Brendon and I have decided to start a new tradition for us. Our local Lemonberry is open for an hour after I get off work so we will head over there every Friday night to celebrate another week successfully completed and enjoy some frozen yogurt. Last week I got Raspberry and White Chocolate Mousse. Yum! The store also just so happens to be on the town square where there is a beautiful Gazebo and places to sit in the center of town. After that we will go back to his parents’ house and sleep over together.
We are both missing each other but this time and opportunity only grows us closer together. I continue to pay off my college loan. A crutch though may be some medical bills that I have recently acquired. Two bills both around $500. This could add another month onto waiting to get a place together but I have been getting overtime and hopefully that will buffer it.
The one bill was simply put on my bed; having been addressed to my father and had been opened. I guess he wants me to pay it but yet does not communicate or even talk to me about it.
We are both looking forward to celebrating the Fourth of July, my birthday, and our trip to Kennywood.
Last week, Brendon and I had the chance to catch “The Great Gatsby” at the movie theater after I got off work. (We were both shocked that it’s $10.25 a piece to see a movie now.) It had been a book that we had both read in high school and knowing it was a love story, it could not be that bad if it was not that great of a movie. Overall, I enjoyed it though the beginning was slow. I love the signature song: Young and Beautiful by Lana Del Rey. I like the quality of her voice. One current trend of music has been women with unique voice qualities like Lana Del Rey, Florence Welch from Florence and the Machine, and Adele. The chorus is really touching:
Will you still love me when I’m no longer young and beautiful?
Will you still love me when I have nothing but an aching soul?
I know you will. I know you will. I know that you will.
Will you still love me when I’m no longer beautiful?
During the movie, I thought of Brendon when it played. We are meant for each other even when we are no longer young and beautiful. Our hearts will forever be entwined in each other.
This week I had a minor surgery. The doctor has made me take off work. It has given Brendon and I more time to see each other. He has been over every single day after work. That has been nice. He even surprised me with a box full of gifts to help me recover from my surgery. He is just so sweet.
Right now we are both looking for different jobs. The current company we work for is on the verge of collapse if not turned around from the direction they are headed in. I am looking into possibly doing retail for Yankee Candle Company. I have never done retail before but think I would enjoy it. Just trying to take the next step in my life.
God Bless,
Josh
(Photo of Brandon Brown and Colby Melvin Courtesy of Facebook)
Easter went better than either of us could have expected. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would have a husband in my parent’s house sitting down and eating a meal. My parents genuinely liked Brendon and Brendon liked them. Brendon is a handy man; loves to fix things. He was able to connect in a way with my dad that I never could. We had dinner and slipped away into the basement where we watched The Guardians, that my siblings had rented, wrapped up together in a blanket. A sweet happy time together. My grandparents did not ask anything about us being together. I do not know if my mom has talked about it with my grandma but I have never said anything about my sexuality to them. My parents had always not wanted me to talk about it. Now we are in a different phase than before. Brendon’s family did invite him to have dinner with them last minute. After finishing the movie, dessert, and going for a walk; he went over to spend time with his family.
My mom later commented that she loves Brendon and I and cannot help being a mom to him though she does not believe that our relationship is right. I can respect that. I am glad that she sees that we are together and I did not have to point it out.
In spending time together yesterday, Brendon brought up the next phase of our relationship. With much stress in his life now, he has decided to move back home to become more financially stable. His current move has only put him deeper in debt and stressed him out more than ever. I can see and understand the decision. More than anything; I support him as I know it is hard to do but it will be best for our future. He sees it as an opportunity to help out his family and himself at the same time. His mom could use the help and he wants to be there for Ethan as he continues his journey with AIDS. When it comes to time together, it will force us to go out and do something: go to the park, out to eat, or to the movies. Mostly we have just lounged around on the weekends because we are both tired from the stressful work week. I think it will help us deepen and strengthen our relationship even more. There is also the option of going back to his parents house to watch a movie and cuddle.
It can be difficult going over to his parent’s house because of his step-dad Tony. None of Brendon’s friends and family really care for Tony and I do not really either but I make the best of it. I remind myself that I need to love him as I would anyone else though he can be a challenge to get along with. In time it is also a possibility that he could hang out at my parent’s house.
Since Brendon’s family was not really planning anything for Easter, my mom invited him over to share a meal with us and hang out. My mom has meet him in passing but this is the first time my family will meet him. My mom’s parents will also be joining us for Easter. They have no clue I am gay. Both Brendon and I are nervous about it but it should be easier than dinner with his family. Though each of our families have their little quirks, we can always work with the one that is easier to deal with. I am interested to see how my brother reacts to us as he is anti-gay marriage and anti-gay in general. It sounds like a recipe for disaster but I am hoping for the best. Hopefully everyone will have control and posse to not make this family dinner more awkward than it needs to be.
God Bless,
Josh
(Colby J. Melvin & Brandon Brown Photo Courtesy of Facebook)
Brendon and I have now been together 3 months and “married” for a month. It has been an adventure. Not so good this past Saturday as we headed to a production of Guys and Dolls that my high school had put on but even more amazing than I had thought on Sunday. A roller coaster of emotions on the track of life and relationship. More than anything, I am glad he is there and that I am there to be able to be there for him.
