Tag Archives: sexuality

Easter

tumblr_m2yudogWde1rsziamo1_500

Easter went better than either of us could have expected. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would have a husband in my parent’s house sitting down and eating a meal. My parents genuinely liked Brendon and Brendon liked them. Brendon is a handy man; loves to fix things. He was able to connect in a way with my dad that I never could. We had dinner and slipped away into the basement where we watched The Guardians, that my siblings had rented, wrapped up together in a blanket. A sweet happy time together. My grandparents did not ask anything about us being together. I do not know if my mom has talked about it with my grandma but I have never said anything about my sexuality to them. My parents had always not wanted me to talk about it. Now we are in a different phase than before. Brendon’s family did invite him to have dinner with them last minute. After finishing the movie, dessert, and going for a walk; he went over to spend time with his family.

My mom later commented that she loves Brendon and I and cannot help being a mom to him though she does not believe that our relationship is right. I can respect that. I am glad that she sees that we are together and I did not have to point it out.

(Photo Courtesy of Pablo Needs Amused via Tumblr)

 


Labels

One day Brendon brought up that someone had made a negative comment to someone else because of their sexuality at work. I assumed that someone had said something about him. I wanted him to know that I was there for him and we let it go. It came up again only to find out that it was aimed at me. A good friend of Brendon’s that also works were we work asked who was running the machine and was answered with “Oh just a fag.” Brendon’s friend let Brendon know only for his friend to find out that I was Brendon’s boyfriend. His friend is very supportive but did not like the comment that was given. I was surprised to find out that the person who said it was the guy that I had talked to and wrote about in my post “Experience and Discussion”. In moving machines since starting where I work, I do work with this guy now fairly consistantly.

The first couple of days were hard for me as I knew there was a division between us. This is honestly the first time I have been called a fag since I came out. As I go back through the memories trying to recount all of this, it disheartens me. He did not have the guts to say it to my face but to backstab me for something I have no control over. As I thought about it more, he bullies me because he lacks confidence in himself. I possess something that he simply does not. I do not care about his opinions because they are simply that, opinions. He chooses to bully instead of trying to understand. Sexuality is a rough topic and with his brother also being gay I think he has a hard time wrestling with it.

Yesterday he actually made a comment to me. Our candles were pouring too hot; making them very soupy. He had took one of the candles out of the machine to check it.  He compared what the candles were looking like to cum and commented that I liked that. In response, “Who cares?” It is just another stab. Your label of “fag” will not stick to me. I accept myself and God who made me. My love is sincere and passionate. I have a wonderful boyfriend and we have a wonderful life together. I am not going to be pushed down by someone else who simply is not worth my time.

For right now, it is what it is. If it does get worse, I will let someone know. I will not let it get to being a “Code Black”. (At work, a code black is where someone calls that over that PA system that there is fighting or violence in the factory so people will know and break it up.)

It is the hardest for me because we are brothers in Christ. We are both Christians and yet he chooses to bully me. I will not respond with violence but that is why I am easy target. I will do my job and not hold a grudge but he is walking on a fine line to loosing his job if he does not stop what he is doing.

-Josh


Where Do We Go Now?

Image

 

Brendon and I had the opportunity to spend the weekend together. We even had time to hang out with his brother Ethan and boyfriend Keith again and started packing things away to move. Last week Brendon was able to get a house in the town that I live in. He will not have to drive 30 minutes to see me or go to work. There are many benefits to the move. When he finishes paying the rest of the security deposit, he will be given the keys to move in. With the move, we will be able to hang out more. Usually if we do go out during the week, we go out to eat and just talk and hang out in his car after they close. Now we will be able to have a place to stay together.

We both realize that we are going fast in our relationship but that just is the pace we are going. I brought up marriage again since we both want to be intimate with one another. We believe we should be married before we have sex. As we thought about it, we could not find a concrete way to do things. In researching laws in Ohio, civil unions and same sex marriage are banned in the state. Only certain cities allow domestic partnerships and that is it. I think we also came to the conclusion that we do not want our families there though I feel obligated to stand up for LGBT people by having a wedding with my family there. Then again it is my day and I would not want it to be ruined though there may be hard feelings. There may be a vote on same sex marriages in Ohio this year but can we honestly wait that long? Will it even pass?

