The Breaking Down of Walls

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In looking back on my time with Brendon on Saturday, it was difficult to go through but it has made us both stronger. It made us grow closer in a way that we never would have had without the difficulty.

Erin’s boyfriend Jason happened to spend the night prior so when we got there they were both in the shower together. There has been tension between Erin and Brendon about numerous things, one of them being asking him if Jason could come over. She simply invited him without seeing if it would be fine. I had the chance of meeting Jason before they both left to go get lunch. He is definitely not what I expected when it would come to Erin’s baby’s dad. He seems like a nice guy and I hope everything works out with the two of them getting a place and having the baby together. In the last time I was over there, Erin let us know that we were the godparents of this baby. She does not really have anyone else to care for it if something happened to her and Jason. I appreciate that but Brendon and I are in agreement that we do not need to have kids to be a happy family. Honestly, I would not want to be stuck with Erin’s kid because she does not care about if she gets pregnant or not. If God places that baby in our hands, we will do the best we can to take care of it but I would rather not have to see that day. No matter what it is going to be tough for Erin and Jason to raise this baby but they need to take responsibility for their actions.

Brendon got me a blanket incorporating my favorite colors and with his cologne sprayed all over it along with a heart shaped box of miniature Resse’s Cups. I drew him a picture with the lyrics to our song in a heart with our initials and anniversary date. I like our romantic side of the relationship. In hard financial times, it is more than enough to just have him but I appreciate the work he put in to get me that gift.

I smiled as well when I saw that he had set his wallpaper on his computer to the picture I used for my “Official” post. He thinks it is so us. I agree. That lead us to say that we needed some pictures of the two of us. I do not know when that will happen.

We watched a couple of episodes of Dog Eat Dog. I had never seen the show before but I enjoyed it. Basically it is a show where people are playing against each other trying to win money by doing different timed physical challenges . We also played some Uno. In the process of this, Erin brings up her Sweet Tea story. Brendon and Erin went to McDonalds. Erin ordered a Sweet Tea. There was too much ice in the cup so the cup punctured and the tea came out of the cup. Eventually Sweet Tea was all over her and all over Brendon’s car. I called Brendon an “idiot” for letting that happen when he could have intervened and stopped the mess. When I said that, I just saw his face deflate. I later apologized for this. My emotions had gotten the best of me. I was just shocked that Brendon did nothing to help the situation. If it would have been me, he would have done everything he could to stop it.

Erin came up again in discussion with Brendon asking me if I thought he was a bad person. I said maybe and Brendon went to the bathroom and to do the dishes from dinner.  I just sat in the living room with my thoughts. My mind went to the fact that I cannot be with someone who is not going love other people. To ignore what was going on I did not agree with. I honestly thought about breaking up with Brendon because of this. But then my mind went to our song. The words “I won’t give up on us” came to my mind. This was just a test for us. This was really our first argument. It seems silly that it was over a Sweet Tea but that is what it was.

I learned a valuable lesson that day. That even though what I thought Brendon needed was not really what he needed. Brendon was hurt himself. With much to bear, he was channeling the hurt he had on Erin. Though it was not right he needed help. He needed me. I put down justice and picked up love instead. I will never forget sitting on the couch with him and he telling me that it is hard for him to help others when deep inside he is screaming for help himself. Tears come to my eyes every time I remember this. A wall was torn down in his moment. Brendon has tried to be independent because he has been hurt so much by other people. He tries the best he can but people use him and make his life worse. He cried and I did not know what to do. I just wanted him to know I was there for him and if he needed anything; I was there. We hugged.  He let me know that he felt that he was losing the one good thing in his life. I reassured him that that I was not going anywhere. I was distant in that situation because I wanted to give Brendon his space if he needed it. Though I like to resolve conflict quickly, I wanted to be sensitive to Brendon as well.

Erin will be moving to her mom’s house this week so much stress will be off Brendon. He will also be moving later this month himself. Though life is tough we get through. Brendon has many positive things ahead of him. He tried to do a good thing for Erin but it became toxic. It was nice to get to meet Erin from my perspective. Though Brendon and I disagree on the way things are handled, I give Brendon a lot of credit for taking in his ex-finance in her time of need. At the end of the day, Erin was helped in this situation. I think it is hard for both of them because they are both hurting in different ways.

I hope that with time Brendon will be able to trust me more and let me help him if he needs.  As boyfriends, we are together. His problems are mine. I care about all that is happening in his life. If he needs help, I am more than willing to go the distance.

-Josh

(Photo Courtesy of Gay-Romance via Tumblr)

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