Bye Bella!

Jack Russel

I just wanted to write this post for closure. Last night Brendon and I hung out. As always, he let his dogs out to do their business before they would be in for the night. Rascal always goes out first. No problems there. When Bella went out, she got loose and came unhooked from the lead. This is the third time it has happened. Brendon looked around the house for her but could not find her. With not that much gas in his car, he did not want to go looking for her when it could take hours and still not find her. Neither of us wanted her to freeze but there was not anything really we could do. She did not have any tags on her because Brendon has been juggling around money since he moved and there just wasn’t any at the time for that. It is bittersweet as she was a big stress in Brendon’s life. It does not really make sense that she ran away either. I personally think she was abused before Brendon got her in order to have puppies. She was so skittish and shy. She would back up when you were trying to take the lead off of her. Whenever she was out, she would always pace. She would make a pattern and go from one end of it to the other over and over and over.

On the positive side, Brendon got back half of his security deposit from his previous place. Now money won’t be as tight.

Being with Brendon, as I have told him before, has shown me the world and what life is really like. It is opened my eyes to reality; both the good and the bad.

Brendon also had to take his mother to the ER. She is having problems with her hip and now has to use a walker. There never seems to seise to be things going on within his family. Ethan is in and out of the hospital and that is hard on everyone. One of his sisters is pregnant again. It is just a lot. I am so proud of him for what he deals with and goes through. It is not easy but he is a fighter and he gets through.

Last night he was just so tired so we fell asleep in each other’s arms before I had to go home. It was so cute and so precious.

-Josh

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Married (Unofficially)

Gay Marriage

Brendon and I have officially married each other yesterday and made the decision that we want to spend the rest of our lives together. Though there has been no ceremony or rings, we are thinking of using the rings we have for now for a while. Hopefully we can get the ring that Brendon got me as a promise ring resized so I can wear it and he has a ring with The Lord’s Prayer on it that he got from WalMart. With money being tight for both of us, we will do what we can but I do not need anything. I am just happy to be with my man.

Brendon has been respectful of me as I will not buy anything from WalMart because of their anti-gay stance or the misinformation that WalMart holds an anti-gay stance. Even if WalMart is not anti-gay, I would rather be safe than sorry. I will not hinder people from shopping there and people need their jobs to make a living. Personally I just choose not to buy anything from there.

I wish that all of these did not have to be so messy. The both of us know we are married yet no one else knows. I have not told my parents that Brendon and I are even together. Being an organized person, I do not like the lack of structure in our relationship but we are two men and society is society. It could be better but what matters is that Brendon and I are together. It is amazing how similar we are and yet we still have our own personalities and differences.

Right now we are both have debt that we need of pay off. Once I get my college loans payed off I would like to move in and help him out the best I can. I just want to see him succeed and be the best he can be.

I really love that we are both very focused on helping other people better their lives. Brendon has tossed around the idea of providing affordable living for people; inspired from his search to find a place in my town.

I know I have a lot of potential and could do pretty much anything. I just have too many ideas that I do not know what to do. I want to be successful and help other people in the process but I do not know what that is yet. Maybe it is the clothing company I dreamed about or maybe it is something else.

I just strive to be the best person I can be and take everything one day at a time.

God Bless,

Josh

Photo Courtesy of VanityFair.com


Missing Opportunities

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In light of being faced with some opposition, I wanted to say a few words. Since Sunday happened to be the anniversary for the Boy Scouts of America, the troop that our church sponsors had a part of the service where they brought and placed the flags, lead us all in the Pledge of Allegiance and recited their pledges. One of the leaders also spoke for a little bit. How fitting with all this controversy when it comes to allowing gay people to participate in this organization. It breaks my heart to see a fellow Youth Group member be a part of this organization and knowing that he came out previously. Knowing that his family and himself has to bury deep inside him who he really is. People discount him even more because he has a condition, some form of ADHD. He can be hyper and full of energy, hard to calm down. With his condition, they deny his sexuality as part of the condition. He does not really know what he is talking about. I have not been able to talk to him at all since I heard that he had come out on a missions trip one summer. His parents are very protective like mine were at that age. I just wish the best for him but my heart breaks seeing that. May he be able to be happy and enjoying life to the fullest.

I write this to say that Boy Scouts of America is making a mistake in not accepting gay people. What did we do any way to deserve being kicked out? The organization builds many good and moral attributes into the young men they work with. Even gay men can benefit from Boy Scouts. I cannot wrap my mind around the reason for this ban. We are simply people trying to do the best with our lives that we can. We have no control over our sexuality. If we did the gay rights movement would not what it is today.

