Monthly Archives: November 2012

Experience and Discussion

Quote

I had the opportunity of talking with a coworker about gay people and the Bible. He happened to be working in my area as his machine was getting maintenance done on it and we got into talking. He was about the same age as I am. He talked about girls and if I had a girlfriend and I ignored it at first. He is the second youngest of nine kids and also a Christian.

The whole discussion started with him asking if I read the Bible. In going into the discussion, I felt very heard. He told me that he did not want to offend me and I told him I would not take it that way. He could not wrap his mind around the fact that I was not attracted to women. Though I do not have attractions for women, I can understand and respect men who do. He came out and told me that he had had premarital sex with his girlfriend. I was a sinner for being gay and he had sinned by having sex with his girlfriend before marriage. I think he was trying to build a bridge and say we were the same and I would agree with that. Everyone has sinned and falls short. During the conversation, he asked me if I knew what the Bible said. I told him I did and he repeated the question. I repeated my response. He brought up 1 Corinthians as condemning homosexuality. He did not remember what it said but remembered that, in his opinion, it condemns homosexuality (as we know it today). The discussion definitely sparked him to look deeper into the topic and that is why I fought so hard within me to bring it up. I needed to be real about myself and to share my experiences with a fellow Christian. He told me he would look into what 1 Corinthians said about homosexuality.

The thing that hit me the hardest was the point that he told me not to tell anyone what he believed and that he could not get fired because he needed the job. I am saddened by this. In being in the middle of the gay community and the Christians, I do not promote harming people for their beliefs. It is wrong that the gay community is punishing people for having a different opinion. Everyone has a right to their own opinion and there should be no negative consequence no matter what they believe. It just proves the point that we need to continue dialogue with Christians and being honest and open about our lives with them. The Gay Debate is a issue in the 21st Century. To punish people for their beliefs is to respond with hate back. As a gay man, I extend love to all people. Though I do not agree with this man that I was talking to, I can respect him and his life experiences. I do not have to be angry and hostile. As Joyce Meyer said, “Hurting people hurt people.” There is so much truth to this quote. As the gay community, we are hurt by others who disagree with us and try to keep us down – hinder us from being equal. It should not be our goal though to fight back in anger but to overcome with love. Using power to keep people down will only last for so long until the people are liberated. Love does not keep anyone down and freely liberates.

I am glad I had the courage to come out to this man that I had never talked to before and to have a conversation about sexuality and God at work. He also told me that his brother was gay. I hope that maybe my discussion with him could bring liberation to that relationship and the family’s relationship with his brother. As always it is not my job to change people’s hearts and minds. My job is just to be open and honest about my life and the rest will fall into place.

-Josh

(Photo Courtesy of Welcome to the New Age via Tumblr)


Star Crossed Lovers

Brendon and I had a wonderful time spending the day together on Saturday. We put up his Christmas tree. I had never seen a white tree with blue lights before but it turned out to be a very nice tree. He made us grilled cheese for lunch.

I brought over Prometheus for us to watch together. He brought us a blanket and we cuddled together. I had wanted to see that movie ever since I saw the trailer for it. When it came out in theaters, my local movie theater only played it once at noon everyday so I could never go. Overall, I enjoyed the movie though it is not one I would watch over and over. It would be nice if there was a sequel as the movie ended with some loose ends left undone. The whole concept of another life form creating humans was interesting.

The pieces are starting to fall into place. Rascal, Brendon’s dog, started to cuddle with me on my lap. He is a Jack Russell Terrier. After we grabbed Burger King for dinner, we cuddled on the couch again and just talked. Brendon right beside me and Rascal laying on my lap. It just felt like family.

Earlier in the week, Brendon had asked me what year I was born. He was researching into the Chinese horoscope. He is a dragon and I am a monkey. We are compatible according to that. Also, I looked at the zodiac signs to see what they said. He is a Pisces and I am a Cancer. We are compatible that way as well since we are both water animals. I do not believe that the stars have any powers of their own but were created by God. It does make sense that depending on what month we are born, we experience different things first because it is that time of the year. It was very interesting to read our compatibility when it to zodiac signs. Some of the things mentioned where right on when it comes to who we are as people while others were not.  I do not believe in the zodiac signs but I am open to reading about them and understanding how they came about. It was just comforting to know that we are considered a compatible match, Brendon and I. Ultimately, it matters what God thinks and what God wants for our lives but I am encouraged that some people would agree that we are meant to be.

