In spending time together yesterday, Brendon brought up the next phase of our relationship. With much stress in his life now, he has decided to move back home to become more financially stable. His current move has only put him deeper in debt and stressed him out more than ever. I can see and understand the decision. More than anything; I support him as I know it is hard to do but it will be best for our future. He sees it as an opportunity to help out his family and himself at the same time. His mom could use the help and he wants to be there for Ethan as he continues his journey with AIDS. When it comes to time together, it will force us to go out and do something: go to the park, out to eat, or to the movies. Mostly we have just lounged around on the weekends because we are both tired from the stressful work week. I think it will help us deepen and strengthen our relationship even more. There is also the option of going back to his parents house to watch a movie and cuddle.
It can be difficult going over to his parent’s house because of his step-dad Tony. None of Brendon’s friends and family really care for Tony and I do not really either but I make the best of it. I remind myself that I need to love him as I would anyone else though he can be a challenge to get along with. In time it is also a possibility that he could hang out at my parent’s house.
Since Brendon’s family was not really planning anything for Easter, my mom invited him over to share a meal with us and hang out. My mom has meet him in passing but this is the first time my family will meet him. My mom’s parents will also be joining us for Easter. They have no clue I am gay. Both Brendon and I are nervous about it but it should be easier than dinner with his family. Though each of our families have their little quirks, we can always work with the one that is easier to deal with. I am interested to see how my brother reacts to us as he is anti-gay marriage and anti-gay in general. It sounds like a recipe for disaster but I am hoping for the best. Hopefully everyone will have control and posse to not make this family dinner more awkward than it needs to be.
(Colby J. Melvin & Brandon Brown Photo Courtesy of Facebook)
Brendon and I were able to hang out for a while after I got off work on Monday. Ever since he has brought up wanting to move closer to his jobs, I have wondered if it would be a good idea for us to be roommates. He was going to move to a place right by my parent’s house with his sister but his sister was denied because they could not get in contact with her references. Brendon did not really want to live with his sister any way. His lease is up at the end of the year for the place that he is living at now. He is thinking of signing a three month lease so we could figure out if we would want to move in together once three months is up. Brendon is not letting his roommate (Ryan) sign the lease because Brendon has had problems with him not paying his part of the rent and has stolen things of Brendon’s before though he is never really there at the apartment. Personally, I do not want Brendon to be living alone because that means him working more. He already works a ton and has a large amount of debt so I do not want more stress on him to do that. Where he currently lives, it is a half hour drive to work and to see me. Saving on gas alone would be a big help.
I was talking about it to one of my coworkers yesterday and ultimately she told me to go for it. Sometimes we just have to take risks in our lives. I would definitely have boundaries if we live together. We would not be having sex and we would have an understanding of using the bathroom and showering. I think it could honestly be something that we both could be happy with.
In talking with him, I brought up again in a different way that I am not always attracted to him when I see him and how torn up I get about that. I do not have control over who I am attracted to. I just do not want to hurt him because I know he loves me more than I love him. He comforted me and said to not stress; just take it one day at a time. Every time we hang out I see us as good friend but then he looks at me with love in his eyes and I melt with love back. The last two times we have hung out, we have held hands. I was the one who first started it because I just wanted to do that. It feels good to have someone there for you. I just hope none of this goes wrong. If I had my way, I wish I was more attracted to him so there was not that potential that I would break his heart. Us has always been complicated. We are in between friends and being in a relationship. There should be a word, a label, for that. We introduce each other as friends though there is something deeper under the surface.
I am still waiting to hear back from my mom on where my parents stand on me having a boyfriend/getting married. When they find out that I might be moving in with Brendon, I do not think they will like the idea but at the same time they do not know me, the son that they have raised. They do not know the morality that I have alongside my sexuality. I am not the typical gay guy. I know that statistically people do not stay together that live together. Having boundaries will help us not fall into the trap that happens to other relationships. They have everything that they would have in married life yet they are not married so they see no reason to be married. It is just another complicated situation that has no word, no label, for it.
I am still thinking about all of this and hopefully I will pick the best decision for me.
(Photo Courtesy of Welcome to the New Age via Tumblr)