Why?

Brendon and I have been texting each other and hanging out. He briefly talked to me in the lunch room one day when he was on break and I was there a little bit early. Friday I texted him and asked if we could chat. Since it is Friday night, he might be out doing something. I was just trying to be considerate. He told me he was free so we talked. When the conversation slowed down, he told me he was “feeling like being bad right now” and asked me if I could send him a picture. At first I thought it was just so that he could have a picture of me but the tone shifted. His next text was “Yep of u know what”. I had to ask him what was really happening here because I was just shocked. Was he really asking for a picture of my penis?  I never want a guy to ask that but he was the first to do so. I confirmed that that was what he was talking about. “Do u want to be bad with me and u send me a pic and i send u one” I responded with “That’s what I thought. i like you brendon but i am waiting until marriage to have sex. i don’t want to send you a picture of me. i’m surprised honestly that you would ask . i don’t know what to think anymore.” At this point my emotions are going all over the place. Did I see something in him that just was not there? In a conversation with coworkers at work he said that he almost got a girl pregnant. That turned me off to him but we have been hanging out and I think we both really like each other. At least that is the way it looks to me. His next text is “Good i do not want one, i just wanted to see what you would say. thank you, u ok” This further took me by surprise. So he put me through this emotional roller coaster. Why? If it were me, I would not cause a guy I like or was with going through something like that. I still do not really know why he did it. He texted me “Sorry some time i do not think, i just like to ask an out of the blue question and see what they say. sorry.” We talked more and at the end of it I had to just ask him if we could talk about this another time because I was tired from working and I was overacting more than I would if I was more levelheaded. He agreed and we said good night to each other. He then texts me “Hey sorry one more thing, i have been used alot that is why i ask questions like that sometimes. sorry now i feel like i was out of line. i hope we can still be friends. i hope that you can forgive me. have a good night.” I read that text and went to bed.

The next morning I responded with “I care about you alot. last night made me feel many different emotions. i always want to be there for you. you made me think you were just another guy bopping through life not caring about who he sleeps with. you made me think that i was wrong about you. that you were like every other guy. i know right now you’re trying to do the right thing in life. you scared me by what you said and did. i want you to know that i will NEVER use you. i feel for you deeply and i’m crying as i write this text. i forgive you. i would like to talk about why i freaked out with you in person so you understand. we’re good now. ((hug))” He responded with “Thanks and sorry again.”

We have not talked face to face about this yet. We might be able to hang out for a little bit today after he gets off work. This is the first time he has to work and I have off today. I still have not fully processed and gotten over this conversation. Writing this post will hopefully help me process this more and hopefully get some feedback and advice on what I should do in the future.

I can understand he has been used in a past. He is damaged and has been hurt. To a degree, we all are. I do want to be there for him, no matter if we have a relationship or not, and just be there for him as he is a guy who is bisexual, who struggles with his sexuality like I do, who is another gay brother that I need to love and give hope to.

One question that I have is he told me he has a girlfriend and that he enjoyed her company. They pray together and he feels loved. Why would he do all this if he has a girlfriend? I do not want him cheating with me on his girlfriend. It is hard because I cannot have a relationship because of my parents but for the girl’s sake, do not be in a relationship with her when you really want to be with me but are only settling for her.

I think it will take us a while to get through this speed bump. It really makes me question everything that we have gone through together.

The reason though why I got so emotional was before I had that conversation with Brendon a lady at work was talking about how one of her sister’s friends, who was gay, had sex with a cow. The conversation then went to how gay guys put guinea pigs and fire extinguishers up their butts. I was appalled to say the least that she would even bring this up. Sex and sexual purity is a big deal for me, especially because I am a gay man. No wonder gay guys get all these diseases. They do all these kinky things with other guys. I do not mean to be graphic but one guy cannot take two guys having anal sex with him. I feel for all the gay guys who do this. I do not judge them but my heart is moved for them. It is a person’s responsibility to take care of their own sexual health and the health of their boyfriend/partner/husband. We need to use our brains as gay men and not do things that would hurt us and/or one another.

I hope that one day I have a wonderful husband and we have a wonderful sex life but we need to keep each other’s health and safety as our top priority before we engage in different behaviors and actions.

I do not know why all of this is happening in my life right now but hopefully this post helps someone else as I try to make sense of it.

Have a great week ahead!

-Josh

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2 responses to “Why?

  • Rich Paschall

    I will start with the last thing first. I think that the gay population is no more likely to do really perverse things than the general population. What the woman is describing seems impossible anyway. People get strange notions. As for your friend, he may have suggested something he thought you both would like and when he discovered he made a mistake was back-tracking and giving a different story (perhaps not, just guessing of course). Sometimes stupid things come out of our mouths. As for sex before marriage, I do think that is much more common place in the gay community. Most states do not allow marriage so once you have a relationship, it may seem OK. Another is that society in general seems to have moved toward the idea that it is OK either as a one night stand or a way of testing out a relationship. I think I know a number of people like that. I can not make any judgment on it, however.

  • gayproject

    I think that episodes like the one you described, even though they evoke many doubts, cannot destroy the relationship with a guy. You can be silly and still be a good guy, you can also think of sex in those terms and still be a good guy. Often, many things that may seem absurd or at least out of place in reality are incongruous manifestations of profound needs that need to be understood for what they are, beyond the words. Even his attempt to apologize, even if the excuse does not hold, however, expresses his desire to maintain a dialogue. In fact, this guy exposed himself in the first person and so risky. He did it because he has a trivial vision of sex? Frankly, in the light of the evolution of the facts, I do not think so.

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