In spending time together yesterday, Brendon brought up the next phase of our relationship. With much stress in his life now, he has decided to move back home to become more financially stable. His current move has only put him deeper in debt and stressed him out more than ever. I can see and understand the decision. More than anything; I support him as I know it is hard to do but it will be best for our future. He sees it as an opportunity to help out his family and himself at the same time. His mom could use the help and he wants to be there for Ethan as he continues his journey with AIDS. When it comes to time together, it will force us to go out and do something: go to the park, out to eat, or to the movies. Mostly we have just lounged around on the weekends because we are both tired from the stressful work week. I think it will help us deepen and strengthen our relationship even more. There is also the option of going back to his parents house to watch a movie and cuddle.
It can be difficult going over to his parent’s house because of his step-dad Tony. None of Brendon’s friends and family really care for Tony and I do not really either but I make the best of it. I remind myself that I need to love him as I would anyone else though he can be a challenge to get along with. In time it is also a possibility that he could hang out at my parent’s house.
Since Brendon’s family was not really planning anything for Easter, my mom invited him over to share a meal with us and hang out. My mom has meet him in passing but this is the first time my family will meet him. My mom’s parents will also be joining us for Easter. They have no clue I am gay. Both Brendon and I are nervous about it but it should be easier than dinner with his family. Though each of our families have their little quirks, we can always work with the one that is easier to deal with. I am interested to see how my brother reacts to us as he is anti-gay marriage and anti-gay in general. It sounds like a recipe for disaster but I am hoping for the best. Hopefully everyone will have control and posse to not make this family dinner more awkward than it needs to be.
(Colby J. Melvin & Brandon Brown Photo Courtesy of Facebook)
Brendon surprised me with a ring yesterday! Not a wedding ring, but a promise ring that he would love me and to do what it takes in our relationship together. I had always wanted a ring since we were both playing with his one day I was over. He has a ring with The Lord’s Prayer engraved all around it. When he bought it, he knew it was meant to be as he put it on and it fit perfectly. He wanted to get me a ring very badly so he tried to hurry up and get it before I came over. Where he went there was not much selection so the ring that he go me does not fit as well as it should. (His fingers are bigger than mine.) It is a little loose. We are thinking that I am probably a 7 or 8 but I have never been officially sized. Not to worry, he had a back-up plan. He gave me a chain to wear the ring “close to my heart” as he put it. I would love to have a ring on my finger but I know I will soon. I really appreciate that he did this for me because it makes me feel so special.
As we were talking he told me that he thought about proposing to me but felt like it was too soon. I think this year of being apart will only make us stronger. 2014 will be our year as we move in together and get married. I look forward to the day with anticipation when we pick out our wedding bands together. Marriage has been a topic that has not been shied away from yet there is nothing set as something we have to do. On one hand I feel the weight of responsibility on my shoulders to have a wedding with both of our families there. To stand and make a statement that I love another man and that all people should be able to marry the person they love. At the same time, I would not want to have to deal with the drama of having a family wedding. Running off and getting married sounds great. Brendon even mentioned just inviting a couple friends. I do not want to shy away from my responsibility as a gay man or have people in my family think I think I am better than them because I never talk to or see them. It is my one day to feel loved and special. I will only get this once in my lifetime. It is a big deal to me and I would like if it could go as smoothly as possible. In talking, Brendon brought up that he thought about having our wedding under the stars. At first, it totally was not what I had thought but the more I think about it the more romantic it sounds so that option is also on the table.
The big thing that stands in my way is my parents. They know nothing about Brendon and I – our relationship together. Both of them have been open to talking about him. I am glad to see that. My mom said in talking to me once that she wonders where Brendon and I are – what our status is. I just want a good time alone with her to talk about it. There is also some fear in what she might say as I honestly do not know if they will support me marrying Brendon. I would really appreciate thoughts and prayers as I go through with this. It is one thing coming out, it is another to be honest about the rest of it. I wish it could be easier; that they accepted me more so I would not have to fear coming to them saying I found someone I want to live the rest of my life with. I can only be realistic and hope for the best. Great love cannot be separated. I care about my family and want to be a part of their lives but Brendon makes me happy and at peace. He lets me unwind and love life for what its worth. Hard decisions may be coming up for me down the road but that is life. All I can do is choose the best one and move on.
(Photo Courtesy of Pablo Needs Amused via Tumblr)
Brendon and I officially became boyfriends yesterday, 12/24/12. I planned for us to go to Earth Fare to show him around, get lunch, and buy our becoming official present. As soon as we saw each other, Brendon let me know that his brother Ethan was in the hospital again. (For those of you who do not know Ethan has AIDS which he received from having sex with a guy that gave it to him on purpose.) He wanted our time to be special and to forget about the hard parts of his life. Usually he would be there for Ethan in the hospital but he let him know what was going on and he planned on going to see him later in the day.
