Tag Archives: opinion

Labels

One day Brendon brought up that someone had made a negative comment to someone else because of their sexuality at work. I assumed that someone had said something about him. I wanted him to know that I was there for him and we let it go. It came up again only to find out that it was aimed at me. A good friend of Brendon’s that also works were we work asked who was running the machine and was answered with “Oh just a fag.” Brendon’s friend let Brendon know only for his friend to find out that I was Brendon’s boyfriend. His friend is very supportive but did not like the comment that was given. I was surprised to find out that the person who said it was the guy that I had talked to and wrote about in my post “Experience and Discussion”. In moving machines since starting where I work, I do work with this guy now fairly consistantly.

The first couple of days were hard for me as I knew there was a division between us. This is honestly the first time I have been called a fag since I came out. As I go back through the memories trying to recount all of this, it disheartens me. He did not have the guts to say it to my face but to backstab me for something I have no control over. As I thought about it more, he bullies me because he lacks confidence in himself. I possess something that he simply does not. I do not care about his opinions because they are simply that, opinions. He chooses to bully instead of trying to understand. Sexuality is a rough topic and with his brother also being gay I think he has a hard time wrestling with it.

Yesterday he actually made a comment to me. Our candles were pouring too hot; making them very soupy. He had took one of the candles out of the machine to check it.  He compared what the candles were looking like to cum and commented that I liked that. In response, “Who cares?” It is just another stab. Your label of “fag” will not stick to me. I accept myself and God who made me. My love is sincere and passionate. I have a wonderful boyfriend and we have a wonderful life together. I am not going to be pushed down by someone else who simply is not worth my time.

For right now, it is what it is. If it does get worse, I will let someone know. I will not let it get to being a “Code Black”. (At work, a code black is where someone calls that over that PA system that there is fighting or violence in the factory so people will know and break it up.)

It is the hardest for me because we are brothers in Christ. We are both Christians and yet he chooses to bully me. I will not respond with violence but that is why I am easy target. I will do my job and not hold a grudge but he is walking on a fine line to loosing his job if he does not stop what he is doing.

-Josh

Advertisements

First Kiss

Kiss

Yesterday Brendon and I hung out at his place. I was tired so we decided to take a nap. We were planning on having Brendon’s brother, Ethan, and his boyfriend Keith over for dinner and a movie later in the evening. We laid down together but I was more in the mood to talk than sleep. We talked and laying down made me more relaxed. Our faces pressed against one another. His dog, Rascal, was even laying down with us. He just always wants to be with us. Brendon brought up again that it was hard to not kiss me and we talked about it more. I was curious to know what kissing was like and to kiss another man. My curiosity got the best of me. I kissed him on the lips first. My lip virginity is now gone. To be honest, kissing is not all that I expected. It is romantic but it is also messy, sharing each other’s spit. I am disappointed in myself for going against a boundary I had placed in front of myself. I cannot do that again. At least it is not something that I would regret. I do not regret kissing Brendon because I love him and our love is only growing for each other. Having the uncertainty of when we would be officially together, I can understand why I did why I did but I cannot compromise again. I also cannot let Brendon compromise me and my boundaries. We are becoming comfortable with cuddling and touching each other; maybe too much. It would honestly be my biggest regret losing my sexual virginity before marriage. I will not do that and will not compromise on that.

Brendon and I tried to make my mom’s recipe for Swedish Meatballs but failed at making the sauce. It was an easy fix to modify it to spaghetti and meatballs as our dinner with Ethan and Keith. We all watched The Odd Life of Timothy Green and had ice cream floats for dessert. It was an off night for both of us. Brendon was disappointed that our sauce did not work out but we improvised well and everything was okay. We should not be afraid of failure. We tried something new and it did not work so we just will not do it that way again.

When Ethan and Keith left, Brendon and I watched Life After People. It is a show about human made structures and things and how they exist after people are done using them. I found it to be very interesting. We then cuddled and kissed some more. When it was time to go, he kissed me with tongue. I touched his tongue with mine. He told me that he did not enjoy kissing but loved kissing my lips.

It was an interesting day, good and bad. I realized that I would rather be touched and held than kissed. I did not feel that great because I was tired and maybe that is why some things went the way they did. We will see what happens in the future. I am curious and hesitant. My mind and body is crowded with emotions, too many to count. I do not understand all of them or why I feel them but I know they are there and I acknowledge their presence. I love Brendon but maybe kissing all the time just is not for me.

-Josh

(Photo Courtesy of Welcome to the New Age via Tumblr)


Pieces Starting To Come Together

Kiss

Brendon and I had a wonderful time on Sunday. Currently he is injured from skating. He fell and his knee took a beating. Nothing serious but it will take some time to heal. He is managing well and doing the best he can. We ordered pizza, cuddled, and I brought over Glee to watch together. I wanted to share with him the Kurt and Blaine relationship. We got through the first four episodes. We cuddled a lot as well. I enjoyed it.

