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One day Brendon brought up that someone had made a negative comment to someone else because of their sexuality at work. I assumed that someone had said something about him. I wanted him to know that I was there for him and we let it go. It came up again only to find out that it was aimed at me. A good friend of Brendon’s that also works were we work asked who was running the machine and was answered with “Oh just a fag.” Brendon’s friend let Brendon know only for his friend to find out that I was Brendon’s boyfriend. His friend is very supportive but did not like the comment that was given. I was surprised to find out that the person who said it was the guy that I had talked to and wrote about in my post “Experience and Discussion”. In moving machines since starting where I work, I do work with this guy now fairly consistantly.

The first couple of days were hard for me as I knew there was a division between us. This is honestly the first time I have been called a fag since I came out. As I go back through the memories trying to recount all of this, it disheartens me. He did not have the guts to say it to my face but to backstab me for something I have no control over. As I thought about it more, he bullies me because he lacks confidence in himself. I possess something that he simply does not. I do not care about his opinions because they are simply that, opinions. He chooses to bully instead of trying to understand. Sexuality is a rough topic and with his brother also being gay I think he has a hard time wrestling with it.

Yesterday he actually made a comment to me. Our candles were pouring too hot; making them very soupy. He had took one of the candles out of the machine to check it.  He compared what the candles were looking like to cum and commented that I liked that. In response, “Who cares?” It is just another stab. Your label of “fag” will not stick to me. I accept myself and God who made me. My love is sincere and passionate. I have a wonderful boyfriend and we have a wonderful life together. I am not going to be pushed down by someone else who simply is not worth my time.

For right now, it is what it is. If it does get worse, I will let someone know. I will not let it get to being a “Code Black”. (At work, a code black is where someone calls that over that PA system that there is fighting or violence in the factory so people will know and break it up.)

It is the hardest for me because we are brothers in Christ. We are both Christians and yet he chooses to bully me. I will not respond with violence but that is why I am easy target. I will do my job and not hold a grudge but he is walking on a fine line to loosing his job if he does not stop what he is doing.

-Josh


New Series: Deeper Discussion

I saw a video of Dan Savage promoting his new television show, American Savage, on Facebook. His message is for the Christian Left to be bolder and let the Christian Right know that there are people who are Christians and support gay rights. I would like the opportunity to have my own take on this.

There are posts on WordPress that do oppose gay people and gay rights and I would like to start writing posts addressing those. I do not write these posts to get at the original writers but to show both sides when it comes to the topic of gay people and subtopics under that. From my perspective, I think some people are anti-gay because they have been fed lies about gay people and have had scare tactics set on them so that they will be afraid of gay people and not accept them. I would like to shine light on these false truths as a gay Christian man doing his best to live his life to the fullest and honor God. Hopefully others will be touched by these posts.

For those that are searching for answers and want to understand how or what to do when it comes to such a hot button topic, I want to provide a solution. Maybe it will not be the answers that they need but I feel led to share my side of the story. I want to show people how gay men see it and get rid of the lies that hinder people for being unified. If someone believes that gay is wrong and bases it on their faith or religion, I respect that. I would just hate to see people basing their beliefs on false truths.

All of these new posts will be under the “Deeper Discussion” category on my blog as well. I will still be writing about my life and Brendon but thought I would branch out more and take the opportunity to make a bigger difference. This is only one blog out of many and I am only one person but hopefully I can make a positive impact. I thank all of the readers for commenting and liking my posts. It is truly a privilege to share my life and my story as it happens. Thank you for listening and for this opportunity to share my thoughts, convictions, and passions.

God Bless,

Josh


Personal Struggles

There are many things that are pulling and tugging at me from within. I was reading a book and there was a story about a guy who felt God called him to be gay so he was in a relationship for six years. The relationship eventually fizzled out and God told him that that was the end of him being gay/not to be in any more relationships. Sort of as a way to just try it out. I am afraid God may do this to me. I would not want to break the guy’s heart. Brendon and I are going strong right now and I would hate to hurt him in any way. Ultimately, it is best for me to trust God but I get stuck in the unknown. I pursued Brendon and other guys because I wanted a relationship, I just wanted to be happy. Being with another man makes me happy. There is too much pain and turmoil that gay men go through and even more that gay Christians go through. I know what God wants for me is best but I am at a hard time in my life trying to figure it out as life goes on.