We could always just get wedding bands and just say we are married though we are not legally. I do not know what to do or what the right decision for us is yet. Our lives hold us back from getting married. With my college loan debt that I need to pay off and being accepted by the landlord to be allowed to live in Brendon’s apartment, life is telling us to wait yet we are ready for the next step.

I also wonder how to be pure sexually in all of this. We are ready to love each other on the deepest level possible. We are ready to commit our whole lives to each other. I do not have any other knowledge than the experiences that I live but when it is two guys we are both just revving to go sexually. I know most people will say it is fine to have sex with Brendon before marriage but I want to do what is right and I would like to have favor on our relationship together. 

It makes me sad to see what LGBT people have to go through in the state of Ohio. I honestly feel trapped and that I do not really have any options. What have others done in the past to overcome this obstacle? I do not blame gay people for having random sex when they honestly cannot be married or have to settle for something less than what they want. There is also moving to a state that would legally allow us to marry as an option. 

Right now we are just living day by day. I am going into work to pay off my college loans and be one step closer into being Brendon’s husband. If there is any advice to be given, I would appreciate it. I want to do what is best for Brendon and what is best for us.

God Bless,

Josh

Photo Courtesy of Be Yourself (Strawberries Are Blue) via Tumblr


Official

Laughable

Brendon and I officially became boyfriends yesterday, 12/24/12. I planned for us to go to Earth Fare to show him around, get lunch, and buy our becoming official present. As soon as we saw each other, Brendon let me know that his brother Ethan was in the hospital again. (For those of you who do not know Ethan has AIDS which he received from having sex with a guy that gave it to him on purpose.) He wanted our time to be special and to forget about the hard parts of his life. Usually he would be there for Ethan in the hospital but he let him know what was going on and he planned on going to see him later in the day.

We ate lunch at the store. The store sells a line of candles that my company and I specifically help make. I have vowed never to buy any candle from my company so that I will not add to the corruption that is going on all throughout it. There was a candle from another company that I really liked ever since I saw it. Not bad in price and it was Macintosh Apple. It smells better than the company’s Apple Harvest that I help make. It even had personal significance to me. Brendon burns the free candles he gets from work all the time in his apartment so I knew he would enjoy it. Growing up, my favorite color was red and it had a red box. I really wanted to get a candle because that is where we first meet (at work) and in lighting our candle it symbolizes the start of our relationship and journey together. We kissed too after I gave it to him. When we got back to his apartment, we lit the candle and he loved how wonderful it looks in his centerpiece on his dinning room table.

This Christmas is different for me in many ways. I do not feel joyful. The Candlelight Service my family attended tonight was wonderful as always with the usual Christmas songs, Christmas story, and lighting candles. My candle reminded me of mine and Brendon’s candle. It reminded me that Jesus is the light of the world and that together Brendon and I can bring hope to others. That because we are together we are stronger. I want to be a light and make a difference in the world. Hopefully my up and coming company will be that avenue to achieve my goal. It is just not the same knowing that Brendon is not having as joyous of a Christmas as he could have. My heart goes out to both Brendon and Ethan. Ethan will be in the hospital for Christmas so Brendon will be there with him. No matter what I would feel for Brendon and Ethan but it just seems a bigger deal to me now that I am Brendon’s boyfriend. I am his other half. Now I am signed up to go through the loss of Ethan to Brendon and his whole family. Brendon asked me if I wanted to go with him to the hospital and I said not right now. I have meet Ethan once but do not want to see him like that. In the future, I know I will need to go and support Brendon. It is something I should do. Today was special because we both knew we were becoming official and it was last minute. I have not even meet any of his family other than Ethan and I would feel put on the spot. I would like to take it slow.

Where things are is Brendon can and has told people he knows that we are official. My parents do not know. I would rather have them meet Brendon and take things slow. It is hard to be closeted to a degree but I will deal with it. I do talk to my mom about Brendon about things that are going on with him and life in general. I hope they come around. The only thing I can really do now is keep communication open and hope for the best.

