Tag Archives: homosexual

A New Tradition

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Brendon and I have decided to start a new tradition for us. Our local Lemonberry is open for an hour after I get off work so we will head over there every Friday night to celebrate another week successfully completed and enjoy some frozen yogurt. Last week I got Raspberry and White Chocolate Mousse. Yum! The store also just so happens to be on the town square where there is a beautiful Gazebo and places to sit in the center of town. After that we will go back to his parents’ house and sleep over together.

We are both missing each other but this time and opportunity only grows us closer together. I continue to pay off my college loan. A crutch though may be some medical bills that I have recently acquired. Two bills both around $500. This could add another month onto waiting to get a place together but I have been getting overtime and hopefully that will buffer it.

The one bill was simply put on my bed; having been addressed to my father and had been opened. I guess he wants me to pay it but yet does not communicate or even talk to me about it.

We are both looking forward to celebrating the Fourth of July, my birthday, and our trip to Kennywood.  

God Bless,

Josh


Bye Bella!

Jack Russel

I just wanted to write this post for closure. Last night Brendon and I hung out. As always, he let his dogs out to do their business before they would be in for the night. Rascal always goes out first. No problems there. When Bella went out, she got loose and came unhooked from the lead. This is the third time it has happened. Brendon looked around the house for her but could not find her. With not that much gas in his car, he did not want to go looking for her when it could take hours and still not find her. Neither of us wanted her to freeze but there was not anything really we could do. She did not have any tags on her because Brendon has been juggling around money since he moved and there just wasn’t any at the time for that. It is bittersweet as she was a big stress in Brendon’s life. It does not really make sense that she ran away either. I personally think she was abused before Brendon got her in order to have puppies. She was so skittish and shy. She would back up when you were trying to take the lead off of her. Whenever she was out, she would always pace. She would make a pattern and go from one end of it to the other over and over and over.

On the positive side, Brendon got back half of his security deposit from his previous place. Now money won’t be as tight.

Being with Brendon, as I have told him before, has shown me the world and what life is really like. It is opened my eyes to reality; both the good and the bad.

Brendon also had to take his mother to the ER. She is having problems with her hip and now has to use a walker. There never seems to seise to be things going on within his family. Ethan is in and out of the hospital and that is hard on everyone. One of his sisters is pregnant again. It is just a lot. I am so proud of him for what he deals with and goes through. It is not easy but he is a fighter and he gets through.

Last night he was just so tired so we fell asleep in each other’s arms before I had to go home. It was so cute and so precious.

-Josh


Opening the Door

On Wednesday, Brendon texted me while I was on break at work:

“I think about you a lot. What do I need to do for your door to be open?”

Honestly, I was surprised but I let him know that Sarah got in the way of us and also my parent’s views on my sexuality. My mom is still in the process of responding to me when it comes to me having a boyfriend or marrying another man. He then responded with:

“Okay. I’m going to talk to her today. It is not going to work out.”

I texted him when I got off of work and we talked on the phone. He ended his relationship with her. All Sarah wanted to do was change him and Brendon did not want to feel like a puppet anymore. He disliked that she showed no emotion in their break up and even knew that it was coming. She told him that she is not going to the Bible Study they both attended because she does not like it. That made her look like a hypocrite in his eyes. She was still willing to go out and celebrate Brendon getting hired in at the place where we both work. Brendon does not even want to do that. He is done being manipulated.

He did not tell her about us but maybe she suspected it. She deserves the truth but Brendon said there was already enough reason to break up with her that he did not need that “final blow”. He really tried to be nice about everything. In the beginning, he had feelings for her but the more she controlled him the more they grew apart. It is Brendon’s call if he wanted to tell her or not. I have always been and always will be a person of honesty and integrity but it is not my place to say anything and make this even worse for Brendon. The break up is the best for all of us.

