Being an advocate for gay men now in my life, it hurts me that I did this. I know why I did it. I wanted to be with another man and did not want him to have female qualities. Over the years, I have learned and grown in this area. I did not know many gay men back then. I love gay men for who they are. I cannot control where my voice sits. Sure, a person can change the pitch of their voice but then they are just acting – try to be someone else that they are not. I am sorry for breaking up with someone over something so pointless and dumb.

So Teenage Dream has a deeper meaning for me than most. It reminds me of my foolishness in my youth when it came to relationships.  I did find his Facebook page again and I am still debating on if I should send him a message and apologize. It has been two years since we have talked. If I could give advice to the young gay teens of today, I would say to not get into a relationship with someone so fast just to break up with them over something trivial because you did not know them in the first place. Get to know another guy before you decide to be in a relationship together. I know it is difficult as you do not want to be alone and there are people who do not agree with your sexual orientation but that is when reaching out to other gay men and organizations at school is what you need. Make friends that are gay and go from there. Spend time with them. You may not need a boyfriend at this moment but no matter what you need support.

This video is dedicated to Kaleb. Kaleb, I am sorry that it turned out the way it did. I did not mean it to be that way. You were hurting more than I ever was and I hurt you more.

-Josh

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One response to “First Online Relationship

  • jessielansdel

    I should try getting in touch again. What can you lose? If he ignores you at least you have the satisfaction of knowing you reached out to him. But he may respond and that’s good. We’ve all done things which we are ashamed of and been less than kind; but if we have the opportunity to at least try to make amends then we should.

    Good luck and as always, best wishes to you. ☺

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