I decided that I am not going to audition for the summer theatre shows in my community. A local theatre company will be doing The Rocky Horror Show in October. Just an ensemble part in the show would be enough for me. They are also doing The Importance Of Being Earnest in May so I hopefully will audition for that as well.
Currently there has been restlessness between Brendon and one of his neighbors. To put simply: there are too loud. Loud TV, loud yelling – both the mother and the daughter, even being able to hear his neighbor pee through the wall. He is thinking about moving again to another place in our town that would be cheaper and better for him. There is many problems with where he lives now in his own place and with the neighbors. He wants to talk to the landlord about soundproofing the walls between them but with the lack of action that the landlord has taken thus far I doubt he will want to do anything about it. Brendon’s medicine cabinet and back door knob are still broken from when he moved in even after he called the landlord. The driveway is yet another nightmare that needs to be changed and worked on. Brendon was also thinking about getting a roommate as he says he is lonely but i think he is too fed up with the neighbors that moving seems to be the better option.
I am looking forward to living together with Brendon. It will be different than anything I have known before. The reason why we have not already is I would like to get all my debt payed off before I move in. Free my money up to live and not have to balance a college payment with everything else. Brendon is willing to work with me but I would rather be able to pay my fair share for everything. We will see what happens with that.
Things are looking up! Hope is always here!
-Josh
(Colby J. Melvin & Brandon Brown Photo Courtesy of Facebook)
In trying to find my next step, I will be getting into local theatre. I have currently been a part of six different productions throughout my high school and college career. There is a theatre organization that will be putting on two different shows this summer that I hope to be a part of. Many pieces will have to fall into place though. Currently working second shift at my job creates a problem when it comes to attending rehearsals. My supervisor did say that they would be willing to talk about a shift change if something did come up. If everything did work out, it would be beneficial in more ways than one. I would be able to do something that I enjoy and be able to attend rehearsals but it would also allow me to work the same hours as Brendon. As always when doing a show there is pretty much no free time but it would allow me to see Brendon more than I currently would working different shifts. I have got in contact as well with my previous vocal coach and she is open to working with me again. She is definitely an inspiration; a wonder to work with.
As I looked out on my college life being a Elementary Education and Theatre Performance double major I found myself to be unhappy in more ways than I wanted to be. The biggest part was I did not want to spend so much time on a show that I simply did not care about though my major required me to be. It was also a hard balancing act when it came to acting class, shows, and other classes not at all dealing with theatre. College was an emotional and metaphorical suicide. I feel like I can give more now that I do not have as many different areas of my life starving to get my attention.
Before I dropped out of college for financial reasons, I had a wonderful semester in Beginning Acting. I felt that I was actually getting somewhere. To define me as a great actor would be untrue but I am working on it and would like to become better. The biggest hurdle that theatre wanted me to overcome was to accept my sexuality. Theatre requires transparency and vulnerability from its actors. I could not be vulnerable in a role until I became vulnerable in my own life. I see this time as different. Theatre helped me to deal and grow through the situations I had and now I want to further embrace them so that others can be inspired to make a difference in their own life and/or in others lives.
Plunging myself into theatre will gain me the confidence that I desperately need. I find myself unhappy and ashamed with where I am in life and yet wondering where to go and what path I should take for the future. I want to help people and make a difference. This is one way to do that. Making candles in a factory is not something I want to be doing for the rest of life. As I look around, I see the trouble the economy is having and the lack of jobs. Realistically there just is not much out there. I know I have much potential waiting to bloom and thrive. The problem comes with what environment, what career, would best cultivate it. I feel that I have been given too many gifts and talents to honor them all. Where do I fit in? I could do pretty much anything. What is a career that combines my gifts and talents but yet also satisfy me? I am on a journey to find it and I have theatre by my side to help me out.
Please wish me the best as I embark on this new chapter of my life.
One day Brendon brought up that someone had made a negative comment to someone else because of their sexuality at work. I assumed that someone had said something about him. I wanted him to know that I was there for him and we let it go. It came up again only to find out that it was aimed at me. A good friend of Brendon’s that also works were we work asked who was running the machine and was answered with “Oh just a fag.” Brendon’s friend let Brendon know only for his friend to find out that I was Brendon’s boyfriend. His friend is very supportive but did not like the comment that was given. I was surprised to find out that the person who said it was the guy that I had talked to and wrote about in my post “Experience and Discussion”. In moving machines since starting where I work, I do work with this guy now fairly consistantly.
The first couple of days were hard for me as I knew there was a division between us. This is honestly the first time I have been called a fag since I came out. As I go back through the memories trying to recount all of this, it disheartens me. He did not have the guts to say it to my face but to backstab me for something I have no control over. As I thought about it more, he bullies me because he lacks confidence in himself. I possess something that he simply does not. I do not care about his opinions because they are simply that, opinions. He chooses to bully instead of trying to understand. Sexuality is a rough topic and with his brother also being gay I think he has a hard time wrestling with it.
