Brendon and I had another day together yesterday. He took me out to Rockne’s. We enjoyed each other and had fun. I had not been there since the one where I live opened. He also had mentioned wanting to take me there on one of our first times we hung out. Since I do not go out to eat much, I thought I would leave a nice tip for the waitress that was serving us. At first Brendon was hesitant at my idea of giving her $20 as a tip but as the meal went on he agreed. It is always good to make someone else’s day when you can.
In looking back at yesterday, I just start tearing up. I cannot think of a better time that I have had with another person. It was just a really great night. We went back to his place to play some games with Erin – Uno and Clue. I have not played Clue in a long time but I enjoyed just it as much – maybe even more that Brendon was playing with us. For dinner we made Chicken Parmesan. We brought back dessert from Rockne’s to have. To just lay together, cuddle, and kiss one another was everything I hoped and dreamed for in finding a boyfriend. To finish the night off, we watched a couple episodes of Glee. We are halfway through the first season. I really want to get to the part where Kurt and Blaine’s story starts but we will get there eventually.
In cuddling, I told him I was ready to marry him. It took a while for me to say it but it came. I do not see me being with anyone else. We both have our flaws but I could devote the rest of my life to Brendon. Every time I see him I grow a little more love for him. Though we are not ready to get married and our state does not currently support gay marriage, I just wanted him to know how special he is.
We have little problems that come up but we easily fix them. All in all, we just make a great team. I honestly think we were meant for each other. As the new year approaches, I look forward to being with a boyfriend for a whole year. It is definitely going to be a new experience. My previous relationship only lasted 9 days and right now Brendon and I have only been officially together 6 days. I am looking forward to being with him and what the future holds for us. There is hope.
Brendon and I officially became boyfriends yesterday, 12/24/12. I planned for us to go to Earth Fare to show him around, get lunch, and buy our becoming official present. As soon as we saw each other, Brendon let me know that his brother Ethan was in the hospital again. (For those of you who do not know Ethan has AIDS which he received from having sex with a guy that gave it to him on purpose.) He wanted our time to be special and to forget about the hard parts of his life. Usually he would be there for Ethan in the hospital but he let him know what was going on and he planned on going to see him later in the day.
We ate lunch at the store. The store sells a line of candles that my company and I specifically help make. I have vowed never to buy any candle from my company so that I will not add to the corruption that is going on all throughout it. There was a candle from another company that I really liked ever since I saw it. Not bad in price and it was Macintosh Apple. It smells better than the company’s Apple Harvest that I help make. It even had personal significance to me. Brendon burns the free candles he gets from work all the time in his apartment so I knew he would enjoy it. Growing up, my favorite color was red and it had a red box. I really wanted to get a candle because that is where we first meet (at work) and in lighting our candle it symbolizes the start of our relationship and journey together. We kissed too after I gave it to him. When we got back to his apartment, we lit the candle and he loved how wonderful it looks in his centerpiece on his dinning room table.
This Christmas is different for me in many ways. I do not feel joyful. The Candlelight Service my family attended tonight was wonderful as always with the usual Christmas songs, Christmas story, and lighting candles. My candle reminded me of mine and Brendon’s candle. It reminded me that Jesus is the light of the world and that together Brendon and I can bring hope to others. That because we are together we are stronger. I want to be a light and make a difference in the world. Hopefully my up and coming company will be that avenue to achieve my goal. It is just not the same knowing that Brendon is not having as joyous of a Christmas as he could have. My heart goes out to both Brendon and Ethan. Ethan will be in the hospital for Christmas so Brendon will be there with him. No matter what I would feel for Brendon and Ethan but it just seems a bigger deal to me now that I am Brendon’s boyfriend. I am his other half. Now I am signed up to go through the loss of Ethan to Brendon and his whole family. Brendon asked me if I wanted to go with him to the hospital and I said not right now. I have meet Ethan once but do not want to see him like that. In the future, I know I will need to go and support Brendon. It is something I should do. Today was special because we both knew we were becoming official and it was last minute. I have not even meet any of his family other than Ethan and I would feel put on the spot. I would like to take it slow.