Saturday made me fall for him even more. We rub noises and he calls it a koala kiss. We kiss each other but not on the lips. I want to save that for when we are boyfriends officially. Technically, we are friends seeking to be boyfriends when it is right for both of us. Brendon is a good man and I am glad I found him, that he is a part of my life. We all have our flaws but I could potentially see myself living with him for the rest of my life. I love being there for him through all that he is going through. We have had our ups and downs but I am looking ahead and hoping the best in the future.

-Josh

(Photo Courtesy of Welcome to the New Age via Tumblr)


Roommates & Moving

Brendon and I were able to hang out for a while after I got off work on Monday. Ever since he has brought up wanting to move closer to his jobs, I have wondered if it would be a good idea for us to be roommates. He was going to move to a place right by my parent’s house with his sister but his sister was denied because they could not get in contact with her references. Brendon did not really want to live with his sister any way. His lease is up at the end of the year for the place that he is living at now. He is thinking of signing a three month lease so we could figure out if we would want to move in together once three months is up. Brendon is not letting his roommate (Ryan) sign the lease because Brendon has had problems with him not paying his part of the rent and has stolen things of Brendon’s before though he is never really there at the apartment. Personally, I do not want Brendon to be living alone because that means him working more. He already works a ton and has a large amount of debt so I do not want more stress on him to do that. Where he currently lives, it is a half hour drive to work and to see me. Saving on gas alone would be a big help.

I was talking about it to one of my coworkers yesterday and ultimately she told me to go for it. Sometimes we just have to take risks in our lives. I would definitely have boundaries if we live together. We would not be having sex and we would have an understanding of using the bathroom and showering. I think it could honestly be something that we both could be happy with.

In talking with him, I brought up again in a different way that I am not always attracted to him when I see him and how torn up I get about that. I do not have control over who I am attracted to. I just do not want to hurt him because I know he loves me more than I love him. He comforted me and said to not stress; just take it one day at a time. Every time we hang out I see us as good friend but then he looks at me with love in his eyes and I melt with love back. The last two times we have hung out, we have held hands. I was the one who first started it because I just wanted to do that. It feels good to have someone there for you. I just hope none of this goes wrong. If I had my way, I wish I was more attracted to him so there was not that potential that I would break his heart. Us has always been complicated. We are in between friends and being in a relationship. There should be a word, a label, for that. We introduce each other as friends though there is something deeper under the surface.

I am still waiting to hear back from my mom on where my parents stand on me having a boyfriend/getting married. When they find out that I might be moving in with Brendon, I do not think they will like the idea but at the same time they do not know me, the son that they have raised. They do not know the morality that I have alongside my sexuality. I am not the typical gay guy. I know that statistically people do not stay together that live together. Having boundaries will help us not fall into the trap that happens to other relationships. They have everything that they would have in married life yet they are not married so they see no reason to be married. It is just another complicated situation that has no word, no label, for it.

I am still thinking about all of this and hopefully I will pick the best decision for me.

-Josh

(Photo Courtesy of Welcome to the New Age via Tumblr)


Opening the Door

On Wednesday, Brendon texted me while I was on break at work:

“I think about you a lot. What do I need to do for your door to be open?”

Honestly, I was surprised but I let him know that Sarah got in the way of us and also my parent’s views on my sexuality. My mom is still in the process of responding to me when it comes to me having a boyfriend or marrying another man. He then responded with:

“Okay. I’m going to talk to her today. It is not going to work out.”