We ate lunch at the store. The store sells a line of candles that my company and I specifically help make. I have vowed never to buy any candle from my company so that I will not add to the corruption that is going on all throughout it. There was a candle from another company that I really liked ever since I saw it. Not bad in price and it was Macintosh Apple. It smells better than the company’s Apple Harvest that I help make. It even had personal significance to me. Brendon burns the free candles he gets from work all the time in his apartment so I knew he would enjoy it. Growing up, my favorite color was red and it had a red box. I really wanted to get a candle because that is where we first meet (at work) and in lighting our candle it symbolizes the start of our relationship and journey together. We kissed too after I gave it to him. When we got back to his apartment, we lit the candle and he loved how wonderful it looks in his centerpiece on his dinning room table.
This Christmas is different for me in many ways. I do not feel joyful. The Candlelight Service my family attended tonight was wonderful as always with the usual Christmas songs, Christmas story, and lighting candles. My candle reminded me of mine and Brendon’s candle. It reminded me that Jesus is the light of the world and that together Brendon and I can bring hope to others. That because we are together we are stronger. I want to be a light and make a difference in the world. Hopefully my up and coming company will be that avenue to achieve my goal. It is just not the same knowing that Brendon is not having as joyous of a Christmas as he could have. My heart goes out to both Brendon and Ethan. Ethan will be in the hospital for Christmas so Brendon will be there with him. No matter what I would feel for Brendon and Ethan but it just seems a bigger deal to me now that I am Brendon’s boyfriend. I am his other half. Now I am signed up to go through the loss of Ethan to Brendon and his whole family. Brendon asked me if I wanted to go with him to the hospital and I said not right now. I have meet Ethan once but do not want to see him like that. In the future, I know I will need to go and support Brendon. It is something I should do. Today was special because we both knew we were becoming official and it was last minute. I have not even meet any of his family other than Ethan and I would feel put on the spot. I would like to take it slow.
Where things are is Brendon can and has told people he knows that we are official. My parents do not know. I would rather have them meet Brendon and take things slow. It is hard to be closeted to a degree but I will deal with it. I do talk to my mom about Brendon about things that are going on with him and life in general. I hope they come around. The only thing I can really do now is keep communication open and hope for the best.
I still have doubts but I am taking one brick off the wall at a time. If we never take risks in life, we will never get anywhere and life will fail to be anything worth living. Being with Brendon is a risk I am willing to take. I want to be there with him and be all that I can be, give all I can give. This is a new chapter of my life and one I pursue with determination and strength. I am not afraid of the problems we face together knowing that God is with us and there is nothing to worry about. Things will be okay no matter what we face.
(Photo Courtesy of Pablo Needs Amused via Tumblr)
I decided that it was not the right time for Brendon and I to move in together. Sure, it would be wonderful but I am not financially stable enough to do that. With still paying off college loans, I would pay less still living with my parents. I told Brendon that I would have them payed out in a year and we will discuss it more when the time comes. One thing that we were both concerned about was if we were going too fast. Moving in would be too fast for both of us. December is the third month that we have been able to hang out since we have meet each other. The year will help us to further get to know each other before we take a big step together.
Brendon also asked me if I would want to go with him to Chicago to meet his best friend Seth in March. I am excited and nervous but more needs to be done with that before anything is official.
I love Brendon. Though he is not the hottest guy in the world, he is my man and that is what matters. I love him for who he is. I wish that he did not have to deal with all the drama that he deals with with his family and moving currently. Having the debt that he has stresses him out and it is hard to watch sometimes. I hope that one day neither of us will be worrying about money and paying bills. It is a wonderful feeling to know that I am loved unconditionally by Brendon. I do not feel I deserve it. Though I am not perfect, I am still loved.
Originally Brendon and I were not going to see each other this week because we were both working seven days a week. Not because we wanted to but because we were forced to. Some events occurred and it looks good that I will have tomorrow off. If I do, Brendon and I are going to hang out. We hung out after I got off of work Thursday and it was a good time. We cuddled in the back of his car and talked. I am doing better with those times. Usually I am so tired and drained that I just want to be mellow while Brendon gets all hyped up and laughable.
Brendon and I are doing well together and I am glad for that. We are going strong. He asked me about Christmas and what I wanted. I told him I did not really need anything but if he wanted to get something to go ahead. Personally, I do not feel obligated to get him something because I got him a set of pans and a heart shaped cutting board recently. I would be happy with just having each other for Christmas. I do have a plan that I am getting him something when we are officially boyfriends to start that part of our lives. He knows that I have something up my sleeve but does not know what yet.