Where things are is Brendon can and has told people he knows that we are official. My parents do not know. I would rather have them meet Brendon and take things slow. It is hard to be closeted to a degree but I will deal with it. I do talk to my mom about Brendon about things that are going on with him and life in general. I hope they come around. The only thing I can really do now is keep communication open and hope for the best.
I still have doubts but I am taking one brick off the wall at a time. If we never take risks in life, we will never get anywhere and life will fail to be anything worth living. Being with Brendon is a risk I am willing to take. I want to be there with him and be all that I can be, give all I can give. This is a new chapter of my life and one I pursue with determination and strength. I am not afraid of the problems we face together knowing that God is with us and there is nothing to worry about. Things will be okay no matter what we face.
I decided that it was not the right time for Brendon and I to move in together. Sure, it would be wonderful but I am not financially stable enough to do that. With still paying off college loans, I would pay less still living with my parents. I told Brendon that I would have them payed out in a year and we will discuss it more when the time comes. One thing that we were both concerned about was if we were going too fast. Moving in would be too fast for both of us. December is the third month that we have been able to hang out since we have meet each other. The year will help us to further get to know each other before we take a big step together.
Brendon also asked me if I would want to go with him to Chicago to meet his best friend Seth in March. I am excited and nervous but more needs to be done with that before anything is official.
I love Brendon. Though he is not the hottest guy in the world, he is my man and that is what matters. I love him for who he is. I wish that he did not have to deal with all the drama that he deals with with his family and moving currently. Having the debt that he has stresses him out and it is hard to watch sometimes. I hope that one day neither of us will be worrying about money and paying bills. It is a wonderful feeling to know that I am loved unconditionally by Brendon. I do not feel I deserve it. Though I am not perfect, I am still loved.
Originally Brendon and I were not going to see each other this week because we were both working seven days a week. Not because we wanted to but because we were forced to. Some events occurred and it looks good that I will have tomorrow off. If I do, Brendon and I are going to hang out. We hung out after I got off of work Thursday and it was a good time. We cuddled in the back of his car and talked. I am doing better with those times. Usually I am so tired and drained that I just want to be mellow while Brendon gets all hyped up and laughable.
Brendon and I are doing well together and I am glad for that. We are going strong. He asked me about Christmas and what I wanted. I told him I did not really need anything but if he wanted to get something to go ahead. Personally, I do not feel obligated to get him something because I got him a set of pans and a heart shaped cutting board recently. I would be happy with just having each other for Christmas. I do have a plan that I am getting him something when we are officially boyfriends to start that part of our lives. He knows that I have something up my sleeve but does not know what yet.
God Bless,
Josh
(Photo Courtesy of Welcome to the New Age via Tumblr)
Yesterday Brendon and I hung out at his place. I was tired so we decided to take a nap. We were planning on having Brendon’s brother, Ethan, and his boyfriend Keith over for dinner and a movie later in the evening. We laid down together but I was more in the mood to talk than sleep. We talked and laying down made me more relaxed. Our faces pressed against one another. His dog, Rascal, was even laying down with us. He just always wants to be with us. Brendon brought up again that it was hard to not kiss me and we talked about it more. I was curious to know what kissing was like and to kiss another man. My curiosity got the best of me. I kissed him on the lips first. My lip virginity is now gone. To be honest, kissing is not all that I expected. It is romantic but it is also messy, sharing each other’s spit. I am disappointed in myself for going against a boundary I had placed in front of myself. I cannot do that again. At least it is not something that I would regret. I do not regret kissing Brendon because I love him and our love is only growing for each other. Having the uncertainty of when we would be officially together, I can understand why I did why I did but I cannot compromise again. I also cannot let Brendon compromise me and my boundaries. We are becoming comfortable with cuddling and touching each other; maybe too much. It would honestly be my biggest regret losing my sexual virginity before marriage. I will not do that and will not compromise on that.