In banning gay people, an opportunity is lost. An opportunity to love someone and get to know them. Are we not going to treat everyone as they would want to be treated? To deny someone of their final badge not because they did not complete the program but because of their sexual orientation is far from anything beneficial. We cared for you and helped you go through this program but now we’re going to strip you of the confidence and feeling of a job well done. It is betrayal and backstabbing. This is only going against the principles that they themselves teach the young men. No matter what happens with the Boys Scouts of America, as one person I will love people for who they are. I will not waste opportunities to love and care about someone simply because I do not understand or agree with them. I am more than that and I think the Boys Scouts of America is more than that as well.

I also encountered a page that my brother had written to use for a Bible Study that he started. The topic was morality and servitude. He focused on The Decline of the United States and bullet point number one was gay rights. There are two verses and then raises the question of how does this affect us today. I cannot express how hurt I am by this. I have a wonderful boyfriend and we love each other very much. I do the best I can with what I am given. It just makes me realize that I need to speak up more and be more real than I ever have before. It hurts me to think that this Bible Study of high school guys is going to bash gay people and not allowing people to love who they love.

There have been times when I missed opportunities that I could have spoken up about my sexuality and my life as a gay man. Sometimes I just do not want to deal with it because it is always in my face, always trying to do the right thing. I need to remember that no matter what the response or the opinions of others, I need to stand up for myself and my fellow gay brothers. I need to be there for those that are hurting even when others will not.

Though other people can try to hurt us, it is ourselves that let it effect us. I am real enough to know that we have problems with the Boy Scouts of America and my brother but the point is to do the best that I can and not allow it to take over my world. We can never loose sight of the hope we have for ourselves and for others. There is always hope and there is always hope for positive change. What I say as a gay man is just as important as a well known gay activist says. We all have a part to help others understand and try to see the world from our eyes.

God Bless,

Josh


Where Do We Go Now?

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Brendon and I had the opportunity to spend the weekend together. We even had time to hang out with his brother Ethan and boyfriend Keith again and started packing things away to move. Last week Brendon was able to get a house in the town that I live in. He will not have to drive 30 minutes to see me or go to work. There are many benefits to the move. When he finishes paying the rest of the security deposit, he will be given the keys to move in. With the move, we will be able to hang out more. Usually if we do go out during the week, we go out to eat and just talk and hang out in his car after they close. Now we will be able to have a place to stay together.

We both realize that we are going fast in our relationship but that just is the pace we are going. I brought up marriage again since we both want to be intimate with one another. We believe we should be married before we have sex. As we thought about it, we could not find a concrete way to do things. In researching laws in Ohio, civil unions and same sex marriage are banned in the state. Only certain cities allow domestic partnerships and that is it. I think we also came to the conclusion that we do not want our families there though I feel obligated to stand up for LGBT people by having a wedding with my family there. Then again it is my day and I would not want it to be ruined though there may be hard feelings. There may be a vote on same sex marriages in Ohio this year but can we honestly wait that long? Will it even pass?

We could always just get wedding bands and just say we are married though we are not legally. I do not know what to do or what the right decision for us is yet. Our lives hold us back from getting married. With my college loan debt that I need to pay off and being accepted by the landlord to be allowed to live in Brendon’s apartment, life is telling us to wait yet we are ready for the next step.

I also wonder how to be pure sexually in all of this. We are ready to love each other on the deepest level possible. We are ready to commit our whole lives to each other. I do not have any other knowledge than the experiences that I live but when it is two guys we are both just revving to go sexually. I know most people will say it is fine to have sex with Brendon before marriage but I want to do what is right and I would like to have favor on our relationship together. 

It makes me sad to see what LGBT people have to go through in the state of Ohio. I honestly feel trapped and that I do not really have any options. What have others done in the past to overcome this obstacle? I do not blame gay people for having random sex when they honestly cannot be married or have to settle for something less than what they want. There is also moving to a state that would legally allow us to marry as an option. 

Right now we are just living day by day. I am going into work to pay off my college loans and be one step closer into being Brendon’s husband. If there is any advice to be given, I would appreciate it. I want to do what is best for Brendon and what is best for us.