I wrestle with knowing that the way I act out my sexuality, the way God will show me how to act out my sexuality, will probably be in between denying myself of anything associated with being gay and fully accepting my sexuality and the gay culture around me. Logically, everything makes sense but emotionally I become a mess. I wrestle with if having sex with another man is morally right. Living with another man and devoting my life to him is acceptable in my mind. Loving another person is never wrong. I wonder if the sexual tension will be great living with him. It does not make any sense to me to limit showing love to another person. Sex shows the commitment between two people and God. Two people come together as one in sex and the commitment makes them one as well. This logic proves that having sex is not wrong. Is having anal sex what was intended for the body? Can the body hold up to anal sex? Is it only opening myself up more to disease and sickness? It is safe to have anal sex and the only reason I hold back is because I see statistics of gay men who have sex with multiple people and multiple men at one time? I am probably not a bottom in the least. I always had the idea that in sex, as in anything else, you have to be selfless so I would bottom for my husband if that is what he wanted me to do. An act of love and sacrifice. Even if I did not enjoy it, I would do it for him. I feel that in a relationship, each guy should be able to be versatile for the other though I know that is not always how things work out.

I wrestle with the fact of how I look to the gay community beginning a company that helps gay men. The gay community can be very judgmental and opinionated. I struggle with the fact of God calling me to reach out the the gay men that are hurting and in need but at the same time not being able to be like them. That my company and influence would be a struggle for me to stay away from. No matter what, I would love Brendon to be in my life and to be there for me as I start this company and continue to move forward. Anyone needs people who care and support them when times get hard and rough. I do not want the gay community criticizing me for not being like them.

To make things even more complicated, my mom asked me if Brendon and I were friends or more than friends and I told her both, being honest. What we are is complicated but it is life. She told me to “be careful.” I do not know what that means for her. I do. Her asking me that question caused tension. What are my parents going to do now? Are they not going to allow me to see Brendon? They have never supported my sexuality so I am nervous about everything. I have always said that I wanted to be close to my parents and my sexuality not be an issue but they need to earn my trust back that they are not going to hurt me or a guy that I am interested in. I would not let Brendon meets my parents before I knew where they stood. I see safety in distance. Part of me just wants to spend the holidays with my man and not see my family.

Brendon and I are doing well. We hung out at his apartment last weekend and will do it again this weekend. I am bringing over a movie to watch. We are going to make dinner together. I also made him a CD with some love songs and inspirational songs to get him through the day. When I look in his eyes, I just see the love he has for me. I do not deserve him and I do not know why he loves me so much. I am not that special. I am good at some things but I am mostly a mess. I am working on it though. When I saw him this week at work, my emotions just lit up. I am starting to fall for him. I could never have imagined that this would all happen the way it did but I am thankful to God that it did. Hopefully Brendon and I can one day have a relationship together  and continue to share our love for one another.

-Josh

(Photo Courtesy of Welcome to the New Age via Tumblr)


Blessings

The inspiration for my last post came from a place of being alone; of loneliness and honesty. I just wanted to get all my feelings out so that they would not be able to build pressure within me. At the beginning of the day I was at a low point but things got better from there.

Ever since I started working again at the candle factory I am currently working in, I have had my eye on this one guy. He worked on another machine and even worked another shift. I would watch him from my machine as I was working before he would leave. Under the circumstances, I tossed getting to know him out of my mind. It just was not going to work out. One day, he came over to help in my department for the last 30 minutes of his shift. He introduced himself. Brendon is his name. I was nervous because I had never thought that I would ever be working with him. It was not long before he had to leave but he made his impression. I still wanted to get to know him more. The next time he came over to help, I was swamped trying to get supplies and show other coworkers what to do when he comes over. He actually surprised me in coming over. Our eyes just connected and I smiled at him for a couple seconds. I cannot give what I felt the justice of words. I love his eyes because there is so much to them. They are so loving, warm, and inviting. He had another 30 minutes before he had to leave. I showed him what to do and in the process noticed that he had on a Christian camp t-shirt with a verse on the back. He was gay and he was a Christian. What are the odds of that? I did not even think that was possible to find another gay Christian in my small town. This week, he asked for overtime and was allowed to work a maximum of 15 hours overtime on top of all of the factory workers working an 8 hour Saturday. So Monday he came over to my department and worked 3 hours. It was a good time to get to know him and throughout that whole time I was just smiling. He has a genuine, care free personality that I like about him. Being around him makes me remember to relax and enjoy life when at times I can be too goal focused and too stressed out.