I still have doubts but I am taking one brick off the wall at a time. If we never take risks in life, we will never get anywhere and life will fail to be anything worth living. Being with Brendon is a risk I am willing to take. I want to be there with him and be all that I can be, give all I can give. This is a new chapter of my life and one I pursue with determination and strength. I am not afraid of the problems we face together knowing that God is with us and there is nothing to worry about. Things will be okay no matter what we face.

-Josh

(Photo Courtesy of Pablo Needs Amused via Tumblr)


Experience and Discussion

Quote

I had the opportunity of talking with a coworker about gay people and the Bible. He happened to be working in my area as his machine was getting maintenance done on it and we got into talking. He was about the same age as I am. He talked about girls and if I had a girlfriend and I ignored it at first. He is the second youngest of nine kids and also a Christian.

The whole discussion started with him asking if I read the Bible. In going into the discussion, I felt very heard. He told me that he did not want to offend me and I told him I would not take it that way. He could not wrap his mind around the fact that I was not attracted to women. Though I do not have attractions for women, I can understand and respect men who do. He came out and told me that he had had premarital sex with his girlfriend. I was a sinner for being gay and he had sinned by having sex with his girlfriend before marriage. I think he was trying to build a bridge and say we were the same and I would agree with that. Everyone has sinned and falls short. During the conversation, he asked me if I knew what the Bible said. I told him I did and he repeated the question. I repeated my response. He brought up 1 Corinthians as condemning homosexuality. He did not remember what it said but remembered that, in his opinion, it condemns homosexuality (as we know it today). The discussion definitely sparked him to look deeper into the topic and that is why I fought so hard within me to bring it up. I needed to be real about myself and to share my experiences with a fellow Christian. He told me he would look into what 1 Corinthians said about homosexuality.

The thing that hit me the hardest was the point that he told me not to tell anyone what he believed and that he could not get fired because he needed the job. I am saddened by this. In being in the middle of the gay community and the Christians, I do not promote harming people for their beliefs. It is wrong that the gay community is punishing people for having a different opinion. Everyone has a right to their own opinion and there should be no negative consequence no matter what they believe. It just proves the point that we need to continue dialogue with Christians and being honest and open about our lives with them. The Gay Debate is a issue in the 21st Century. To punish people for their beliefs is to respond with hate back. As a gay man, I extend love to all people. Though I do not agree with this man that I was talking to, I can respect him and his life experiences. I do not have to be angry and hostile. As Joyce Meyer said, “Hurting people hurt people.” There is so much truth to this quote. As the gay community, we are hurt by others who disagree with us and try to keep us down – hinder us from being equal. It should not be our goal though to fight back in anger but to overcome with love. Using power to keep people down will only last for so long until the people are liberated. Love does not keep anyone down and freely liberates.

I am glad I had the courage to come out to this man that I had never talked to before and to have a conversation about sexuality and God at work. He also told me that his brother was gay. I hope that maybe my discussion with him could bring liberation to that relationship and the family’s relationship with his brother. As always it is not my job to change people’s hearts and minds. My job is just to be open and honest about my life and the rest will fall into place.

-Josh

(Photo Courtesy of Welcome to the New Age via Tumblr)


Brendon and Coffee

On Sunday, Brendon and I had scheduled to meet and hang out at the local coffee place. I took the time to dress up a little more with a sweater and nice jeans. We see each other in a t-shirt and shorts all the time so I wanted to be able to show him more of who I was than just my work clothes. I got to the coffee place early to clear my head and prepare. He texts me at 2pm, the time we agreed to meet to ask if we were still on. I texted back yes and whenever he could get there was fine. He was fifteen minutes late from the time we agreed on. I did not know how to take it. He was probably busy but it just made me a bit more uncomfortable. Though at the time it was a little frustrating, him being late said that it was not a date and that was my intention. He also did not dress specifically for meeting together further saying to me indirectly that it was not a date. At this point, I really like his company. I really need it in my life. His personality has multiple things that turn me off and I still wonder if I really am attracted to him. I really love his eyes as they are big and full of personality. They have so much to say.

It was hard talking to him because I knew so much about him but did not want to come across like I did. He asked me my age and then asked me to guess his. I knew his from his Facebook but I did not tell him that is where I found it. It was not until last night that I texted him and told him about what happened with Facebook. His internet is down so he never got my message.