God Bless,

Josh

Photo Courtesy of Be Yourself (Strawberries Are Blue) via Tumblr


Ring

Acceptance

Brendon surprised me with a ring yesterday! Not a wedding ring, but a promise ring that he would love me and to do what it takes in our relationship together. I had always wanted a ring since we were both playing with his one day I was over. He has a ring with The Lord’s Prayer engraved all around it. When he bought it, he knew it was meant to be as he put it on and it fit perfectly. He wanted to get me a ring very badly so he tried to hurry up and get it before I came over. Where he went there was not much selection so the ring that he go me does not fit as well as it should. (His fingers are bigger than mine.) It is a little loose. We are thinking that I am probably a 7 or 8 but I have never been officially sized. Not to worry, he had a back-up plan. He gave me a chain to wear the ring “close to my heart” as he put it. I would love to have a ring on my finger but I know I will soon. I really appreciate that he did this for me because it makes me feel so special.

As we were talking he told me that he thought about proposing to me but felt like it was too soon. I think this year of being apart will only make us stronger. 2014 will be our year as we move in together and get married. I look forward to the day with anticipation when we pick out our wedding bands together. Marriage has been a topic that has not been shied away from yet there is nothing set as something we have to do. On one hand I feel the weight of responsibility on my shoulders to have a wedding with both of our families there. To stand and make a statement that I love another man and that all people should be able to marry the person they love. At the same time, I would not want to have to deal with the drama of having a family wedding. Running off and getting married sounds great. Brendon even mentioned just inviting a couple friends. I do not want to shy away from my responsibility as a gay man or have people in my family think I think I am better than them because I never talk to or see them. It is my one day to feel loved and special. I will only get this once in my lifetime. It is a big deal to me and I would like if it could go as smoothly as possible. In talking, Brendon brought up that he thought about having our wedding under the stars. At first, it totally was not what I had thought but the more I think about it the more romantic it sounds so that option is also on the table.

The big thing that stands in my way is my parents. They know nothing about Brendon and I – our relationship together. Both of them have been open to talking about him. I am glad to see that. My mom said in talking to me once that she wonders where Brendon and I are – what our status is. I just want a good time alone with her to talk about it. There is also some fear in what she might say as I honestly do not know if they will support me marrying Brendon. I would really appreciate thoughts and prayers as I go through with this. It is one thing coming out, it is another to be honest about the rest of it. I wish it could be easier; that they accepted me more so I would not have to fear coming to them saying I found someone I want to live the rest of my life with.  I can only be realistic and hope for the best. Great love cannot be separated. I care about my family and want to be a part of their lives but Brendon makes me happy and at peace. He lets me unwind and love life for what its worth. Hard decisions may be coming up for me down the road but that is life. All I can do is choose the best one and move on.

God Bless,

Josh

(Photo Courtesy of Pablo Needs Amused via Tumblr)


The Breaking Down of Walls

Close

In looking back on my time with Brendon on Saturday, it was difficult to go through but it has made us both stronger. It made us grow closer in a way that we never would have had without the difficulty.

Erin’s boyfriend Jason happened to spend the night prior so when we got there they were both in the shower together. There has been tension between Erin and Brendon about numerous things, one of them being asking him if Jason could come over. She simply invited him without seeing if it would be fine. I had the chance of meeting Jason before they both left to go get lunch. He is definitely not what I expected when it would come to Erin’s baby’s dad. He seems like a nice guy and I hope everything works out with the two of them getting a place and having the baby together. In the last time I was over there, Erin let us know that we were the godparents of this baby. She does not really have anyone else to care for it if something happened to her and Jason. I appreciate that but Brendon and I are in agreement that we do not need to have kids to be a happy family. Honestly, I would not want to be stuck with Erin’s kid because she does not care about if she gets pregnant or not. If God places that baby in our hands, we will do the best we can to take care of it but I would rather not have to see that day. No matter what it is going to be tough for Erin and Jason to raise this baby but they need to take responsibility for their actions.

Brendon got me a blanket incorporating my favorite colors and with his cologne sprayed all over it along with a heart shaped box of miniature Resse’s Cups. I drew him a picture with the lyrics to our song in a heart with our initials and anniversary date. I like our romantic side of the relationship. In hard financial times, it is more than enough to just have him but I appreciate the work he put in to get me that gift.

I smiled as well when I saw that he had set his wallpaper on his computer to the picture I used for my “Official” post. He thinks it is so us. I agree. That lead us to say that we needed some pictures of the two of us. I do not know when that will happen.