No matter what Brendon would do, Sarah would always want something more. The break up was the escape from a emotional prison. Being a Christian, she wanted to do what was best for him in her eyes but she refused to learn and understand his life and situation. I think she refused to believe he was bisexual. He has a hard life. He is in debt over his head and trying to pay that all off, his family is very dramatic, he works four different jobs, and his brother is dying of AIDS. He does not need another person to come into his life and cause more drama. I want to wipe away all the pain and hurt he feels. The difference between Sarah and I is I will work with Brendon instead of against him. I think Sarah meant well and was on the right track in trying to help him but the way she went about things was not what Brendon needed.

I do not look down on Sarah for who she is or what she did to Brendon in this short period of time. She is a person just like everyone else who was trying to do her best but it just was not enough. What Brendon told me about her will not fog my view of her. He just has different experiences with her than I do. I will not deny what she did to Brendon but she is not a completely bad person. What saddens me the most is I felt that I fought for Sarah more than he even did. He probably would have cheated on Sarah with me if I had not put my foot down and said that was not going to happen. I was not going to let him cheat for her sake and I was not going to be the person he cheated with. He has enough drama in his life, he does not need even more. Sure, this was a messy situation but I think it was handled the best way it could have been handled.

Brendon and I are continuing to keep in contact and hopefully a relationship will be coming up in our future. I still have doubts and insecurities about us  and I keep those in mind but I am going to give Brendon a fair chance. Deep down I believe that Brendon is a good man that has not always chosen the right choices in life and right now he is paying for those choices. Hopefully I can be there to help him navigate through life easier and share something special between the two of us. Hopefully he will not be lonely for much longer.

-Josh

(Photo Courtesy of Welcome to the New Age via Tumblr)


Surprise!

Since Brendon and I usual hang out only once a week, he offered to take me home after work on Monday. He goes to a Bible Study near work so it would not be a problem for him. On Sunday, he was wrestling with his Sarah vs. me situation. I was planning on talking to him about her and seeing what I could do to help.

When work ended, I looked all over the parking lot. He was not there so I texted him. I got a response back that he would be there in eight minutes. It was a bit chilly out. I had my coat in my hand but I did not put it on. I did not want to wait inside for him. By this time, everyone else had left so I just stood there in the middle of the parking lot waiting for him.

He arrives right when he said he would.   I realize when he pulls in that he has someone with him. He parked the car and both Brendon and this other person get out of the car. Brendon introduces me and this other person. It turns out to be Sarah, the girl he is in a relationship with. Brendon had parked right next to her car so she would not have to walk. They exchanged words and a hug all the while I was shocked and did not know what to do. This was the Sarah he had been talking about all this time. I did not really see what she looked like because she always had her back turned to me. I began to judge her as a person. I was jealous of their hug and how cute he was acting towards her. She gets in her car and Brendon  invites me into his and when we get in he starts asking me what I thought. I still do not know at that point. I had a completely different picture in my mind of what would happen than what actually happened. Brendon did not warn me about any of this.

We did not have the best drive to my house. It is only a minute or two from work. I was still shocked. When we had hung out and made dinner on Saturday, he had told me to not be discouraged when it came to us but then I was hurt by what he was doing with Sarah. I felt cheated on.

I texted him and asked if I could call him when he got home. He lives a half hour from my house so it gave me time to think things through. We talked and I told him how I felt. I brought up the point that I wondered if he would be faithful to me after what I have seen him do with Sarah. He told me not to worry about it. His love for me is different than it was for Sarah.

He told me that Sarah and Sarah’s mom had called him conceited and all about himself. He did not know why and called Sarah selfish as well. They just were not working out. I forgave him for all of that and we ended our phone call.

-Josh


Complicated Relationship

As we planned, yesterday Brendon and I spent most of the day together. In going to the store to get what we needed to make dinner, we bumped into Brendon’s older sister Mya. It was nice to meet her. Brendon may be moving and she would be his roommate. He is actually moving closer to me because the majority of his jobs that he currently has are closer to me than where he currently lives. It is all up in the air right now. He may move, he may not.

Our time did not start out as well as it could. He was 15 minutes early to pick me up. I had just gotten out of the shower and had not even put a shirt on yet. When I realized he was was there, I started rushing. My mom asked me if I wanted to invite him in. That was the last thing I wanted to do. I did not have time to shave like I wanted to so we talked about that in the car on the way to his place. We also talked a lot about Sarah. It just became very depressing for me. I had waited all week for a time that we could just hang out and have fun but it was just so serious and sad.

