Monthly Archives: February 2013

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One day Brendon brought up that someone had made a negative comment to someone else because of their sexuality at work. I assumed that someone had said something about him. I wanted him to know that I was there for him and we let it go. It came up again only to find out that it was aimed at me. A good friend of Brendon’s that also works were we work asked who was running the machine and was answered with “Oh just a fag.” Brendon’s friend let Brendon know only for his friend to find out that I was Brendon’s boyfriend. His friend is very supportive but did not like the comment that was given. I was surprised to find out that the person who said it was the guy that I had talked to and wrote about in my post “Experience and Discussion”. In moving machines since starting where I work, I do work with this guy now fairly consistantly.

The first couple of days were hard for me as I knew there was a division between us. This is honestly the first time I have been called a fag since I came out. As I go back through the memories trying to recount all of this, it disheartens me. He did not have the guts to say it to my face but to backstab me for something I have no control over. As I thought about it more, he bullies me because he lacks confidence in himself. I possess something that he simply does not. I do not care about his opinions because they are simply that, opinions. He chooses to bully instead of trying to understand. Sexuality is a rough topic and with his brother also being gay I think he has a hard time wrestling with it.

Yesterday he actually made a comment to me. Our candles were pouring too hot; making them very soupy. He had took one of the candles out of the machine to check it.  He compared what the candles were looking like to cum and commented that I liked that. In response, “Who cares?” It is just another stab. Your label of “fag” will not stick to me. I accept myself and God who made me. My love is sincere and passionate. I have a wonderful boyfriend and we have a wonderful life together. I am not going to be pushed down by someone else who simply is not worth my time.

For right now, it is what it is. If it does get worse, I will let someone know. I will not let it get to being a “Code Black”. (At work, a code black is where someone calls that over that PA system that there is fighting or violence in the factory so people will know and break it up.)

It is the hardest for me because we are brothers in Christ. We are both Christians and yet he chooses to bully me. I will not respond with violence but that is why I am easy target. I will do my job and not hold a grudge but he is walking on a fine line to loosing his job if he does not stop what he is doing.

-Josh


Bye Bella!

Jack Russel

I just wanted to write this post for closure. Last night Brendon and I hung out. As always, he let his dogs out to do their business before they would be in for the night. Rascal always goes out first. No problems there. When Bella went out, she got loose and came unhooked from the lead. This is the third time it has happened. Brendon looked around the house for her but could not find her. With not that much gas in his car, he did not want to go looking for her when it could take hours and still not find her. Neither of us wanted her to freeze but there was not anything really we could do. She did not have any tags on her because Brendon has been juggling around money since he moved and there just wasn’t any at the time for that. It is bittersweet as she was a big stress in Brendon’s life. It does not really make sense that she ran away either. I personally think she was abused before Brendon got her in order to have puppies. She was so skittish and shy. She would back up when you were trying to take the lead off of her. Whenever she was out, she would always pace. She would make a pattern and go from one end of it to the other over and over and over.

On the positive side, Brendon got back half of his security deposit from his previous place. Now money won’t be as tight.

Being with Brendon, as I have told him before, has shown me the world and what life is really like. It is opened my eyes to reality; both the good and the bad.

Brendon also had to take his mother to the ER. She is having problems with her hip and now has to use a walker. There never seems to seise to be things going on within his family. Ethan is in and out of the hospital and that is hard on everyone. One of his sisters is pregnant again. It is just a lot. I am so proud of him for what he deals with and goes through. It is not easy but he is a fighter and he gets through.

Last night he was just so tired so we fell asleep in each other’s arms before I had to go home. It was so cute and so precious.

-Josh


Married (Unofficially)

Gay Marriage

Brendon and I have officially married each other yesterday and made the decision that we want to spend the rest of our lives together. Though there has been no ceremony or rings, we are thinking of using the rings we have for now for a while. Hopefully we can get the ring that Brendon got me as a promise ring resized so I can wear it and he has a ring with The Lord’s Prayer on it that he got from WalMart. With money being tight for both of us, we will do what we can but I do not need anything. I am just happy to be with my man.

Brendon has been respectful of me as I will not buy anything from WalMart because of their anti-gay stance or the misinformation that WalMart holds an anti-gay stance. Even if WalMart is not anti-gay, I would rather be safe than sorry. I will not hinder people from shopping there and people need their jobs to make a living. Personally I just choose not to buy anything from there.