We both want to kiss each other on the lips but Brendon respects me for saving that for when we’re officially together and I just do not want to go through all of this too fast. This shows that he really loves me. He loves me enough that even though he has wanted to kiss me since the day he saw me, he anxiously waits for that day to come and does not try to force me to compromise. I greatly respect Brendon for that and it only makes us stronger.

He told me last night that his mom and sister asked him about me. They would like to meet me (even though we are not official). His mom is not happy about Brendon being bisexual but she just wants her son to be happy and I appreciate that. There might honestly be tension in the house over Brendon and I being together. I do not know why but Brendon’s step dad will not let Brendon live out the gay side of him. He has told Brendon that his brother, who is gay, is the left hand and Brendon is the right hand – meaning that Brendon is straight. I really hope that Brendon and his stepdad’s relationship can be reconciled eventually. Ultimately I am happy that Brendon’s family is willing to be there and support him no matter who he loves. I cannot say that about my family. I am still waiting for my mother’s email. It would be sad but I might honestly move out before it is ever sent. I told Brendon that it would be nice if our anniversary was Christmas. The more I thought about it; Christmas Eve sounds nice as well.

Brendon’s mom has been selling Mary Kay and Brendon has been helping her with it. It seems that she just does not have the drive to be professional or to make sure that everything is right for her customers. Brendon is thinking of what he wants to do with that in possibly selling it himself. It would help us have money to move into an apartment quicker. I would be more than willing to help if he started selling.   Knowing me, I am really excited about it but do not want to take it over. It is Brendon’s idea so I will let him run with it the way he wants to. I think Brendon and I would work well together though it will definitely cause some conflict between us as any work situation does. We have not had any big disagreements or arguments so far in our time together. Hopefully when we come to those, we will be able to navigate through them well.

Overall, everything is going well. Things could be better but they also could be worse so I am definitely happy and thankful for where things are at right now.

-Josh

(Photo Courtesy of Welcome to the New Age via Tumblr)


Complicated Relationship

As we planned, yesterday Brendon and I spent most of the day together. In going to the store to get what we needed to make dinner, we bumped into Brendon’s older sister Mya. It was nice to meet her. Brendon may be moving and she would be his roommate. He is actually moving closer to me because the majority of his jobs that he currently has are closer to me than where he currently lives. It is all up in the air right now. He may move, he may not.

Our time did not start out as well as it could. He was 15 minutes early to pick me up. I had just gotten out of the shower and had not even put a shirt on yet. When I realized he was was there, I started rushing. My mom asked me if I wanted to invite him in. That was the last thing I wanted to do. I did not have time to shave like I wanted to so we talked about that in the car on the way to his place. We also talked a lot about Sarah. It just became very depressing for me. I had waited all week for a time that we could just hang out and have fun but it was just so serious and sad.

He opened up to me and told me that the reason he started a relationship with Sarah again was because when we had coffee he got the impression that I just wanted to be friends. It took him a while but then he also said that he has been wanting to kiss me ever since he saw me. I would not cuddle with him or let him kiss me because of his relationship with Sarah. He started the relationship with Sarah because he does not want to be lonely. He loves me but Sarah is in the way. He even said that if it did not work the first time, why would it work the second. At this point, Sarah does not know about me at all. Brendon asked Sarah what she thought about bisexuals and she said she would love them but did not agree with their ways. She then dropped the subject saying that there was a reason why Brendon was bringing it up but that they would talk about it later. Sarah has never brought it up again. She is a very strict Christian and has been forcing Brendon to change who he is to fit her personal views of what a Christian looks like. Brendon does not want to change for anyone else.

Brendon and Sarah had planned to go for a walk at the park today. I think he is going to tell her about us and break up with her. He told me that he hates disappointing people but it is also hindering him from what he wants and from being happy. I texted him and told him I would be praying for him.

I honestly do not know if he is right for me. He has a past that I have to deal with: drugs, sex, and alcohol abuse. I see him making progress to change and be a better person. It does get on my nerves that he always asks me what I am thinking or how I am doing but I know it is only because he cares. He can be a little crass at times too.

Since I have decided to respect my parents while under their roof, I will not have a relationship with any guy. I think things could change with my parents. My mom has told me that she has been working on an answer to an e-mail I sent her about going forward with my sexuality. It has taken her time to look up different verses. This comment made me loose hope but she knows that I do like Brendon as a friend and as more than a friend. She has not hindered me from seeing him.

I ask myself if I should try a relationship with Brendon. I know right now he loves me more than I love him. At the same time I do not want love to blind me and be unrealistic about a relationship with him. Is it wrong of me to start a relationship when, from the beginning, I see that it could all fall apart?

It does not help that Brendon’s brother is dying of AIDS. He told me already that he will not ever be the same when his brother passes and will not be at work when it happens because he will not be able to handle it. I honestly do not know if I will be a strong enough partner for him in this situation. I know it has the potential to grow our relationship and make it stronger. I know though I would not know what to do. It is even more sad that his brother was given the virus on purpose by another man. It is not fair that Ethan has AIDS. I know that God has made our paths cross for a reason and I can see that Brendon will need me by his side. Is it good for me to be his friend or better to be his boyfriend?

