Brendon and I were able to hang out for a while after I got off work on Monday. Ever since he has brought up wanting to move closer to his jobs, I have wondered if it would be a good idea for us to be roommates. He was going to move to a place right by my parent’s house with his sister but his sister was denied because they could not get in contact with her references. Brendon did not really want to live with his sister any way. His lease is up at the end of the year for the place that he is living at now. He is thinking of signing a three month lease so we could figure out if we would want to move in together once three months is up. Brendon is not letting his roommate (Ryan) sign the lease because Brendon has had problems with him not paying his part of the rent and has stolen things of Brendon’s before though he is never really there at the apartment. Personally, I do not want Brendon to be living alone because that means him working more. He already works a ton and has a large amount of debt so I do not want more stress on him to do that. Where he currently lives, it is a half hour drive to work and to see me. Saving on gas alone would be a big help.
I was talking about it to one of my coworkers yesterday and ultimately she told me to go for it. Sometimes we just have to take risks in our lives. I would definitely have boundaries if we live together. We would not be having sex and we would have an understanding of using the bathroom and showering. I think it could honestly be something that we both could be happy with.
In talking with him, I brought up again in a different way that I am not always attracted to him when I see him and how torn up I get about that. I do not have control over who I am attracted to. I just do not want to hurt him because I know he loves me more than I love him. He comforted me and said to not stress; just take it one day at a time. Every time we hang out I see us as good friend but then he looks at me with love in his eyes and I melt with love back. The last two times we have hung out, we have held hands. I was the one who first started it because I just wanted to do that. It feels good to have someone there for you. I just hope none of this goes wrong. If I had my way, I wish I was more attracted to him so there was not that potential that I would break his heart. Us has always been complicated. We are in between friends and being in a relationship. There should be a word, a label, for that. We introduce each other as friends though there is something deeper under the surface.
I am still waiting to hear back from my mom on where my parents stand on me having a boyfriend/getting married. When they find out that I might be moving in with Brendon, I do not think they will like the idea but at the same time they do not know me, the son that they have raised. They do not know the morality that I have alongside my sexuality. I am not the typical gay guy. I know that statistically people do not stay together that live together. Having boundaries will help us not fall into the trap that happens to other relationships. They have everything that they would have in married life yet they are not married so they see no reason to be married. It is just another complicated situation that has no word, no label, for it.
I am still thinking about all of this and hopefully I will pick the best decision for me.
(Photo Courtesy of Welcome to the New Age via Tumblr)