I had a good time again with Brendon. It was a little awkward at first to hang out with both Brendon and Erin, his ex-finance, but we made it work and all had a good time. We watched movies and played games.
I had feelings of doubt throughout the night. We cuddled as we watched a movie and it was nice but I did not feel like I needed it or enjoyed it. When Erin went to work we watched Glee and cuddled. Again I felt the same thing. I have always told myself from when I first accepted who I was that I just wanted to happy. I do not feel that God would want me to be in pain and hurt my whole life over the issue of my sexuality. Every time I say that things go okay for a while and then I hit a wall. Last night, I hit a wall again. I love Brendon and I want to love him. If it is best for us to be together for the rest of our lives, I want to be able to share that with him. I let him know I am having these doubts. Never will I repeat what Aaron did to me in just breaking up with me when he had doubts about us but did not tell me and made me feel that it was my fault that we were breaking up. I just want to rip my heart out so I do not have any feelings. It is either really good feelings or really bad ones.
If we ever are to move forward in our relationship, I need to trust him more. I cannot come out and say my deepest darkest secrets with him. I have to force myself to say them. I still get nervous wondering what he is going to think about what I tell him. Confrontation is another area I need to work on in our relationship. There could be things that I could say to help him be a better man but I do not say them. I do not want to feel like I am changing him into what I want him to be.
I just wanted to use this post to be real and honest about what is going on. Life and love is not always a cake walk. It hurts me so much that I have the feelings I do and it makes me cry. I think it is hard for me that we are not official. That is killing me. Maybe I should go to my parents again. It is also different now that Brendon has Erin living with him. It is obvious that Erin gets on Brendon’s nerves but he is trying his best to help her out. Erin likes me and approves of us being together. I just want her to like me no matter what I am to Brendon. Be the best person I can be. Soon it will not be a problem as Brendon is moving so we will not have a third wheel all the time. Having her there though is a good thing as well because we are not so focused on the physical and we just do things together and have fun. We are going to see each other again on Christmas Eve so hopefully that goes well.
(Photo Courtesy of Pablo Needs Amused via Tumblr)