As we planned, yesterday Brendon and I spent most of the day together. In going to the store to get what we needed to make dinner, we bumped into Brendon’s older sister Mya. It was nice to meet her. Brendon may be moving and she would be his roommate. He is actually moving closer to me because the majority of his jobs that he currently has are closer to me than where he currently lives. It is all up in the air right now. He may move, he may not.
Our time did not start out as well as it could. He was 15 minutes early to pick me up. I had just gotten out of the shower and had not even put a shirt on yet. When I realized he was was there, I started rushing. My mom asked me if I wanted to invite him in. That was the last thing I wanted to do. I did not have time to shave like I wanted to so we talked about that in the car on the way to his place. We also talked a lot about Sarah. It just became very depressing for me. I had waited all week for a time that we could just hang out and have fun but it was just so serious and sad.
He opened up to me and told me that the reason he started a relationship with Sarah again was because when we had coffee he got the impression that I just wanted to be friends. It took him a while but then he also said that he has been wanting to kiss me ever since he saw me. I would not cuddle with him or let him kiss me because of his relationship with Sarah. He started the relationship with Sarah because he does not want to be lonely. He loves me but Sarah is in the way. He even said that if it did not work the first time, why would it work the second. At this point, Sarah does not know about me at all. Brendon asked Sarah what she thought about bisexuals and she said she would love them but did not agree with their ways. She then dropped the subject saying that there was a reason why Brendon was bringing it up but that they would talk about it later. Sarah has never brought it up again. She is a very strict Christian and has been forcing Brendon to change who he is to fit her personal views of what a Christian looks like. Brendon does not want to change for anyone else.
Brendon and Sarah had planned to go for a walk at the park today. I think he is going to tell her about us and break up with her. He told me that he hates disappointing people but it is also hindering him from what he wants and from being happy. I texted him and told him I would be praying for him.
I honestly do not know if he is right for me. He has a past that I have to deal with: drugs, sex, and alcohol abuse. I see him making progress to change and be a better person. It does get on my nerves that he always asks me what I am thinking or how I am doing but I know it is only because he cares. He can be a little crass at times too.
Since I have decided to respect my parents while under their roof, I will not have a relationship with any guy. I think things could change with my parents. My mom has told me that she has been working on an answer to an e-mail I sent her about going forward with my sexuality. It has taken her time to look up different verses. This comment made me loose hope but she knows that I do like Brendon as a friend and as more than a friend. She has not hindered me from seeing him.
I ask myself if I should try a relationship with Brendon. I know right now he loves me more than I love him. At the same time I do not want love to blind me and be unrealistic about a relationship with him. Is it wrong of me to start a relationship when, from the beginning, I see that it could all fall apart?
It does not help that Brendon’s brother is dying of AIDS. He told me already that he will not ever be the same when his brother passes and will not be at work when it happens because he will not be able to handle it. I honestly do not know if I will be a strong enough partner for him in this situation. I know it has the potential to grow our relationship and make it stronger. I know though I would not know what to do. It is even more sad that his brother was given the virus on purpose by another man. It is not fair that Ethan has AIDS. I know that God has made our paths cross for a reason and I can see that Brendon will need me by his side. Is it good for me to be his friend or better to be his boyfriend?
I am definitely going to pray about this situation as it is the toughest situation I have dealt with. I see that there are gay men in their 40’s and 50’s that have not found a husband though they want one badly. Should I take the risk and try it out? Will I get another chance at love?
One thing I am wrestling with is sex between two men. Is this morally okay for me to participate in? I see the gay community having sex with whoever they want; one or many partners at a time. Can one man contract HIV from monogamous gay sex? I would rather give up sex so that both of us could grow old together than to enjoy that pleasure in life and one of us potentially die of AIDS. As a couple, I care about my sexual health and his sexual health.
I am just tied in a knot of emotions right now. There are many factors going into the decision if I could say yes or no to a relationship with Brendon. I stand at the crossroads. Which way do I take?
(Photo Courtesy of Welcome to the New Age via Tumblr)