Brendon and I tried to make my mom’s recipe for Swedish Meatballs but failed at making the sauce. It was an easy fix to modify it to spaghetti and meatballs as our dinner with Ethan and Keith. We all watched The Odd Life of Timothy Green and had ice cream floats for dessert. It was an off night for both of us. Brendon was disappointed that our sauce did not work out but we improvised well and everything was okay. We should not be afraid of failure. We tried something new and it did not work so we just will not do it that way again.
When Ethan and Keith left, Brendon and I watched Life After People. It is a show about human made structures and things and how they exist after people are done using them. I found it to be very interesting. We then cuddled and kissed some more. When it was time to go, he kissed me with tongue. I touched his tongue with mine. He told me that he did not enjoy kissing but loved kissing my lips.
It was an interesting day, good and bad. I realized that I would rather be touched and held than kissed. I did not feel that great because I was tired and maybe that is why some things went the way they did. We will see what happens in the future. I am curious and hesitant. My mind and body is crowded with emotions, too many to count. I do not understand all of them or why I feel them but I know they are there and I acknowledge their presence. I love Brendon but maybe kissing all the time just is not for me.
-Josh
(Photo Courtesy of Welcome to the New Age via Tumblr)
Brendon and I had a wonderful time spending the day together on Saturday. We put up his Christmas tree. I had never seen a white tree with blue lights before but it turned out to be a very nice tree. He made us grilled cheese for lunch.
I brought over Prometheus for us to watch together. He brought us a blanket and we cuddled together. I had wanted to see that movie ever since I saw the trailer for it. When it came out in theaters, my local movie theater only played it once at noon everyday so I could never go. Overall, I enjoyed the movie though it is not one I would watch over and over. It would be nice if there was a sequel as the movie ended with some loose ends left undone. The whole concept of another life form creating humans was interesting.
The pieces are starting to fall into place. Rascal, Brendon’s dog, started to cuddle with me on my lap. He is a Jack Russell Terrier. After we grabbed Burger King for dinner, we cuddled on the couch again and just talked. Brendon right beside me and Rascal laying on my lap. It just felt like family.
Earlier in the week, Brendon had asked me what year I was born. He was researching into the Chinese horoscope. He is a dragon and I am a monkey. We are compatible according to that. Also, I looked at the zodiac signs to see what they said. He is a Pisces and I am a Cancer. We are compatible that way as well since we are both water animals. I do not believe that the stars have any powers of their own but were created by God. It does make sense that depending on what month we are born, we experience different things first because it is that time of the year. It was very interesting to read our compatibility when it to zodiac signs. Some of the things mentioned where right on when it comes to who we are as people while others were not. I do not believe in the zodiac signs but I am open to reading about them and understanding how they came about. It was just comforting to know that we are considered a compatible match, Brendon and I. Ultimately, it matters what God thinks and what God wants for our lives but I am encouraged that some people would agree that we are meant to be.
Saturday made me fall for him even more. We rub noises and he calls it a koala kiss. We kiss each other but not on the lips. I want to save that for when we are boyfriends officially. Technically, we are friends seeking to be boyfriends when it is right for both of us. Brendon is a good man and I am glad I found him, that he is a part of my life. We all have our flaws but I could potentially see myself living with him for the rest of my life. I love being there for him through all that he is going through. We have had our ups and downs but I am looking ahead and hoping the best in the future.
-Josh
(Photo Courtesy of Welcome to the New Age via Tumblr)
On Wednesday, Brendon texted me while I was on break at work:
“I think about you a lot. What do I need to do for your door to be open?”
Honestly, I was surprised but I let him know that Sarah got in the way of us and also my parent’s views on my sexuality. My mom is still in the process of responding to me when it comes to me having a boyfriend or marrying another man. He then responded with:
“Okay. I’m going to talk to her today. It is not going to work out.”