Yesterday he actually made a comment to me. Our candles were pouring too hot; making them very soupy. He had took one of the candles out of the machine to check it. He compared what the candles were looking like to cum and commented that I liked that. In response, “Who cares?” It is just another stab. Your label of “fag” will not stick to me. I accept myself and God who made me. My love is sincere and passionate. I have a wonderful boyfriend and we have a wonderful life together. I am not going to be pushed down by someone else who simply is not worth my time.
For right now, it is what it is. If it does get worse, I will let someone know. I will not let it get to being a “Code Black”. (At work, a code black is where someone calls that over that PA system that there is fighting or violence in the factory so people will know and break it up.)
It is the hardest for me because we are brothers in Christ. We are both Christians and yet he chooses to bully me. I will not respond with violence but that is why I am easy target. I will do my job and not hold a grudge but he is walking on a fine line to loosing his job if he does not stop what he is doing.
I just wanted to write this post for closure. Last night Brendon and I hung out. As always, he let his dogs out to do their business before they would be in for the night. Rascal always goes out first. No problems there. When Bella went out, she got loose and came unhooked from the lead. This is the third time it has happened. Brendon looked around the house for her but could not find her. With not that much gas in his car, he did not want to go looking for her when it could take hours and still not find her. Neither of us wanted her to freeze but there was not anything really we could do. She did not have any tags on her because Brendon has been juggling around money since he moved and there just wasn’t any at the time for that. It is bittersweet as she was a big stress in Brendon’s life. It does not really make sense that she ran away either. I personally think she was abused before Brendon got her in order to have puppies. She was so skittish and shy. She would back up when you were trying to take the lead off of her. Whenever she was out, she would always pace. She would make a pattern and go from one end of it to the other over and over and over.
On the positive side, Brendon got back half of his security deposit from his previous place. Now money won’t be as tight.
Being with Brendon, as I have told him before, has shown me the world and what life is really like. It is opened my eyes to reality; both the good and the bad.
Brendon also had to take his mother to the ER. She is having problems with her hip and now has to use a walker. There never seems to seise to be things going on within his family. Ethan is in and out of the hospital and that is hard on everyone. One of his sisters is pregnant again. It is just a lot. I am so proud of him for what he deals with and goes through. It is not easy but he is a fighter and he gets through.
Last night he was just so tired so we fell asleep in each other’s arms before I had to go home. It was so cute and so precious.
Brendon and I have officially married each other yesterday and made the decision that we want to spend the rest of our lives together. Though there has been no ceremony or rings, we are thinking of using the rings we have for now for a while. Hopefully we can get the ring that Brendon got me as a promise ring resized so I can wear it and he has a ring with The Lord’s Prayer on it that he got from WalMart. With money being tight for both of us, we will do what we can but I do not need anything. I am just happy to be with my man.
Brendon has been respectful of me as I will not buy anything from WalMart because of their anti-gay stance or the misinformation that WalMart holds an anti-gay stance. Even if WalMart is not anti-gay, I would rather be safe than sorry. I will not hinder people from shopping there and people need their jobs to make a living. Personally I just choose not to buy anything from there.
I wish that all of these did not have to be so messy. The both of us know we are married yet no one else knows. I have not told my parents that Brendon and I are even together. Being an organized person, I do not like the lack of structure in our relationship but we are two men and society is society. It could be better but what matters is that Brendon and I are together. It is amazing how similar we are and yet we still have our own personalities and differences.
Right now we are both have debt that we need of pay off. Once I get my college loans payed off I would like to move in and help him out the best I can. I just want to see him succeed and be the best he can be.
I really love that we are both very focused on helping other people better their lives. Brendon has tossed around the idea of providing affordable living for people; inspired from his search to find a place in my town.
I know I have a lot of potential and could do pretty much anything. I just have too many ideas that I do not know what to do. I want to be successful and help other people in the process but I do not know what that is yet. Maybe it is the clothing company I dreamed about or maybe it is something else.
I just strive to be the best person I can be and take everything one day at a time.
In light of being faced with some opposition, I wanted to say a few words. Since Sunday happened to be the anniversary for the Boy Scouts of America, the troop that our church sponsors had a part of the service where they brought and placed the flags, lead us all in the Pledge of Allegiance and recited their pledges. One of the leaders also spoke for a little bit. How fitting with all this controversy when it comes to allowing gay people to participate in this organization. It breaks my heart to see a fellow Youth Group member be a part of this organization and knowing that he came out previously. Knowing that his family and himself has to bury deep inside him who he really is. People discount him even more because he has a condition, some form of ADHD. He can be hyper and full of energy, hard to calm down. With his condition, they deny his sexuality as part of the condition. He does not really know what he is talking about. I have not been able to talk to him at all since I heard that he had come out on a missions trip one summer. His parents are very protective like mine were at that age. I just wish the best for him but my heart breaks seeing that. May he be able to be happy and enjoying life to the fullest.
I write this to say that Boy Scouts of America is making a mistake in not accepting gay people. What did we do any way to deserve being kicked out? The organization builds many good and moral attributes into the young men they work with. Even gay men can benefit from Boy Scouts. I cannot wrap my mind around the reason for this ban. We are simply people trying to do the best with our lives that we can. We have no control over our sexuality. If we did the gay rights movement would not what it is today.