I texted him when I got off of work and we talked on the phone. He ended his relationship with her. All Sarah wanted to do was change him and Brendon did not want to feel like a puppet anymore. He disliked that she showed no emotion in their break up and even knew that it was coming. She told him that she is not going to the Bible Study they both attended because she does not like it. That made her look like a hypocrite in his eyes. She was still willing to go out and celebrate Brendon getting hired in at the place where we both work. Brendon does not even want to do that. He is done being manipulated.

He did not tell her about us but maybe she suspected it. She deserves the truth but Brendon said there was already enough reason to break up with her that he did not need that “final blow”. He really tried to be nice about everything. In the beginning, he had feelings for her but the more she controlled him the more they grew apart. It is Brendon’s call if he wanted to tell her or not. I have always been and always will be a person of honesty and integrity but it is not my place to say anything and make this even worse for Brendon. The break up is the best for all of us.

No matter what Brendon would do, Sarah would always want something more. The break up was the escape from a emotional prison. Being a Christian, she wanted to do what was best for him in her eyes but she refused to learn and understand his life and situation. I think she refused to believe he was bisexual. He has a hard life. He is in debt over his head and trying to pay that all off, his family is very dramatic, he works four different jobs, and his brother is dying of AIDS. He does not need another person to come into his life and cause more drama. I want to wipe away all the pain and hurt he feels. The difference between Sarah and I is I will work with Brendon instead of against him. I think Sarah meant well and was on the right track in trying to help him but the way she went about things was not what Brendon needed.

I do not look down on Sarah for who she is or what she did to Brendon in this short period of time. She is a person just like everyone else who was trying to do her best but it just was not enough. What Brendon told me about her will not fog my view of her. He just has different experiences with her than I do. I will not deny what she did to Brendon but she is not a completely bad person. What saddens me the most is I felt that I fought for Sarah more than he even did. He probably would have cheated on Sarah with me if I had not put my foot down and said that was not going to happen. I was not going to let him cheat for her sake and I was not going to be the person he cheated with. He has enough drama in his life, he does not need even more. Sure, this was a messy situation but I think it was handled the best way it could have been handled.

Brendon and I are continuing to keep in contact and hopefully a relationship will be coming up in our future. I still have doubts and insecurities about us  and I keep those in mind but I am going to give Brendon a fair chance. Deep down I believe that Brendon is a good man that has not always chosen the right choices in life and right now he is paying for those choices. Hopefully I can be there to help him navigate through life easier and share something special between the two of us. Hopefully he will not be lonely for much longer.

-Josh

(Photo Courtesy of Welcome to the New Age via Tumblr)


Surprise!

Since Brendon and I usual hang out only once a week, he offered to take me home after work on Monday. He goes to a Bible Study near work so it would not be a problem for him. On Sunday, he was wrestling with his Sarah vs. me situation. I was planning on talking to him about her and seeing what I could do to help.

When work ended, I looked all over the parking lot. He was not there so I texted him. I got a response back that he would be there in eight minutes. It was a bit chilly out. I had my coat in my hand but I did not put it on. I did not want to wait inside for him. By this time, everyone else had left so I just stood there in the middle of the parking lot waiting for him.

He arrives right when he said he would.   I realize when he pulls in that he has someone with him. He parked the car and both Brendon and this other person get out of the car. Brendon introduces me and this other person. It turns out to be Sarah, the girl he is in a relationship with. Brendon had parked right next to her car so she would not have to walk. They exchanged words and a hug all the while I was shocked and did not know what to do. This was the Sarah he had been talking about all this time. I did not really see what she looked like because she always had her back turned to me. I began to judge her as a person. I was jealous of their hug and how cute he was acting towards her. She gets in her car and Brendon  invites me into his and when we get in he starts asking me what I thought. I still do not know at that point. I had a completely different picture in my mind of what would happen than what actually happened. Brendon did not warn me about any of this.

We did not have the best drive to my house. It is only a minute or two from work. I was still shocked. When we had hung out and made dinner on Saturday, he had told me to not be discouraged when it came to us but then I was hurt by what he was doing with Sarah. I felt cheated on.