So I posted my previous post on Wednesday and as I was working I felt that something positive was going to happen with Brendon and I. God was telling me that something was. (I will never forget the time God told me to be ready for when a friend I knew online had pre-marital sex with his girlfriend and he texted me freaking out about it. I thought it was an absurd thought that I had just had but it actually became real. It shows me I need to always be listening to what God is telling me.) Brendon was about to leave and I wanted to talk to him about something work related –  something was not in the right place it should of been that he had been previously working on. I debated if I should come up to him or not as he was talking to my supervisor. I wrestled with myself and ultimately walked up to him and said something. After we worked that out, he very casually gave me a piece of paper and told me to let him know if I wanted to hang out. He had given me his number. Never in my life has another guy given me their number. I know I have somewhat of a very sheltered life because of my parents but it was a big deal. I thought about him and what had happened all throughout my shift and texted him after I got off. We are meeting for coffee tomorrow and we are both really looking forward to it. It has been since December since I have had another gay guy in my real life that I am able to talk to. I would really like us to be friends and if things work out, maybe more. I am just taking it one step at a time and not letting my emotions get too in the way of everything else.

The funny thing is though when I found out Brendon’s name I tried to find him on Facebook through mutual coworkers. I honestly did not think I would find him as I only had his first name and little information. I actually found him and that is what confirmed he was indeed gay and a Christian. I debated for a while on whether or not to send him a message with my number because I never knew when we would be working together again. I actually sent him a message with my number 8 days before he gave me his. He is not on Facebook much with all the time he works and his dog just had puppies but to my knowledge he did not see the message before he gave me his number. I reached out to him first but I am glad that it happened the way it did because it made me me feel loved and that I was special.

One problem I face is I cannot say I am fully attracted to him. I am attracted to parts of him but not all of him. Is this weird or have other gay guys experienced this? Hopefully with time I will be able to be fully attracted to him. I think God is protecting me as I do live with my parents and I have chosen to honor them by not being in a relationship while I am living under their roof.

I am blessed to have Brendon in my life. I thank God for him. Hopefully we can be good friends and he is able to understand the deepest parts of me. I am excited to get to know him better.

-Josh

(Photo courtesy of Welcome to the New Age via Tumblr)


Being Real In The World I Live In

I just need a place to be honest about what I am feeling right now. Everyday I hurt because I cannot love who I was made to love. I am forced to deny myself by my parents and daily they reinforce the pain they are inflicting. They are oblivious to the pain they cause me because they are unwilling to accept that I indeed am gay. I do not fit into their worldview so they try to fit me into a box that I just do not fit or deny all of it. I will never deny that I have attractions to other men. God calls me to live a life of truth. Do you want me to lie my whole life and sin that way or commit the sin of homosexuality? This is why I distance myself from my parents. When religion and Christianity hinders a person from seeing another’s hurt and pain and to logically reason, it has gone too far. I honestly do not care if my parents accept my choices in life but I want them to accept me as a gay man. From them to see that, yes, I do have attractions to other men. All of this pain and hurt is real. So much so that I have a heart condition that doctors cannot tell me why it is happening. I give it to the stress of work and my sexuality struggle through life. Do my parents not see that they are killing me literally because of what they do? Do you want to have me as your son or not? I would not be surprised one day I just had a heart attack at work and past out on the floor. I am dying inside as I try to live my life. I long for love from another man. I am starving for it. Just a hug from another gay man.

I cannot go on to live a life in which Christians make gay people into aliens. I am still appalled that my dad would compare my relationship with my dog to his relationship with his wife. They are two completely different things. The Church wants us to not be human. Sexuality is a part of humanity as is loving another person. According to the Church we are forced to be aliens, sub human to the rest of the world, living alone and just going through life never experiencing love in a relationship or loving someone so much that a person would give their whole body to them. I will not be treated less than by anyone. This was not the way it was intended nor the way it should be. Some churches even ban gay people because they are gay. Gay people are sick and we do not want any part of it. I did not choose my sexuality so why are you trying to hurt me because of it?