I wish that all of these did not have to be so messy. The both of us know we are married yet no one else knows. I have not told my parents that Brendon and I are even together. Being an organized person, I do not like the lack of structure in our relationship but we are two men and society is society. It could be better but what matters is that Brendon and I are together. It is amazing how similar we are and yet we still have our own personalities and differences.

Right now we are both have debt that we need of pay off. Once I get my college loans payed off I would like to move in and help him out the best I can. I just want to see him succeed and be the best he can be.

I really love that we are both very focused on helping other people better their lives. Brendon has tossed around the idea of providing affordable living for people; inspired from his search to find a place in my town.

I know I have a lot of potential and could do pretty much anything. I just have too many ideas that I do not know what to do. I want to be successful and help other people in the process but I do not know what that is yet. Maybe it is the clothing company I dreamed about or maybe it is something else.

I just strive to be the best person I can be and take everything one day at a time.

God Bless,

Josh

Photo Courtesy of VanityFair.com


Missing Opportunities

Image

In light of being faced with some opposition, I wanted to say a few words. Since Sunday happened to be the anniversary for the Boy Scouts of America, the troop that our church sponsors had a part of the service where they brought and placed the flags, lead us all in the Pledge of Allegiance and recited their pledges. One of the leaders also spoke for a little bit. How fitting with all this controversy when it comes to allowing gay people to participate in this organization. It breaks my heart to see a fellow Youth Group member be a part of this organization and knowing that he came out previously. Knowing that his family and himself has to bury deep inside him who he really is. People discount him even more because he has a condition, some form of ADHD. He can be hyper and full of energy, hard to calm down. With his condition, they deny his sexuality as part of the condition. He does not really know what he is talking about. I have not been able to talk to him at all since I heard that he had come out on a missions trip one summer. His parents are very protective like mine were at that age. I just wish the best for him but my heart breaks seeing that. May he be able to be happy and enjoying life to the fullest.

I write this to say that Boy Scouts of America is making a mistake in not accepting gay people. What did we do any way to deserve being kicked out? The organization builds many good and moral attributes into the young men they work with. Even gay men can benefit from Boy Scouts. I cannot wrap my mind around the reason for this ban. We are simply people trying to do the best with our lives that we can. We have no control over our sexuality. If we did the gay rights movement would not what it is today.

In banning gay people, an opportunity is lost. An opportunity to love someone and get to know them. Are we not going to treat everyone as they would want to be treated? To deny someone of their final badge not because they did not complete the program but because of their sexual orientation is far from anything beneficial. We cared for you and helped you go through this program but now we’re going to strip you of the confidence and feeling of a job well done. It is betrayal and backstabbing. This is only going against the principles that they themselves teach the young men. No matter what happens with the Boys Scouts of America, as one person I will love people for who they are. I will not waste opportunities to love and care about someone simply because I do not understand or agree with them. I am more than that and I think the Boys Scouts of America is more than that as well.

I also encountered a page that my brother had written to use for a Bible Study that he started. The topic was morality and servitude. He focused on The Decline of the United States and bullet point number one was gay rights. There are two verses and then raises the question of how does this affect us today. I cannot express how hurt I am by this. I have a wonderful boyfriend and we love each other very much. I do the best I can with what I am given. It just makes me realize that I need to speak up more and be more real than I ever have before. It hurts me to think that this Bible Study of high school guys is going to bash gay people and not allowing people to love who they love.

There have been times when I missed opportunities that I could have spoken up about my sexuality and my life as a gay man. Sometimes I just do not want to deal with it because it is always in my face, always trying to do the right thing. I need to remember that no matter what the response or the opinions of others, I need to stand up for myself and my fellow gay brothers. I need to be there for those that are hurting even when others will not.

Though other people can try to hurt us, it is ourselves that let it effect us. I am real enough to know that we have problems with the Boy Scouts of America and my brother but the point is to do the best that I can and not allow it to take over my world. We can never loose sight of the hope we have for ourselves and for others. There is always hope and there is always hope for positive change. What I say as a gay man is just as important as a well known gay activist says. We all have a part to help others understand and try to see the world from our eyes.

God Bless,

Josh