In banning gay people, an opportunity is lost. An opportunity to love someone and get to know them. Are we not going to treat everyone as they would want to be treated? To deny someone of their final badge not because they did not complete the program but because of their sexual orientation is far from anything beneficial. We cared for you and helped you go through this program but now we’re going to strip you of the confidence and feeling of a job well done. It is betrayal and backstabbing. This is only going against the principles that they themselves teach the young men. No matter what happens with the Boys Scouts of America, as one person I will love people for who they are. I will not waste opportunities to love and care about someone simply because I do not understand or agree with them. I am more than that and I think the Boys Scouts of America is more than that as well.
I also encountered a page that my brother had written to use for a Bible Study that he started. The topic was morality and servitude. He focused on The Decline of the United States and bullet point number one was gay rights. There are two verses and then raises the question of how does this affect us today. I cannot express how hurt I am by this. I have a wonderful boyfriend and we love each other very much. I do the best I can with what I am given. It just makes me realize that I need to speak up more and be more real than I ever have before. It hurts me to think that this Bible Study of high school guys is going to bash gay people and not allowing people to love who they love.
There have been times when I missed opportunities that I could have spoken up about my sexuality and my life as a gay man. Sometimes I just do not want to deal with it because it is always in my face, always trying to do the right thing. I need to remember that no matter what the response or the opinions of others, I need to stand up for myself and my fellow gay brothers. I need to be there for those that are hurting even when others will not.
Though other people can try to hurt us, it is ourselves that let it effect us. I am real enough to know that we have problems with the Boy Scouts of America and my brother but the point is to do the best that I can and not allow it to take over my world. We can never loose sight of the hope we have for ourselves and for others. There is always hope and there is always hope for positive change. What I say as a gay man is just as important as a well known gay activist says. We all have a part to help others understand and try to see the world from our eyes.
Brendon and I had the opportunity to spend the weekend together. We even had time to hang out with his brother Ethan and boyfriend Keith again and started packing things away to move. Last week Brendon was able to get a house in the town that I live in. He will not have to drive 30 minutes to see me or go to work. There are many benefits to the move. When he finishes paying the rest of the security deposit, he will be given the keys to move in. With the move, we will be able to hang out more. Usually if we do go out during the week, we go out to eat and just talk and hang out in his car after they close. Now we will be able to have a place to stay together.
We both realize that we are going fast in our relationship but that just is the pace we are going. I brought up marriage again since we both want to be intimate with one another. We believe we should be married before we have sex. As we thought about it, we could not find a concrete way to do things. In researching laws in Ohio, civil unions and same sex marriage are banned in the state. Only certain cities allow domestic partnerships and that is it. I think we also came to the conclusion that we do not want our families there though I feel obligated to stand up for LGBT people by having a wedding with my family there. Then again it is my day and I would not want it to be ruined though there may be hard feelings. There may be a vote on same sex marriages in Ohio this year but can we honestly wait that long? Will it even pass?
We could always just get wedding bands and just say we are married though we are not legally. I do not know what to do or what the right decision for us is yet. Our lives hold us back from getting married. With my college loan debt that I need to pay off and being accepted by the landlord to be allowed to live in Brendon’s apartment, life is telling us to wait yet we are ready for the next step.
I also wonder how to be pure sexually in all of this. We are ready to love each other on the deepest level possible. We are ready to commit our whole lives to each other. I do not have any other knowledge than the experiences that I live but when it is two guys we are both just revving to go sexually. I know most people will say it is fine to have sex with Brendon before marriage but I want to do what is right and I would like to have favor on our relationship together.
It makes me sad to see what LGBT people have to go through in the state of Ohio. I honestly feel trapped and that I do not really have any options. What have others done in the past to overcome this obstacle? I do not blame gay people for having random sex when they honestly cannot be married or have to settle for something less than what they want. There is also moving to a state that would legally allow us to marry as an option.
Right now we are just living day by day. I am going into work to pay off my college loans and be one step closer into being Brendon’s husband. If there is any advice to be given, I would appreciate it. I want to do what is best for Brendon and what is best for us.
God Bless,
Josh
Photo Courtesy of Be Yourself (Strawberries Are Blue) via Tumblr
Brendon surprised me with a ring yesterday! Not a wedding ring, but a promise ring that he would love me and to do what it takes in our relationship together. I had always wanted a ring since we were both playing with his one day I was over. He has a ring with The Lord’s Prayer engraved all around it. When he bought it, he knew it was meant to be as he put it on and it fit perfectly. He wanted to get me a ring very badly so he tried to hurry up and get it before I came over. Where he went there was not much selection so the ring that he go me does not fit as well as it should. (His fingers are bigger than mine.) It is a little loose. We are thinking that I am probably a 7 or 8 but I have never been officially sized. Not to worry, he had a back-up plan. He gave me a chain to wear the ring “close to my heart” as he put it. I would love to have a ring on my finger but I know I will soon. I really appreciate that he did this for me because it makes me feel so special.
