Complicated Relationship

As we planned, yesterday Brendon and I spent most of the day together. In going to the store to get what we needed to make dinner, we bumped into Brendon’s older sister Mya. It was nice to meet her. Brendon may be moving and she would be his roommate. He is actually moving closer to me because the majority of his jobs that he currently has are closer to me than where he currently lives. It is all up in the air right now. He may move, he may not.

Our time did not start out as well as it could. He was 15 minutes early to pick me up. I had just gotten out of the shower and had not even put a shirt on yet. When I realized he was was there, I started rushing. My mom asked me if I wanted to invite him in. That was the last thing I wanted to do. I did not have time to shave like I wanted to so we talked about that in the car on the way to his place. We also talked a lot about Sarah. It just became very depressing for me. I had waited all week for a time that we could just hang out and have fun but it was just so serious and sad.

He opened up to me and told me that the reason he started a relationship with Sarah again was because when we had coffee he got the impression that I just wanted to be friends. It took him a while but then he also said that he has been wanting to kiss me ever since he saw me. I would not cuddle with him or let him kiss me because of his relationship with Sarah. He started the relationship with Sarah because he does not want to be lonely. He loves me but Sarah is in the way. He even said that if it did not work the first time, why would it work the second. At this point, Sarah does not know about me at all. Brendon asked Sarah what she thought about bisexuals and she said she would love them but did not agree with their ways. She then dropped the subject saying that there was a reason why Brendon was bringing it up but that they would talk about it later. Sarah has never brought it up again. She is a very strict Christian and has been forcing Brendon to change who he is to fit her personal views of what a Christian looks like. Brendon does not want to change for anyone else.

Brendon and Sarah had planned to go for a walk at the park today. I think he is going to tell her about us and break up with her. He told me that he hates disappointing people but it is also hindering him from what he wants and from being happy. I texted him and told him I would be praying for him.

I honestly do not know if he is right for me. He has a past that I have to deal with: drugs, sex, and alcohol abuse. I see him making progress to change and be a better person. It does get on my nerves that he always asks me what I am thinking or how I am doing but I know it is only because he cares. He can be a little crass at times too.

Since I have decided to respect my parents while under their roof, I will not have a relationship with any guy. I think things could change with my parents. My mom has told me that she has been working on an answer to an e-mail I sent her about going forward with my sexuality. It has taken her time to look up different verses. This comment made me loose hope but she knows that I do like Brendon as a friend and as more than a friend. She has not hindered me from seeing him.

I ask myself if I should try a relationship with Brendon. I know right now he loves me more than I love him. At the same time I do not want love to blind me and be unrealistic about a relationship with him. Is it wrong of me to start a relationship when, from the beginning, I see that it could all fall apart?

It does not help that Brendon’s brother is dying of AIDS. He told me already that he will not ever be the same when his brother passes and will not be at work when it happens because he will not be able to handle it. I honestly do not know if I will be a strong enough partner for him in this situation. I know it has the potential to grow our relationship and make it stronger. I know though I would not know what to do. It is even more sad that his brother was given the virus on purpose by another man. It is not fair that Ethan has AIDS. I know that God has made our paths cross for a reason and I can see that Brendon will need me by his side. Is it good for me to be his friend or better to be his boyfriend?

I am definitely going to pray about this situation as it is the toughest situation I have dealt with. I see that there are gay men in their 40’s and 50’s that have not found a husband though they want one badly. Should I take the risk and try it out? Will I get another chance at love?

One thing I am wrestling with is sex between two men. Is this morally okay for me to participate in? I see the gay community having sex with whoever they want; one or many partners at a time. Can one man contract HIV from monogamous gay sex? I would rather give up sex so that both of us could grow old together than to enjoy that pleasure in life and one of us potentially die of AIDS. As a couple, I care about my sexual health and his sexual health.

I am just tied in a knot of emotions right now. There are many factors going into the decision if I could say yes or no to a relationship with Brendon. I stand at the crossroads. Which way do I take?


(Photo Courtesy of Welcome to the New Age via Tumblr)


4 responses to “Complicated Relationship

  • jessielansdel

    All you can really do at the moment is be friends and be there for each other. If it is meant to be then I always say you will find a way around the obstacles. Get to know each other really well and in time you will know if Brendon is the one for you.
    As for sex; well it is the ultimate expression of love between two people and IMO is God given and natural whether its M/M, M/F or F/F. But, again you will know when it’s the right time.

    I hope things go well for you and him. My best to you as always. Take care.

  • gayproject

    Hello Josh,
    the situation is very complicated but there are two criteria to keep in mind. The first is the absolute priority of the protection of health and the second is that being paired with a guy is one thing and being friends is a completely different thing. It certainly has a moral value to help a friend and try to be close to him in the most difficult moments, but this has nothing to do with creating a life together with that friend. Overlap problems to problems does not seem at all a good choice. Among other things, this guy seems mostly to look for something from you than to look for you as a person. He notices that your standards of behavior do not coincide with his own, but far from seeking a point of convergence is looking for an alternative to not be alone, and it is an alternative that fits poorly with the idea of creating a stable gay couple. Frankly, I think you should proceed very cautiously and would not go beyond the limits of a friendship, the reasons are many and very solid: first of all the health must not be put at risk in order to respond to the pressures of a guy who goes to look for a girl because you’re not acting like he expects. It almost seems that you can adapt yourself to be his boyfriend just to help him, to help him in difficult times, but that does not make sense, these are things that belong to completely different plans. You cannot be his boyfriend just to help him if you’re not in love.

    • jmtromm

      Thank you so much for your advice. I think this is honestly what I needed to hear. There are glimpses of when I love him but I do not love him like he loves me. I have thought that I am being used in the fact that he just does not want to be lonely and where does what do I want come into play? I definitely think just friends is best.

      In talking with him last night, he does not want to be alone and in that process he is causing himself drama and others pain because of what he is doing. In talking with him, I understand how hard this is for him but I need to do what is best for the three of us than just what is best for him or best for me. I feel that I should let him know that I am bowing out of the competition and that we are just friends. Thanks again for your perspective.

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