I texted him when I got off of work and we talked on the phone. He ended his relationship with her. All Sarah wanted to do was change him and Brendon did not want to feel like a puppet anymore. He disliked that she showed no emotion in their break up and even knew that it was coming. She told him that she is not going to the Bible Study they both attended because she does not like it. That made her look like a hypocrite in his eyes. She was still willing to go out and celebrate Brendon getting hired in at the place where we both work. Brendon does not even want to do that. He is done being manipulated.
He did not tell her about us but maybe she suspected it. She deserves the truth but Brendon said there was already enough reason to break up with her that he did not need that “final blow”. He really tried to be nice about everything. In the beginning, he had feelings for her but the more she controlled him the more they grew apart. It is Brendon’s call if he wanted to tell her or not. I have always been and always will be a person of honesty and integrity but it is not my place to say anything and make this even worse for Brendon. The break up is the best for all of us.
No matter what Brendon would do, Sarah would always want something more. The break up was the escape from a emotional prison. Being a Christian, she wanted to do what was best for him in her eyes but she refused to learn and understand his life and situation. I think she refused to believe he was bisexual. He has a hard life. He is in debt over his head and trying to pay that all off, his family is very dramatic, he works four different jobs, and his brother is dying of AIDS. He does not need another person to come into his life and cause more drama. I want to wipe away all the pain and hurt he feels. The difference between Sarah and I is I will work with Brendon instead of against him. I think Sarah meant well and was on the right track in trying to help him but the way she went about things was not what Brendon needed.
I do not look down on Sarah for who she is or what she did to Brendon in this short period of time. She is a person just like everyone else who was trying to do her best but it just was not enough. What Brendon told me about her will not fog my view of her. He just has different experiences with her than I do. I will not deny what she did to Brendon but she is not a completely bad person. What saddens me the most is I felt that I fought for Sarah more than he even did. He probably would have cheated on Sarah with me if I had not put my foot down and said that was not going to happen. I was not going to let him cheat for her sake and I was not going to be the person he cheated with. He has enough drama in his life, he does not need even more. Sure, this was a messy situation but I think it was handled the best way it could have been handled.
Brendon and I are continuing to keep in contact and hopefully a relationship will be coming up in our future. I still have doubts and insecurities about us and I keep those in mind but I am going to give Brendon a fair chance. Deep down I believe that Brendon is a good man that has not always chosen the right choices in life and right now he is paying for those choices. Hopefully I can be there to help him navigate through life easier and share something special between the two of us. Hopefully he will not be lonely for much longer.
-Josh
(Photo Courtesy of Welcome to the New Age via Tumblr)
Since Brendon and I usual hang out only once a week, he offered to take me home after work on Monday. He goes to a Bible Study near work so it would not be a problem for him. On Sunday, he was wrestling with his Sarah vs. me situation. I was planning on talking to him about her and seeing what I could do to help.
When work ended, I looked all over the parking lot. He was not there so I texted him. I got a response back that he would be there in eight minutes. It was a bit chilly out. I had my coat in my hand but I did not put it on. I did not want to wait inside for him. By this time, everyone else had left so I just stood there in the middle of the parking lot waiting for him.
He arrives right when he said he would. I realize when he pulls in that he has someone with him. He parked the car and both Brendon and this other person get out of the car. Brendon introduces me and this other person. It turns out to be Sarah, the girl he is in a relationship with. Brendon had parked right next to her car so she would not have to walk. They exchanged words and a hug all the while I was shocked and did not know what to do. This was the Sarah he had been talking about all this time. I did not really see what she looked like because she always had her back turned to me. I began to judge her as a person. I was jealous of their hug and how cute he was acting towards her. She gets in her car and Brendon invites me into his and when we get in he starts asking me what I thought. I still do not know at that point. I had a completely different picture in my mind of what would happen than what actually happened. Brendon did not warn me about any of this.
We did not have the best drive to my house. It is only a minute or two from work. I was still shocked. When we had hung out and made dinner on Saturday, he had told me to not be discouraged when it came to us but then I was hurt by what he was doing with Sarah. I felt cheated on.