As we were talking he told me that he thought about proposing to me but felt like it was too soon. I think this year of being apart will only make us stronger. 2014 will be our year as we move in together and get married. I look forward to the day with anticipation when we pick out our wedding bands together. Marriage has been a topic that has not been shied away from yet there is nothing set as something we have to do. On one hand I feel the weight of responsibility on my shoulders to have a wedding with both of our families there. To stand and make a statement that I love another man and that all people should be able to marry the person they love. At the same time, I would not want to have to deal with the drama of having a family wedding. Running off and getting married sounds great. Brendon even mentioned just inviting a couple friends. I do not want to shy away from my responsibility as a gay man or have people in my family think I think I am better than them because I never talk to or see them. It is my one day to feel loved and special. I will only get this once in my lifetime. It is a big deal to me and I would like if it could go as smoothly as possible. In talking, Brendon brought up that he thought about having our wedding under the stars. At first, it totally was not what I had thought but the more I think about it the more romantic it sounds so that option is also on the table.
The big thing that stands in my way is my parents. They know nothing about Brendon and I – our relationship together. Both of them have been open to talking about him. I am glad to see that. My mom said in talking to me once that she wonders where Brendon and I are – what our status is. I just want a good time alone with her to talk about it. There is also some fear in what she might say as I honestly do not know if they will support me marrying Brendon. I would really appreciate thoughts and prayers as I go through with this. It is one thing coming out, it is another to be honest about the rest of it. I wish it could be easier; that they accepted me more so I would not have to fear coming to them saying I found someone I want to live the rest of my life with. I can only be realistic and hope for the best. Great love cannot be separated. I care about my family and want to be a part of their lives but Brendon makes me happy and at peace. He lets me unwind and love life for what its worth. Hard decisions may be coming up for me down the road but that is life. All I can do is choose the best one and move on.
In looking back on my time with Brendon on Saturday, it was difficult to go through but it has made us both stronger. It made us grow closer in a way that we never would have had without the difficulty.
Erin’s boyfriend Jason happened to spend the night prior so when we got there they were both in the shower together. There has been tension between Erin and Brendon about numerous things, one of them being asking him if Jason could come over. She simply invited him without seeing if it would be fine. I had the chance of meeting Jason before they both left to go get lunch. He is definitely not what I expected when it would come to Erin’s baby’s dad. He seems like a nice guy and I hope everything works out with the two of them getting a place and having the baby together. In the last time I was over there, Erin let us know that we were the godparents of this baby. She does not really have anyone else to care for it if something happened to her and Jason. I appreciate that but Brendon and I are in agreement that we do not need to have kids to be a happy family. Honestly, I would not want to be stuck with Erin’s kid because she does not care about if she gets pregnant or not. If God places that baby in our hands, we will do the best we can to take care of it but I would rather not have to see that day. No matter what it is going to be tough for Erin and Jason to raise this baby but they need to take responsibility for their actions.
Brendon got me a blanket incorporating my favorite colors and with his cologne sprayed all over it along with a heart shaped box of miniature Resse’s Cups. I drew him a picture with the lyrics to our song in a heart with our initials and anniversary date. I like our romantic side of the relationship. In hard financial times, it is more than enough to just have him but I appreciate the work he put in to get me that gift.
I smiled as well when I saw that he had set his wallpaper on his computer to the picture I used for my “Official” post. He thinks it is so us. I agree. That lead us to say that we needed some pictures of the two of us. I do not know when that will happen.
We watched a couple of episodes of Dog Eat Dog. I had never seen the show before but I enjoyed it. Basically it is a show where people are playing against each other trying to win money by doing different timed physical challenges . We also played some Uno. In the process of this, Erin brings up her Sweet Tea story. Brendon and Erin went to McDonalds. Erin ordered a Sweet Tea. There was too much ice in the cup so the cup punctured and the tea came out of the cup. Eventually Sweet Tea was all over her and all over Brendon’s car. I called Brendon an “idiot” for letting that happen when he could have intervened and stopped the mess. When I said that, I just saw his face deflate. I later apologized for this. My emotions had gotten the best of me. I was just shocked that Brendon did nothing to help the situation. If it would have been me, he would have done everything he could to stop it.
Erin came up again in discussion with Brendon asking me if I thought he was a bad person. I said maybe and Brendon went to the bathroom and to do the dishes from dinner. I just sat in the living room with my thoughts. My mind went to the fact that I cannot be with someone who is not going love other people. To ignore what was going on I did not agree with. I honestly thought about breaking up with Brendon because of this. But then my mind went to our song. The words “I won’t give up on us” came to my mind. This was just a test for us. This was really our first argument. It seems silly that it was over a Sweet Tea but that is what it was.
I learned a valuable lesson that day. That even though what I thought Brendon needed was not really what he needed. Brendon was hurt himself. With much to bear, he was channeling the hurt he had on Erin. Though it was not right he needed help. He needed me. I put down justice and picked up love instead. I will never forget sitting on the couch with him and he telling me that it is hard for him to help others when deep inside he is screaming for help himself. Tears come to my eyes every time I remember this. A wall was torn down in his moment. Brendon has tried to be independent because he has been hurt so much by other people. He tries the best he can but people use him and make his life worse. He cried and I did not know what to do. I just wanted him to know I was there for him and if he needed anything; I was there. We hugged. He let me know that he felt that he was losing the one good thing in his life. I reassured him that that I was not going anywhere. I was distant in that situation because I wanted to give Brendon his space if he needed it. Though I like to resolve conflict quickly, I wanted to be sensitive to Brendon as well.