I am definitely going to pray about this situation as it is the toughest situation I have dealt with. I see that there are gay men in their 40’s and 50’s that have not found a husband though they want one badly. Should I take the risk and try it out? Will I get another chance at love?

One thing I am wrestling with is sex between two men. Is this morally okay for me to participate in? I see the gay community having sex with whoever they want; one or many partners at a time. Can one man contract HIV from monogamous gay sex? I would rather give up sex so that both of us could grow old together than to enjoy that pleasure in life and one of us potentially die of AIDS. As a couple, I care about my sexual health and his sexual health.

I am just tied in a knot of emotions right now. There are many factors going into the decision if I could say yes or no to a relationship with Brendon. I stand at the crossroads. Which way do I take?

-Josh

(Photo Courtesy of Welcome to the New Age via Tumblr)


Brian Brown and Marriage Equality

Recently, there was a political phone call from Brian Brown, president of National Organization for Marriage (NOM), on my family’s answering machine urging my parents and I not to vote for certain candidates because they support same sex marriage. As I heard the message, all I could hear from Brian Brown is that he is an angry man. This drove me to look up some of his interviews this year on YouTube. I see the same thing over and over. Letting gay people marry makes Brian Brown angry. We see that he definitely has a conviction to uphold marriage being between one man and one woman. It is a religious conviction. I do not say that he is angry to put a label on him but, in my perspective, he comes across as angry. In many of the interviews he has participated in, he interrupts the person on the opposing side and has no evidence to back up his position. All I see is a strong conviction with no evidence to uphold it so he comes across as an angry man fighting for what he believes in.

He brings up the position of if same sex marriage is legalized then children will be educated about gay people and that it is harmful for children. Already, there have been books that have been optional reading on a child having two moms or two dads. It is something that does come up in our world and something that children should be taught about. Eliminating even talk or teaching on this is trying to cover up that there are even gay people in the world. Not being educated on it will force children to react however they will when experience and reality collides. There are gay people in the world and there always will be gay people in the world whether a person likes it or not. Brian Brown is trying to make gay people invisible and this will only make problems worse. When it comes to health and talking about two men or two women having sex, make that part of class optional. It should be talked about but there should be an alternate assignment. Give students and parents the right to choose if they want to participate in that class discussion. I think it would benefit young gay people and their health if sex was talked about more so young gay people could be more educated on the topic.

My heart goes out to Brian Brown. I strive to never be a man that is controlled by my anger. I hope and pray that he would look deeply into himself and find out why he wants to hurt a minority of people and why he is so strongly for marriage between one man and one woman. I think there is something deeper within him that drives him to act a certain way. May he learn to work that out within himself.

Though I do not agree with Brian Brown or the National Organization for Marriage, I allow them to have a voice. Everyone in the United States is allowed and should have a say. There is a difference between saying something out of opinion and saying something to directly hurt someone or a group of people. Brian Brown supports the Family Research Council calling gay people pedophiles. The Family Research Council has been called a hate group because of such speech. It all comes down to a matter of who are gay people and what are they like. It calls for more people to be open and honest about their sexuality. Some gay people have committed sexual crimes against other people. There is a stigma with Catholic Priests that they will have sex with boys. When a gay person is told that there is not a place for them in the world, that their sexual orientation is a sin, they dedicate themselves to God for their own good and salvation. They try to change and be pure but see no results. I would not put all the blame on the gay priests because they have been trapped to a life of bondage within the church. The church has not let them deal with their sexuality so they fall and have sex with young boys out of sexual frustration and trying to understand. It is not always that they are bad people, they are oppressed and in great need of resources and help because of their sexual orientation. I am saddened when I hear of a gay man raping another. I have a friend who was molested by his leader from church. It is not that these are bad people but it is because they have all of this inner turmoil and it comes out in a negative way. It just continues to show me that I need to be there for the gay men that are hurting and wrestling with their sexuality.

I also found out that Support Freedom to Marry Ohio is planning to have same sex marriage on the ballot for Ohio in 2013. There are different ways to help out . I am honestly considering volunteering to be a part of this movement. It is definitely a step in the right direction and I would love to see marriage equality in my own home state.

I do not write this post to disrespect or downgrade Brian Brown and I honestly respect him as a man and person. He is a man who has drive and determination, good qualities for any man or woman to have. As humans, we are all fallible in one way or another. I am not a perfect man nor will I ever be. I make mistakes just like everyone else. I write this post to be honest about who I am as a man and my world around me. There are people who are uncomfortable with gay people marrying because it is different and there is much debate on it. I totally understand that but please do not write lies about people you do not know and do not like. Please take the time to sit down with a gay man or gay woman and honestly talk with them. Leave all of your preconceived thoughts and notions out of it and truly listen to them. See for yourself a face of the gay community. Let yourself be confronted with reality.

-Josh

(Image Courtesy of Welcome to the New Age via Tumblr)