I texted him and asked if I could call him when he got home. He lives a half hour from my house so it gave me time to think things through. We talked and I told him how I felt. I brought up the point that I wondered if he would be faithful to me after what I have seen him do with Sarah. He told me not to worry about it. His love for me is different than it was for Sarah.
He told me that Sarah and Sarah’s mom had called him conceited and all about himself. He did not know why and called Sarah selfish as well. They just were not working out. I forgave him for all of that and we ended our phone call.
A friend and fellow blogger helped me find this beautiful song. It just pulls at my heartstrings and is truly what I would say to my parents. Scott Alan actually wrote this song for when he came out to his mother. It hits hard as well in the fact that my parents will never “give me their blessing.” At the end of the day, I accept their wishes but I will choose joy over torment. Enjoy!
The purpose of this post is to open the window into my life and the experiences that I am currently dealing with. I do not write this post to hurt anyone but to expose truth – bringing situations into the light. To the gay teen readers and gay teens who stumble upon this post, I write this to share that there are other people going through the same things and hopefully we can all go through them together so that we will see a brighter day in the future.
I have come to find that parts of me are caged; parts that every human has that I cannot use. My heart is caged. With living in my parents home, I cannot have a boyfriend for they feel that it is sin. Loneliness is getting to me yet there is nothing I can do at the moment. There will a day when I leave my parent’s home for good but that day has not yet arrived unfortunately. My voice is caged. Being on Facebook, my dad has to be friends with all his children to monitor what they do. In the past, he has asked me to take down a Facebook status, about the topic of gay, down because he did not agree with it. He has also texted me about being “offended” for liking two pictures of men in their underwear. I love and respect my dad though he is close-minded and in denial of my sexuality. I wish he would see though that all he is causing is pain and hurt and is not doing anything to help. When we talk he cannot truly listen to me and what I have to say – everything is just filtered through his “Josh is not gay, he can change. I see Josh as a straight man.” mentality. I thought he was being open and willing to talk until we would make a comment that just shattered everything. How I needed a hobby to get other my sexuality or laughing at the idea of having an experimental boyfriend to figure out more about my sexuality. How I had to explain to him what “ex-gay” and “ex-gay ministries” were because he will not do the research to further understand me. Him not doing that research says to me that he does not really love me. If he loved me enough, he would do it because my sexuality is important to me and it should be important to him. He does not do it because he does not believe I am gay. As I write this I feel anger and just want to cry but this is what I deal with. I wish I had accepting parents. God is using is though so that when I look back on it, I will be stronger because of it. I feel no other choice but to move out of the house when the time is right and distance myself from my parents. I will not hide when I get engaged from them, if that happens in my lifetime. It does not change that I still need to be real, honest, and myself to everyone. At the end of the day, I just want to be happy. God wants me to happy and enjoy my life but where I am at, with the caged heart and voice, I can only feel less than of a person and defeated. Though I do have hope that God will use these experiences to help me and others. I look forward to what is ahead and that gives me strength to carry on. We all go through times of trial and heartache, but it helps us become better people. We would not learn those lessons without the pain.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers as my next step is to write a letter to the leaders of my church about my experiences as a gay Christian man in the church. Hopefully it would not have a lot of backlash but I need to “be real” to the people around me about myself and take a stand for what I believe in. One of the reasons why my dad asked for the Facebook status to be removed was because that status “effects our whole family”. It just tells me that he is ashamed of my sexuality and in turn ashamed of me. I will never be good enough for him (because I am not straight) but I have excepted that because I do not need his approval to be successful in my relationships, in my faith, in my career, in my life. Part of my story is I was abused at the age of 10. People will look at my dad differently because of that, whether they want to or not.
In conclusion, I challenge us all (me too) to come into friendships/relationships that we have with other people, that we listen to them openly and honestly and strive to give them what they need. Let us be humble enough to step back sometimes and say “I think I should do this for this person but they really need this so I will do that instead.” Let us not become so hardhearted and close minded that we cannot love people and help when we are in need.
Gay Everyday 