Erin will be moving to her mom’s house this week so much stress will be off Brendon. He will also be moving later this month himself. Though life is tough we get through. Brendon has many positive things ahead of him. He tried to do a good thing for Erin but it became toxic. It was nice to get to meet Erin from my perspective. Though Brendon and I disagree on the way things are handled, I give Brendon a lot of credit for taking in his ex-finance in her time of need. At the end of the day, Erin was helped in this situation. I think it is hard for both of them because they are both hurting in different ways.
I hope that with time Brendon will be able to trust me more and let me help him if he needs. As boyfriends, we are together. His problems are mine. I care about all that is happening in his life. If he needs help, I am more than willing to go the distance.
Brendon and I had another day together yesterday. He took me out to Rockne’s. We enjoyed each other and had fun. I had not been there since the one where I live opened. He also had mentioned wanting to take me there on one of our first times we hung out. Since I do not go out to eat much, I thought I would leave a nice tip for the waitress that was serving us. At first Brendon was hesitant at my idea of giving her $20 as a tip but as the meal went on he agreed. It is always good to make someone else’s day when you can.
In looking back at yesterday, I just start tearing up. I cannot think of a better time that I have had with another person. It was just a really great night. We went back to his place to play some games with Erin – Uno and Clue. I have not played Clue in a long time but I enjoyed just it as much – maybe even more that Brendon was playing with us. For dinner we made Chicken Parmesan. We brought back dessert from Rockne’s to have. To just lay together, cuddle, and kiss one another was everything I hoped and dreamed for in finding a boyfriend. To finish the night off, we watched a couple episodes of Glee. We are halfway through the first season. I really want to get to the part where Kurt and Blaine’s story starts but we will get there eventually.
In cuddling, I told him I was ready to marry him. It took a while for me to say it but it came. I do not see me being with anyone else. We both have our flaws but I could devote the rest of my life to Brendon. Every time I see him I grow a little more love for him. Though we are not ready to get married and our state does not currently support gay marriage, I just wanted him to know how special he is.
We have little problems that come up but we easily fix them. All in all, we just make a great team. I honestly think we were meant for each other. As the new year approaches, I look forward to being with a boyfriend for a whole year. It is definitely going to be a new experience. My previous relationship only lasted 9 days and right now Brendon and I have only been officially together 6 days. I am looking forward to being with him and what the future holds for us. There is hope.
Over the years, more and more facets have been added when it comes to customers choosing the products they buy. Personally, I support companies that strive to do their best and do not cut corners simply to save money. After I learned that the majority of clothes sold in the United States are not made in the United States, I stopped supporting Abercrombie and Fitch and other mainstream mall stores. Only 2% of clothes are made in the United States. This is because we have better labor laws than other countries. The majority of clothing companies in the United States outsource their clothing to other countries to be made for a minimal amount to turn around and charge customers of the United States as much as they think they can get for it. This causes for the greatest amount of profit but is it ethical? I do not support it because I will not support unfair labor laws of other countries. In not buying their product, I say to those companies’ workers “I see your struggle and I take a bit of that burden off of you.”
I used to believe that I needed to buy all American-made products but our economy work in an interesting way. Even if I buy products from a company outside of the United States, I still use American dollars. There is still an exchange rate and strength to how much the dollar is. My American dollars never disappear. They just get exchanged from one person to the next. If I see a company striving to do their best, I am going to reward them with my support and money as a customer no matter what country they happen to be in.
For example, I did not care for some of the gay men’s clothing companies of the United States. Their focus seems to be on selling sex alongside their clothing. Now that I have a boyfriend, I want to be faithful to him. Part of that is not going around and see all of these other guys and I would also include ads as well. I found a company that I like called 2wink Australia that produces underwear and swimwear for men. The focus is not on sex and they seem to have a strong, successful product. I have been waiting to purchase when I got the money and put an order in today for a couple of pairs of underwear. Hopefully I will be able to review the product and continue to promote a solid company. With less than 16,000 likes on Facebook, they have not come to their full potential but are moving in the right direction. If you have had any contact with 2wink Australia before, feel free to share your thoughts. If you are a guy who is interested in buying some underwear or swimsuits, please check them out and give them a chance. In looking for any posts about 2wink Australia, there was only one that I saw. As a customer, I have no problem spreading the word when it comes to a company that does business right and has a product that is everything it says it is. For more information: http://www.2wink.com.au/
I wish there was a easier way to keep companies accountable for the choices they make. As a customer, we have the power in choosing what companies succeed and what companies fail. We vote by how we spend our money. Let us reward those who work hard and give a nudge to others that they need to get back on track.