I texted him and asked if I could call him when he got home. He lives a half hour from my house so it gave me time to think things through. We talked and I told him how I felt. I brought up the point that I wondered if he would be faithful to me after what I have seen him do with Sarah. He told me not to worry about it. His love for me is different than it was for Sarah.

He told me that Sarah and Sarah’s mom had called him conceited and all about himself. He did not know why and called Sarah selfish as well. They just were not working out. I forgave him for all of that and we ended our phone call.

-Josh


Complicated Relationship

As we planned, yesterday Brendon and I spent most of the day together. In going to the store to get what we needed to make dinner, we bumped into Brendon’s older sister Mya. It was nice to meet her. Brendon may be moving and she would be his roommate. He is actually moving closer to me because the majority of his jobs that he currently has are closer to me than where he currently lives. It is all up in the air right now. He may move, he may not.

Our time did not start out as well as it could. He was 15 minutes early to pick me up. I had just gotten out of the shower and had not even put a shirt on yet. When I realized he was was there, I started rushing. My mom asked me if I wanted to invite him in. That was the last thing I wanted to do. I did not have time to shave like I wanted to so we talked about that in the car on the way to his place. We also talked a lot about Sarah. It just became very depressing for me. I had waited all week for a time that we could just hang out and have fun but it was just so serious and sad.

He opened up to me and told me that the reason he started a relationship with Sarah again was because when we had coffee he got the impression that I just wanted to be friends. It took him a while but then he also said that he has been wanting to kiss me ever since he saw me. I would not cuddle with him or let him kiss me because of his relationship with Sarah. He started the relationship with Sarah because he does not want to be lonely. He loves me but Sarah is in the way. He even said that if it did not work the first time, why would it work the second. At this point, Sarah does not know about me at all. Brendon asked Sarah what she thought about bisexuals and she said she would love them but did not agree with their ways. She then dropped the subject saying that there was a reason why Brendon was bringing it up but that they would talk about it later. Sarah has never brought it up again. She is a very strict Christian and has been forcing Brendon to change who he is to fit her personal views of what a Christian looks like. Brendon does not want to change for anyone else.

Brendon and Sarah had planned to go for a walk at the park today. I think he is going to tell her about us and break up with her. He told me that he hates disappointing people but it is also hindering him from what he wants and from being happy. I texted him and told him I would be praying for him.

I honestly do not know if he is right for me. He has a past that I have to deal with: drugs, sex, and alcohol abuse. I see him making progress to change and be a better person. It does get on my nerves that he always asks me what I am thinking or how I am doing but I know it is only because he cares. He can be a little crass at times too.

Since I have decided to respect my parents while under their roof, I will not have a relationship with any guy. I think things could change with my parents. My mom has told me that she has been working on an answer to an e-mail I sent her about going forward with my sexuality. It has taken her time to look up different verses. This comment made me loose hope but she knows that I do like Brendon as a friend and as more than a friend. She has not hindered me from seeing him.

I ask myself if I should try a relationship with Brendon. I know right now he loves me more than I love him. At the same time I do not want love to blind me and be unrealistic about a relationship with him. Is it wrong of me to start a relationship when, from the beginning, I see that it could all fall apart?

It does not help that Brendon’s brother is dying of AIDS. He told me already that he will not ever be the same when his brother passes and will not be at work when it happens because he will not be able to handle it. I honestly do not know if I will be a strong enough partner for him in this situation. I know it has the potential to grow our relationship and make it stronger. I know though I would not know what to do. It is even more sad that his brother was given the virus on purpose by another man. It is not fair that Ethan has AIDS. I know that God has made our paths cross for a reason and I can see that Brendon will need me by his side. Is it good for me to be his friend or better to be his boyfriend?

I am definitely going to pray about this situation as it is the toughest situation I have dealt with. I see that there are gay men in their 40’s and 50’s that have not found a husband though they want one badly. Should I take the risk and try it out? Will I get another chance at love?

One thing I am wrestling with is sex between two men. Is this morally okay for me to participate in? I see the gay community having sex with whoever they want; one or many partners at a time. Can one man contract HIV from monogamous gay sex? I would rather give up sex so that both of us could grow old together than to enjoy that pleasure in life and one of us potentially die of AIDS. As a couple, I care about my sexual health and his sexual health.