He opened up to me and told me that the reason he started a relationship with Sarah again was because when we had coffee he got the impression that I just wanted to be friends. It took him a while but then he also said that he has been wanting to kiss me ever since he saw me. I would not cuddle with him or let him kiss me because of his relationship with Sarah. He started the relationship with Sarah because he does not want to be lonely. He loves me but Sarah is in the way. He even said that if it did not work the first time, why would it work the second. At this point, Sarah does not know about me at all. Brendon asked Sarah what she thought about bisexuals and she said she would love them but did not agree with their ways. She then dropped the subject saying that there was a reason why Brendon was bringing it up but that they would talk about it later. Sarah has never brought it up again. She is a very strict Christian and has been forcing Brendon to change who he is to fit her personal views of what a Christian looks like. Brendon does not want to change for anyone else.

Brendon and Sarah had planned to go for a walk at the park today. I think he is going to tell her about us and break up with her. He told me that he hates disappointing people but it is also hindering him from what he wants and from being happy. I texted him and told him I would be praying for him.

I honestly do not know if he is right for me. He has a past that I have to deal with: drugs, sex, and alcohol abuse. I see him making progress to change and be a better person. It does get on my nerves that he always asks me what I am thinking or how I am doing but I know it is only because he cares. He can be a little crass at times too.

Since I have decided to respect my parents while under their roof, I will not have a relationship with any guy. I think things could change with my parents. My mom has told me that she has been working on an answer to an e-mail I sent her about going forward with my sexuality. It has taken her time to look up different verses. This comment made me loose hope but she knows that I do like Brendon as a friend and as more than a friend. She has not hindered me from seeing him.

I ask myself if I should try a relationship with Brendon. I know right now he loves me more than I love him. At the same time I do not want love to blind me and be unrealistic about a relationship with him. Is it wrong of me to start a relationship when, from the beginning, I see that it could all fall apart?

It does not help that Brendon’s brother is dying of AIDS. He told me already that he will not ever be the same when his brother passes and will not be at work when it happens because he will not be able to handle it. I honestly do not know if I will be a strong enough partner for him in this situation. I know it has the potential to grow our relationship and make it stronger. I know though I would not know what to do. It is even more sad that his brother was given the virus on purpose by another man. It is not fair that Ethan has AIDS. I know that God has made our paths cross for a reason and I can see that Brendon will need me by his side. Is it good for me to be his friend or better to be his boyfriend?

I am definitely going to pray about this situation as it is the toughest situation I have dealt with. I see that there are gay men in their 40’s and 50’s that have not found a husband though they want one badly. Should I take the risk and try it out? Will I get another chance at love?

One thing I am wrestling with is sex between two men. Is this morally okay for me to participate in? I see the gay community having sex with whoever they want; one or many partners at a time. Can one man contract HIV from monogamous gay sex? I would rather give up sex so that both of us could grow old together than to enjoy that pleasure in life and one of us potentially die of AIDS. As a couple, I care about my sexual health and his sexual health.

I am just tied in a knot of emotions right now. There are many factors going into the decision if I could say yes or no to a relationship with Brendon. I stand at the crossroads. Which way do I take?

-Josh

(Photo Courtesy of Welcome to the New Age via Tumblr)


Blessings

The inspiration for my last post came from a place of being alone; of loneliness and honesty. I just wanted to get all my feelings out so that they would not be able to build pressure within me. At the beginning of the day I was at a low point but things got better from there.