(Photo Courtesy of Welcome to the New Age via Tumblr)
Yesterday Brendon and I hung out at his place. I was tired so we decided to take a nap. We were planning on having Brendon’s brother, Ethan, and his boyfriend Keith over for dinner and a movie later in the evening. We laid down together but I was more in the mood to talk than sleep. We talked and laying down made me more relaxed. Our faces pressed against one another. His dog, Rascal, was even laying down with us. He just always wants to be with us. Brendon brought up again that it was hard to not kiss me and we talked about it more. I was curious to know what kissing was like and to kiss another man. My curiosity got the best of me. I kissed him on the lips first. My lip virginity is now gone. To be honest, kissing is not all that I expected. It is romantic but it is also messy, sharing each other’s spit. I am disappointed in myself for going against a boundary I had placed in front of myself. I cannot do that again. At least it is not something that I would regret. I do not regret kissing Brendon because I love him and our love is only growing for each other. Having the uncertainty of when we would be officially together, I can understand why I did why I did but I cannot compromise again. I also cannot let Brendon compromise me and my boundaries. We are becoming comfortable with cuddling and touching each other; maybe too much. It would honestly be my biggest regret losing my sexual virginity before marriage. I will not do that and will not compromise on that.
Brendon and I tried to make my mom’s recipe for Swedish Meatballs but failed at making the sauce. It was an easy fix to modify it to spaghetti and meatballs as our dinner with Ethan and Keith. We all watched The Odd Life of Timothy Green and had ice cream floats for dessert. It was an off night for both of us. Brendon was disappointed that our sauce did not work out but we improvised well and everything was okay. We should not be afraid of failure. We tried something new and it did not work so we just will not do it that way again.
When Ethan and Keith left, Brendon and I watched Life After People. It is a show about human made structures and things and how they exist after people are done using them. I found it to be very interesting. We then cuddled and kissed some more. When it was time to go, he kissed me with tongue. I touched his tongue with mine. He told me that he did not enjoy kissing but loved kissing my lips.
It was an interesting day, good and bad. I realized that I would rather be touched and held than kissed. I did not feel that great because I was tired and maybe that is why some things went the way they did. We will see what happens in the future. I am curious and hesitant. My mind and body is crowded with emotions, too many to count. I do not understand all of them or why I feel them but I know they are there and I acknowledge their presence. I love Brendon but maybe kissing all the time just is not for me.
(Photo Courtesy of Welcome to the New Age via Tumblr)
Brendon and I had a wonderful time on Sunday. Currently he is injured from skating. He fell and his knee took a beating. Nothing serious but it will take some time to heal. He is managing well and doing the best he can. We ordered pizza, cuddled, and I brought over Glee to watch together. I wanted to share with him the Kurt and Blaine relationship. We got through the first four episodes. We cuddled a lot as well. I enjoyed it.
We both want to kiss each other on the lips but Brendon respects me for saving that for when we’re officially together and I just do not want to go through all of this too fast. This shows that he really loves me. He loves me enough that even though he has wanted to kiss me since the day he saw me, he anxiously waits for that day to come and does not try to force me to compromise. I greatly respect Brendon for that and it only makes us stronger.
He told me last night that his mom and sister asked him about me. They would like to meet me (even though we are not official). His mom is not happy about Brendon being bisexual but she just wants her son to be happy and I appreciate that. There might honestly be tension in the house over Brendon and I being together. I do not know why but Brendon’s step dad will not let Brendon live out the gay side of him. He has told Brendon that his brother, who is gay, is the left hand and Brendon is the right hand – meaning that Brendon is straight. I really hope that Brendon and his stepdad’s relationship can be reconciled eventually. Ultimately I am happy that Brendon’s family is willing to be there and support him no matter who he loves. I cannot say that about my family. I am still waiting for my mother’s email. It would be sad but I might honestly move out before it is ever sent. I told Brendon that it would be nice if our anniversary was Christmas. The more I thought about it; Christmas Eve sounds nice as well.
Brendon’s mom has been selling Mary Kay and Brendon has been helping her with it. It seems that she just does not have the drive to be professional or to make sure that everything is right for her customers. Brendon is thinking of what he wants to do with that in possibly selling it himself. It would help us have money to move into an apartment quicker. I would be more than willing to help if he started selling. Knowing me, I am really excited about it but do not want to take it over. It is Brendon’s idea so I will let him run with it the way he wants to. I think Brendon and I would work well together though it will definitely cause some conflict between us as any work situation does. We have not had any big disagreements or arguments so far in our time together. Hopefully when we come to those, we will be able to navigate through them well.
Overall, everything is going well. Things could be better but they also could be worse so I am definitely happy and thankful for where things are at right now.
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