I wish people would be able to see me, all of me, for who I am. Yes, I am a Christian. Many Christians will say Jesus is the answer. I have found Him and have a personal relationship with Him. What I struggle with is the oppression of a group of people because they are different. That I am seen as less than because of who I was created to be. God loves and sees everyone equally. Why do not Christians and people today? Stop fearing gay people. We do not want to hurt anyone. We just want to be treated like everyone else.

I just want to be able to be happy and be able to have that right. To be treated like everyone else. To be able to have a relationship that I am able to enjoy, to love and be loved in return. Being gay is not all about the sex. Being gay is about loving someone with all your heart and no matter what or how people may treat you for who you are you love them unconditionally.

I hope that people would see me as the gay man that I am. I am open and honest about my life because I want people to take their blinders off and see that maybe they do not know everything there is about sexuality. Sexuality is a complex topic and no one has it all figured out. I do not know everything but do not be a person that thinks they know everything and then pushes their views on everyone else. It is not doing one bit of good. It is only causing great tension.

See me for who I am.

-Josh


Family Wedding

I had the wonderful opportunity of going to a family wedding yesterday. One of my mom’s aunt’s daughters was getting married. I have no clue what her relation would be to me but my family went to be supportive. The wedding itself was beautiful and simple. It was the first wedding of my adult life. As a kid, I had been to other weddings but I was so little I could not remember them.

As I watched the ceremony unfold, I listened closely to everything that was going on. I saw no reason why two men could not take each other in marriage; to announce to the world that they would be faithful to one another under God for the rest of their lives. It is truly something to be honored and praised. There was a female reverend and to see that was to see progress within the Church. Women also have been suppressed within the Church, not allowed to teach and be in leadership. Positive change is happening.

I thought about my own wedding and marriage. The fact that my parents hinder me from having something so beautiful and sacred. None of my extended family knows that I am gay as my parents do not want to deal with all the drama that goes along with that. Whenever my grandparents on my mom’s side are over, my parents are always around. I think my grandparents have a negative view of gay people simply because they do not know any of them specifically, unbeknownst to them that they do.

Honestly, I think that if I was married it would be the first gay marriage in my family. That is a blessing but also a huge responsibility. I do not want to loose family members over it though I was never really close to them to begin with. My mom’s side is not very religious at all and I would love to be a witness in what God is doing in my life as a gay Christian.

My dad’s side of the family we no longer talk to as they were giving information to my dad’s stepfather that they did not want given to him. That was the Christian side of the family. It is hard as well because my dad’s mother has cancer and since we are cut off from that side of the family, we have no idea how she is doing. Her sister thought it only right for her son to know when the rest of the family knew.

I never want the be one in the family that people think is too good for everyone else. I want to be a part of the family, even if I am gay. Sure, it will be awkward for some but I hope that we can learn from these experiences and grow closer to being a happy, loving family.

For now, I continue to grow deeper with God in my relationship with Him and bettering myself. God will bring the right men into my life at the right time. Marriage will come at the right time in my life. Just because I now have marriage on my mind does not mean I am ready for it. I need to know for myself that the man I am marrying is everything he should be and that I truly am ready to start the journey of a lifetime.

-Josh


How He Loves

Like any gay man, I struggled with my sexuality in middle school and high school. I did not really have anyone to talk to. It was just me dealing with this huge stress in my life. Since there was no one  else I felt I could go to, I would go to God. I would cry out to God tears streaming down my face, telling Him how I felt and hurt. He was always there for me. There was a reason God wanted to to go through that, what I would call, terrible time in my life. Having gone through it now, I am a stronger man and my relationship with God is stronger as well. God has a purpose and calling for my life. He wants me to cry out to Him when I am in need. He wants to bless me as a father his child.

Many gay men do not have good relationships with their fathers. Mine is no different. The wonderful thing though is what my dad lacks to provide me, God greatly provides everything I need. No matter how bad my dad has screwed up, I know I have a loving father figure in God who will never leave me and always love me unconditionally. I do not need to pretend to be someone else to be accepted. I come to God will all my baggage and give it to Him. We do not need to be perfect to come to God and for Him to love us.

To all gay men that read this and our struggling in one way or another with their sexuality, I would like to say “I love you buddy. We’re going to make it.” There is hope for a better future. There is always hope in God. I hope and pray that my readers would be able to see how much God loves them.

This video always makes me cry every time I watch it because I have lived it. I hope that this video encourages and reveals more of who God is.

God Bless,

Josh