Yesterday Brendon and I hung out at his place. I was tired so we decided to take a nap. We were planning on having Brendon’s brother, Ethan, and his boyfriend Keith over for dinner and a movie later in the evening. We laid down together but I was more in the mood to talk than sleep. We talked and laying down made me more relaxed. Our faces pressed against one another. His dog, Rascal, was even laying down with us. He just always wants to be with us. Brendon brought up again that it was hard to not kiss me and we talked about it more. I was curious to know what kissing was like and to kiss another man. My curiosity got the best of me. I kissed him on the lips first. My lip virginity is now gone. To be honest, kissing is not all that I expected. It is romantic but it is also messy, sharing each other’s spit. I am disappointed in myself for going against a boundary I had placed in front of myself. I cannot do that again. At least it is not something that I would regret. I do not regret kissing Brendon because I love him and our love is only growing for each other. Having the uncertainty of when we would be officially together, I can understand why I did why I did but I cannot compromise again. I also cannot let Brendon compromise me and my boundaries. We are becoming comfortable with cuddling and touching each other; maybe too much. It would honestly be my biggest regret losing my sexual virginity before marriage. I will not do that and will not compromise on that.
Brendon and I tried to make my mom’s recipe for Swedish Meatballs but failed at making the sauce. It was an easy fix to modify it to spaghetti and meatballs as our dinner with Ethan and Keith. We all watched The Odd Life of Timothy Green and had ice cream floats for dessert. It was an off night for both of us. Brendon was disappointed that our sauce did not work out but we improvised well and everything was okay. We should not be afraid of failure. We tried something new and it did not work so we just will not do it that way again.
When Ethan and Keith left, Brendon and I watched Life After People. It is a show about human made structures and things and how they exist after people are done using them. I found it to be very interesting. We then cuddled and kissed some more. When it was time to go, he kissed me with tongue. I touched his tongue with mine. He told me that he did not enjoy kissing but loved kissing my lips.
It was an interesting day, good and bad. I realized that I would rather be touched and held than kissed. I did not feel that great because I was tired and maybe that is why some things went the way they did. We will see what happens in the future. I am curious and hesitant. My mind and body is crowded with emotions, too many to count. I do not understand all of them or why I feel them but I know they are there and I acknowledge their presence. I love Brendon but maybe kissing all the time just is not for me.
(Photo Courtesy of Welcome to the New Age via Tumblr)