I am just tied in a knot of emotions right now. There are many factors going into the decision if I could say yes or no to a relationship with Brendon. I stand at the crossroads. Which way do I take?

-Josh

(Photo Courtesy of Welcome to the New Age via Tumblr)


Personal Struggles

There are many things that are pulling and tugging at me from within. I was reading a book and there was a story about a guy who felt God called him to be gay so he was in a relationship for six years. The relationship eventually fizzled out and God told him that that was the end of him being gay/not to be in any more relationships. Sort of as a way to just try it out. I am afraid God may do this to me. I would not want to break the guy’s heart. Brendon and I are going strong right now and I would hate to hurt him in any way. Ultimately, it is best for me to trust God but I get stuck in the unknown. I pursued Brendon and other guys because I wanted a relationship, I just wanted to be happy. Being with another man makes me happy. There is too much pain and turmoil that gay men go through and even more that gay Christians go through. I know what God wants for me is best but I am at a hard time in my life trying to figure it out as life goes on.

I wrestle with knowing that the way I act out my sexuality, the way God will show me how to act out my sexuality, will probably be in between denying myself of anything associated with being gay and fully accepting my sexuality and the gay culture around me. Logically, everything makes sense but emotionally I become a mess. I wrestle with if having sex with another man is morally right. Living with another man and devoting my life to him is acceptable in my mind. Loving another person is never wrong. I wonder if the sexual tension will be great living with him. It does not make any sense to me to limit showing love to another person. Sex shows the commitment between two people and God. Two people come together as one in sex and the commitment makes them one as well. This logic proves that having sex is not wrong. Is having anal sex what was intended for the body? Can the body hold up to anal sex? Is it only opening myself up more to disease and sickness? It is safe to have anal sex and the only reason I hold back is because I see statistics of gay men who have sex with multiple people and multiple men at one time? I am probably not a bottom in the least. I always had the idea that in sex, as in anything else, you have to be selfless so I would bottom for my husband if that is what he wanted me to do. An act of love and sacrifice. Even if I did not enjoy it, I would do it for him. I feel that in a relationship, each guy should be able to be versatile for the other though I know that is not always how things work out.

I wrestle with the fact of how I look to the gay community beginning a company that helps gay men. The gay community can be very judgmental and opinionated. I struggle with the fact of God calling me to reach out the the gay men that are hurting and in need but at the same time not being able to be like them. That my company and influence would be a struggle for me to stay away from. No matter what, I would love Brendon to be in my life and to be there for me as I start this company and continue to move forward. Anyone needs people who care and support them when times get hard and rough. I do not want the gay community criticizing me for not being like them.

To make things even more complicated, my mom asked me if Brendon and I were friends or more than friends and I told her both, being honest. What we are is complicated but it is life. She told me to “be careful.” I do not know what that means for her. I do. Her asking me that question caused tension. What are my parents going to do now? Are they not going to allow me to see Brendon? They have never supported my sexuality so I am nervous about everything. I have always said that I wanted to be close to my parents and my sexuality not be an issue but they need to earn my trust back that they are not going to hurt me or a guy that I am interested in. I would not let Brendon meets my parents before I knew where they stood. I see safety in distance. Part of me just wants to spend the holidays with my man and not see my family.

Brendon and I are doing well. We hung out at his apartment last weekend and will do it again this weekend. I am bringing over a movie to watch. We are going to make dinner together. I also made him a CD with some love songs and inspirational songs to get him through the day. When I look in his eyes, I just see the love he has for me. I do not deserve him and I do not know why he loves me so much. I am not that special. I am good at some things but I am mostly a mess. I am working on it though. When I saw him this week at work, my emotions just lit up. I am starting to fall for him. I could never have imagined that this would all happen the way it did but I am thankful to God that it did. Hopefully Brendon and I can one day have a relationship together  and continue to share our love for one another.

-Josh

(Photo Courtesy of Welcome to the New Age via Tumblr)