Two things that I hugely dislike about where I work is that they are not honest with their customers about their product. There are two candles stores: The main store which has the best quality of candles and the Outlet which has a lesser quality of candles. The company has decided to rename the Outlet candles a different name than the Main Store candles when they are the same wax and fragrance. The only difference is the quality. They want customers to assume it is a different candle and buy it. Also, when we change what fragrance of candle we are running, we put 12 “color change jars” through the machine. This gets all of the wax from the previous fragrance out of the machine and makes sure the next fragrance is ready to pour. They have decided to sell the “color change jars” in the Outlet as regular candles when they are not regular candles. They are a mixture of two fragrances. Also there are specific wicks that work best with each fragrance so the candles burn the best they can. The “color change jars” just have a wick in them. What wick the color change jars have does not matter though the regular candles do causing the candle to be sub-par from the regular candles. If a customer knew this was going on, they would not buy those candles but it happens. The company allows it to happen so that they can sell more product though the quality is way less than it should be.
I am appalled at what people will do to get more money and we need to be real and honest with people. When it comes to products and services, lying only hurts the company and its customers.
Many people just buy the product that are most easily available. I do not judge for that. It is convenient and it works. I just take buying products to the next level and ask myself and others if a specific company and product is ethical. It helps me make a more educated decision and further makes a difference in the world.
Brendon and I officially became boyfriends yesterday, 12/24/12. I planned for us to go to Earth Fare to show him around, get lunch, and buy our becoming official present. As soon as we saw each other, Brendon let me know that his brother Ethan was in the hospital again. (For those of you who do not know Ethan has AIDS which he received from having sex with a guy that gave it to him on purpose.) He wanted our time to be special and to forget about the hard parts of his life. Usually he would be there for Ethan in the hospital but he let him know what was going on and he planned on going to see him later in the day.
We ate lunch at the store. The store sells a line of candles that my company and I specifically help make. I have vowed never to buy any candle from my company so that I will not add to the corruption that is going on all throughout it. There was a candle from another company that I really liked ever since I saw it. Not bad in price and it was Macintosh Apple. It smells better than the company’s Apple Harvest that I help make. It even had personal significance to me. Brendon burns the free candles he gets from work all the time in his apartment so I knew he would enjoy it. Growing up, my favorite color was red and it had a red box. I really wanted to get a candle because that is where we first meet (at work) and in lighting our candle it symbolizes the start of our relationship and journey together. We kissed too after I gave it to him. When we got back to his apartment, we lit the candle and he loved how wonderful it looks in his centerpiece on his dinning room table.
This Christmas is different for me in many ways. I do not feel joyful. The Candlelight Service my family attended tonight was wonderful as always with the usual Christmas songs, Christmas story, and lighting candles. My candle reminded me of mine and Brendon’s candle. It reminded me that Jesus is the light of the world and that together Brendon and I can bring hope to others. That because we are together we are stronger. I want to be a light and make a difference in the world. Hopefully my up and coming company will be that avenue to achieve my goal. It is just not the same knowing that Brendon is not having as joyous of a Christmas as he could have. My heart goes out to both Brendon and Ethan. Ethan will be in the hospital for Christmas so Brendon will be there with him. No matter what I would feel for Brendon and Ethan but it just seems a bigger deal to me now that I am Brendon’s boyfriend. I am his other half. Now I am signed up to go through the loss of Ethan to Brendon and his whole family. Brendon asked me if I wanted to go with him to the hospital and I said not right now. I have meet Ethan once but do not want to see him like that. In the future, I know I will need to go and support Brendon. It is something I should do. Today was special because we both knew we were becoming official and it was last minute. I have not even meet any of his family other than Ethan and I would feel put on the spot. I would like to take it slow.
Where things are is Brendon can and has told people he knows that we are official. My parents do not know. I would rather have them meet Brendon and take things slow. It is hard to be closeted to a degree but I will deal with it. I do talk to my mom about Brendon about things that are going on with him and life in general. I hope they come around. The only thing I can really do now is keep communication open and hope for the best.
I still have doubts but I am taking one brick off the wall at a time. If we never take risks in life, we will never get anywhere and life will fail to be anything worth living. Being with Brendon is a risk I am willing to take. I want to be there with him and be all that I can be, give all I can give. This is a new chapter of my life and one I pursue with determination and strength. I am not afraid of the problems we face together knowing that God is with us and there is nothing to worry about. Things will be okay no matter what we face.
I started a website so I could fundraise money for the company that I will be starting. Please feel free to check it out and if you are led to give, you can send me a comment with your email address where I will send you a request and you can complete your donation. There is much work to do before Man 2 Man Clothing Company becomes a company but I am looking forward to the journey that God has given me the opportunity to go down. If you are unable to give, thoughts and prayers are always appreciated. As well, please spread the word about my new upcoming company. Hopefully we can have success in both making gay men look and feel good but also helping gay men in need.
I had a good time again with Brendon. It was a little awkward at first to hang out with both Brendon and Erin, his ex-finance, but we made it work and all had a good time. We watched movies and played games.