Ever since I started working again at the candle factory I am currently working in, I have had my eye on this one guy. He worked on another machine and even worked another shift. I would watch him from my machine as I was working before he would leave. Under the circumstances, I tossed getting to know him out of my mind. It just was not going to work out. One day, he came over to help in my department for the last 30 minutes of his shift. He introduced himself. Brendon is his name. I was nervous because I had never thought that I would ever be working with him. It was not long before he had to leave but he made his impression. I still wanted to get to know him more. The next time he came over to help, I was swamped trying to get supplies and show other coworkers what to do when he comes over. He actually surprised me in coming over. Our eyes just connected and I smiled at him for a couple seconds. I cannot give what I felt the justice of words. I love his eyes because there is so much to them. They are so loving, warm, and inviting. He had another 30 minutes before he had to leave. I showed him what to do and in the process noticed that he had on a Christian camp t-shirt with a verse on the back. He was gay and he was a Christian. What are the odds of that? I did not even think that was possible to find another gay Christian in my small town. This week, he asked for overtime and was allowed to work a maximum of 15 hours overtime on top of all of the factory workers working an 8 hour Saturday. So Monday he came over to my department and worked 3 hours. It was a good time to get to know him and throughout that whole time I was just smiling. He has a genuine, care free personality that I like about him. Being around him makes me remember to relax and enjoy life when at times I can be too goal focused and too stressed out.

So I posted my previous post on Wednesday and as I was working I felt that something positive was going to happen with Brendon and I. God was telling me that something was. (I will never forget the time God told me to be ready for when a friend I knew online had pre-marital sex with his girlfriend and he texted me freaking out about it. I thought it was an absurd thought that I had just had but it actually became real. It shows me I need to always be listening to what God is telling me.) Brendon was about to leave and I wanted to talk to him about something work related –  something was not in the right place it should of been that he had been previously working on. I debated if I should come up to him or not as he was talking to my supervisor. I wrestled with myself and ultimately walked up to him and said something. After we worked that out, he very casually gave me a piece of paper and told me to let him know if I wanted to hang out. He had given me his number. Never in my life has another guy given me their number. I know I have somewhat of a very sheltered life because of my parents but it was a big deal. I thought about him and what had happened all throughout my shift and texted him after I got off. We are meeting for coffee tomorrow and we are both really looking forward to it. It has been since December since I have had another gay guy in my real life that I am able to talk to. I would really like us to be friends and if things work out, maybe more. I am just taking it one step at a time and not letting my emotions get too in the way of everything else.

The funny thing is though when I found out Brendon’s name I tried to find him on Facebook through mutual coworkers. I honestly did not think I would find him as I only had his first name and little information. I actually found him and that is what confirmed he was indeed gay and a Christian. I debated for a while on whether or not to send him a message with my number because I never knew when we would be working together again. I actually sent him a message with my number 8 days before he gave me his. He is not on Facebook much with all the time he works and his dog just had puppies but to my knowledge he did not see the message before he gave me his number. I reached out to him first but I am glad that it happened the way it did because it made me me feel loved and that I was special.

One problem I face is I cannot say I am fully attracted to him. I am attracted to parts of him but not all of him. Is this weird or have other gay guys experienced this? Hopefully with time I will be able to be fully attracted to him. I think God is protecting me as I do live with my parents and I have chosen to honor them by not being in a relationship while I am living under their roof.

I am blessed to have Brendon in my life. I thank God for him. Hopefully we can be good friends and he is able to understand the deepest parts of me. I am excited to get to know him better.

-Josh

(Photo courtesy of Welcome to the New Age via Tumblr)


Book Discussion: Choosing October Book

It is that time again to choose a new book for a new month.

Here are my suggestions for the October Book Discussion. Feel free to add any suggestions as well.

  • The Land of Stories: The Wishing Spell by Chris Colfer – Colfer took the time out of his busy schedule to write a fairy tale story. I admire his work as Kurt on Glee. Being gay himself,  I want to support another gay man in his hard work and effort that he put into this book.
  • The God Box by Alex Sanchez – This was a possible option for September but wanted to bring it back again. It is a story but two young boy who fall in love and wrestle with their faith and sexuality.
  • Love is an Orientation: Elevating the Conversation with the Gay Community by Andrew Marin – I had the privilege to hearing him speak at my college. He has started the Marin Foundation that builds bridges between the gay community to the rest of the world. He and his foundation are most well known for making signs stating they are sorry for how Christians act towards the gay community and have given out hugs to the gay men that walk past during pride parades.

As well, feel free to let me know what types of books interest the readers of these discussions. I would like to always have books that the readers enjoy and are interested in. Thanks!

Have a great day!

-Josh