He mostly talked and we talked about work. He has a harder job than I do and people that just do not want to work or help him. I feel for him and wish I could be there to help.

In talking, he told me that he has a gay brother who is a year younger than him. He was diagnosed with HIV and the man that gave it to him gave it to him on purpose. His brother is going to go after the man legally. My heart was tugged on and it was yet another reminder of how important launching my business is – how needed it is. For a while his brother was paying $10,000 a month for medication for HIV and also eye medication as he had a condition that if he did not take it he would go blind. Brendon does a good job in making sure he spends time with his brother and keeps him thinking positive. I honestly do not know what I would do if I got HIV. My heart goes out to Brendon’s brother and I wish him the best in his fight with HIV. For Brendon to tell me that his brother had HIV made HIV so much more real to me. Previously, I did not know anyone who had it.

It was getting to be 4pm and my parents where texting me to come home for dinner. I had to leave but I could have talked with Brendon for a couple more hours. He suggested that we should do a movie sometime so hopefully we will do that on a weekend when we are both free. He also texted me later to say that he had fun having coffee with me.

Since then he texts me everyday and I text him back. We talked about sexuality two nights ago. I felt like we were dodging it so I came out to him. He already knew but I just needed to say it so we could move on in our friendship. He told me he was bisexual but he does not really know. He does not want to put a label on it and I respect him for that. I look forward to talking to him more about it and trying to understand what that is like. I had a friend in college who was bisexual but he had given up women from a bad relationship. I always just saw him as a gay brother. I realized I did not respect that fact that he was bisexual but I learned from that. Brendon told me “I feel when I look in your eyes that it will be ok.” referring to his sexuality. As any LGBT person, he is afraid of losing his friends and family. I am glad to have him in my life and to be able to wrestle with these issues together. Hopefully I can help Brendon be confident in who he is. It shows how much I have grown. Two years ago someone came alongside me as I was terribly wrestling with my sexuality and faith and now I have that opportunity to turn around and help someone else. I am grateful for the experience.

-Josh

(Photo courtesy of Welcome to the New Age via Tumblr)


Family Wedding

I had the wonderful opportunity of going to a family wedding yesterday. One of my mom’s aunt’s daughters was getting married. I have no clue what her relation would be to me but my family went to be supportive. The wedding itself was beautiful and simple. It was the first wedding of my adult life. As a kid, I had been to other weddings but I was so little I could not remember them.

As I watched the ceremony unfold, I listened closely to everything that was going on. I saw no reason why two men could not take each other in marriage; to announce to the world that they would be faithful to one another under God for the rest of their lives. It is truly something to be honored and praised. There was a female reverend and to see that was to see progress within the Church. Women also have been suppressed within the Church, not allowed to teach and be in leadership. Positive change is happening.

I thought about my own wedding and marriage. The fact that my parents hinder me from having something so beautiful and sacred. None of my extended family knows that I am gay as my parents do not want to deal with all the drama that goes along with that. Whenever my grandparents on my mom’s side are over, my parents are always around. I think my grandparents have a negative view of gay people simply because they do not know any of them specifically, unbeknownst to them that they do.

Honestly, I think that if I was married it would be the first gay marriage in my family. That is a blessing but also a huge responsibility. I do not want to loose family members over it though I was never really close to them to begin with. My mom’s side is not very religious at all and I would love to be a witness in what God is doing in my life as a gay Christian.

My dad’s side of the family we no longer talk to as they were giving information to my dad’s stepfather that they did not want given to him. That was the Christian side of the family. It is hard as well because my dad’s mother has cancer and since we are cut off from that side of the family, we have no idea how she is doing. Her sister thought it only right for her son to know when the rest of the family knew.

I never want the be one in the family that people think is too good for everyone else. I want to be a part of the family, even if I am gay. Sure, it will be awkward for some but I hope that we can learn from these experiences and grow closer to being a happy, loving family.

For now, I continue to grow deeper with God in my relationship with Him and bettering myself. God will bring the right men into my life at the right time. Marriage will come at the right time in my life. Just because I now have marriage on my mind does not mean I am ready for it. I need to know for myself that the man I am marrying is everything he should be and that I truly am ready to start the journey of a lifetime.

-Josh