I had feelings of doubt throughout the night. We cuddled as we watched a movie and it was nice but I did not feel like I needed it or enjoyed it. When Erin went to work we watched Glee and cuddled. Again I felt the same thing. I have always told myself from when I first accepted who I was that I just wanted to happy. I do not feel that God would want me to be in pain and hurt my whole life over the issue of my sexuality. Every time I say that things go okay for a while and then I hit a wall. Last night, I hit a wall again. I love Brendon and I want to love him. If it is best for us to be together for the rest of our lives, I want to be able to share that with him. I let him know I am having these doubts. Never will I repeat what Aaron did to me in just breaking up with me when he had doubts about us but did not tell me and made me feel that it was my fault that we were breaking up. I just want to rip my heart out so I do not have any feelings. It is either really good feelings or really bad ones.
If we ever are to move forward in our relationship, I need to trust him more. I cannot come out and say my deepest darkest secrets with him. I have to force myself to say them. I still get nervous wondering what he is going to think about what I tell him. Confrontation is another area I need to work on in our relationship. There could be things that I could say to help him be a better man but I do not say them. I do not want to feel like I am changing him into what I want him to be.
I just wanted to use this post to be real and honest about what is going on. Life and love is not always a cake walk. It hurts me so much that I have the feelings I do and it makes me cry. I think it is hard for me that we are not official. That is killing me. Maybe I should go to my parents again. It is also different now that Brendon has Erin living with him. It is obvious that Erin gets on Brendon’s nerves but he is trying his best to help her out. Erin likes me and approves of us being together. I just want her to like me no matter what I am to Brendon. Be the best person I can be. Soon it will not be a problem as Brendon is moving so we will not have a third wheel all the time. Having her there though is a good thing as well because we are not so focused on the physical and we just do things together and have fun. We are going to see each other again on Christmas Eve so hopefully that goes well.
There has always been this stereotype that male Catholic priests have sex with young boys. Some people ask what is wrong with these men that they would do this to innocent boys. As I thought about it more, I understood the situation better. The Catholic Church does not support homosexuality. Men who are gay feel that they cannot be themselves because they are taught that gay is wrong. They use becoming priests to reconcile themselves back with God, to try to be good enough to go to Heaven. They try to beat themselves into shape but they are still gay. They are also sexual frustrated. In their frustration, they act out and this is how this stereotype has started.
Above all, I am saddened for the pain and turmoil that these men feel they need to go through. It is pain caused by the Catholic church itself. I do not blame the priests themselves but the oppressive environment that they live under. It suffocates them and hinders them from being real and honest with themselves.
Being a priest is not going to make a person any better off. We all have our own individual relationships with God no matter who a person is. No matter what, God made you gay for a reason. I know it is hard. We all have our own stories and battles we have to face. We also know that God uses everything for good. Being gay is not something to be ashamed of but something that sets me apart from everyone else. My difference is my individuality, my strength. I would not be the same person if I was not gay. I would not see the world the way I see it if I was not gay. God has provided me with a difference lens into seeing Him and the world. I see gay men and women hurting and I want to do something about it.
I write this post today to spark thought into the stereotype of child molesting priests that maybe there is a bigger issue lurking in the shadows.
Brendon and I had a wonderful time on Sunday. He started off by telling me that his ex-finance Erin is living with him for a couple weeks because she was not put on the lease for where she was going to live. He is doing a good deed and helping her out in her time of need. I understand and I trust him. The reason they broke up is she cheated on him but he still feels that he should help her even though his love for her was gone a long time ago. I got to meet her. It was not as awkward for me as it was for her. I am always a a little nervous when I meet people that I have not meet before. The reason that she comes around though is probably because she still likes Brendon even though he has moved on. It was awkward for her to see me with Brendon. Another reason why Brendon is helping her out is because she is pregnant. How it looks now is Brendon is going to move into a one bedroom where he lives now and Erin and the baby’s dad will take his old apartment. Drama follows Brendon everywhere he goes but there is nothing I can really do about this. I am just trying to give Brendon the best advice I can and make sure everything is well for those involved.
We got Blizzards from Dairy Queen. I got my Raspberry Truffle that I usually get. He got the Candy Cane Chill. Brendon has a thing for minty foods. We also went to the store and made breakfast for dinner. French toast, sausage, and cinnamon rolls. He had wanted to make eggs too but somehow some of his eggs were missing so we only had a enough for the french toast.
He suggested a movie that he liked that we watched it but I was too focused on him to watch it so I missed key parts of what was going on. We also watched some Glee. There was plenty of time to cuddle as well. I love being in his arms.
From this time together my love has grown for him. A key part of this happening was I needed to let him love me. I was so concerned on if it was right or not but I needed to just feel the love he has for me.
I have justified the use of Romans 13:8-9 to support loving same sex relationships. “Owe nothing to anyone—except for your obligation to love one another. If you love your neighbor, you will fulfill the requirements of God’s law. For the commandments say, “You must not commit adultery. You must not murder. You must not steal. You must not covet.” These—and other such commandments—are summed up in this one commandment: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” (NLT). Honestly, I do not know what the phrase “God’s law” is referring to here but I would think it would be the law that God gave to the Israelites which included the Ten Commandments. This would also include Leviticus where we find two verses on homosexuality. This verse for me says love is never wrong. Love fulfills all. If we love and our motives are pure and right, we are doing nothing wrong. I love Brendon like I would want to be loved. That is what it is about.
Gay Everyday 