We watched a couple of episodes of Dog Eat Dog. I had never seen the show before but I enjoyed it. Basically it is a show where people are playing against each other trying to win money by doing different timed physical challenges . We also played some Uno. In the process of this, Erin brings up her Sweet Tea story. Brendon and Erin went to McDonalds. Erin ordered a Sweet Tea. There was too much ice in the cup so the cup punctured and the tea came out of the cup. Eventually Sweet Tea was all over her and all over Brendon’s car. I called Brendon an “idiot” for letting that happen when he could have intervened and stopped the mess. When I said that, I just saw his face deflate. I later apologized for this. My emotions had gotten the best of me. I was just shocked that Brendon did nothing to help the situation. If it would have been me, he would have done everything he could to stop it.

Erin came up again in discussion with Brendon asking me if I thought he was a bad person. I said maybe and Brendon went to the bathroom and to do the dishes from dinner.  I just sat in the living room with my thoughts. My mind went to the fact that I cannot be with someone who is not going love other people. To ignore what was going on I did not agree with. I honestly thought about breaking up with Brendon because of this. But then my mind went to our song. The words “I won’t give up on us” came to my mind. This was just a test for us. This was really our first argument. It seems silly that it was over a Sweet Tea but that is what it was.

I learned a valuable lesson that day. That even though what I thought Brendon needed was not really what he needed. Brendon was hurt himself. With much to bear, he was channeling the hurt he had on Erin. Though it was not right he needed help. He needed me. I put down justice and picked up love instead. I will never forget sitting on the couch with him and he telling me that it is hard for him to help others when deep inside he is screaming for help himself. Tears come to my eyes every time I remember this. A wall was torn down in his moment. Brendon has tried to be independent because he has been hurt so much by other people. He tries the best he can but people use him and make his life worse. He cried and I did not know what to do. I just wanted him to know I was there for him and if he needed anything; I was there. We hugged.  He let me know that he felt that he was losing the one good thing in his life. I reassured him that that I was not going anywhere. I was distant in that situation because I wanted to give Brendon his space if he needed it. Though I like to resolve conflict quickly, I wanted to be sensitive to Brendon as well.

Erin will be moving to her mom’s house this week so much stress will be off Brendon. He will also be moving later this month himself. Though life is tough we get through. Brendon has many positive things ahead of him. He tried to do a good thing for Erin but it became toxic. It was nice to get to meet Erin from my perspective. Though Brendon and I disagree on the way things are handled, I give Brendon a lot of credit for taking in his ex-finance in her time of need. At the end of the day, Erin was helped in this situation. I think it is hard for both of them because they are both hurting in different ways.

I hope that with time Brendon will be able to trust me more and let me help him if he needs.  As boyfriends, we are together. His problems are mine. I care about all that is happening in his life. If he needs help, I am more than willing to go the distance.

-Josh

(Photo Courtesy of Gay-Romance via Tumblr)


Growing Love

Love Bench

Brendon and I had another day together yesterday. He took me out to Rockne’s. We enjoyed each other and had fun. I had not been there since the one where I live opened. He also had mentioned wanting to take me there on one of our first times we hung out. Since I do not go out to eat much, I thought I would leave a nice tip for the waitress that was serving us. At first Brendon was hesitant at my idea of giving her $20 as a tip but as the meal went on he agreed. It is always good to make someone else’s day when you can.

In looking back at yesterday, I just start tearing up. I cannot think of a better time that I have had with another person. It was just a really great night. We went back to his place to play some games with Erin – Uno and Clue. I have not played Clue in a long time but I enjoyed just it as much – maybe even more that Brendon was playing with us. For dinner we made Chicken Parmesan. We brought back dessert from Rockne’s to have. To just lay together, cuddle, and kiss one another was everything I hoped and dreamed for in finding a boyfriend. To finish the night off, we watched a couple episodes of Glee. We are halfway through the first season. I really want to get to the part where Kurt and Blaine’s story starts but we will get there eventually.

In cuddling, I told him I was ready to marry him. It took a while for me to say it but it came. I do not see me being with anyone else. We both have our flaws but I could devote the rest of my life to Brendon. Every time I see him I grow a little more love for him. Though we are not ready to get married and our state does not currently support gay marriage, I just wanted him to know how special he is.

We have little problems that come up but we easily fix them. All in all, we just make a great team. I honestly think we were meant for each other. As the new year approaches, I look forward to being with a boyfriend for a whole year. It is definitely going to be a new experience. My previous relationship only lasted 9 days and right now Brendon and I have only been officially together 6 days. I am looking forward to being with him and what the future holds for us. There is hope.

-Josh

(Photo Courtesy of Pablo Needs Amused via Timblr)