In trying to find my next step, I will be getting into local theatre. I have currently been a part of six different productions throughout my high school and college career. There is a theatre organization that will be putting on two different shows this summer that I hope to be a part of. Many pieces will have to fall into place though. Currently working second shift at my job creates a problem when it comes to attending rehearsals. My supervisor did say that they would be willing to talk about a shift change if something did come up. If everything did work out, it would be beneficial in more ways than one. I would be able to do something that I enjoy and be able to attend rehearsals but it would also allow me to work the same hours as Brendon. As always when doing a show there is pretty much no free time but it would allow me to see Brendon more than I currently would working different shifts. I have got in contact as well with my previous vocal coach and she is open to working with me again. She is definitely an inspiration; a wonder to work with.
As I looked out on my college life being a Elementary Education and Theatre Performance double major I found myself to be unhappy in more ways than I wanted to be. The biggest part was I did not want to spend so much time on a show that I simply did not care about though my major required me to be. It was also a hard balancing act when it came to acting class, shows, and other classes not at all dealing with theatre. College was an emotional and metaphorical suicide. I feel like I can give more now that I do not have as many different areas of my life starving to get my attention.
Before I dropped out of college for financial reasons, I had a wonderful semester in Beginning Acting. I felt that I was actually getting somewhere. To define me as a great actor would be untrue but I am working on it and would like to become better. The biggest hurdle that theatre wanted me to overcome was to accept my sexuality. Theatre requires transparency and vulnerability from its actors. I could not be vulnerable in a role until I became vulnerable in my own life. I see this time as different. Theatre helped me to deal and grow through the situations I had and now I want to further embrace them so that others can be inspired to make a difference in their own life and/or in others lives.
Plunging myself into theatre will gain me the confidence that I desperately need. I find myself unhappy and ashamed with where I am in life and yet wondering where to go and what path I should take for the future. I want to help people and make a difference. This is one way to do that. Making candles in a factory is not something I want to be doing for the rest of life. As I look around, I see the trouble the economy is having and the lack of jobs. Realistically there just is not much out there. I know I have much potential waiting to bloom and thrive. The problem comes with what environment, what career, would best cultivate it. I feel that I have been given too many gifts and talents to honor them all. Where do I fit in? I could do pretty much anything. What is a career that combines my gifts and talents but yet also satisfy me? I am on a journey to find it and I have theatre by my side to help me out.
Please wish me the best as I embark on this new chapter of my life.
I saw a video of Dan Savage promoting his new television show, American Savage, on Facebook. His message is for the Christian Left to be bolder and let the Christian Right know that there are people who are Christians and support gay rights. I would like the opportunity to have my own take on this.
There are posts on WordPress that do oppose gay people and gay rights and I would like to start writing posts addressing those. I do not write these posts to get at the original writers but to show both sides when it comes to the topic of gay people and subtopics under that. From my perspective, I think some people are anti-gay because they have been fed lies about gay people and have had scare tactics set on them so that they will be afraid of gay people and not accept them. I would like to shine light on these false truths as a gay Christian man doing his best to live his life to the fullest and honor God. Hopefully others will be touched by these posts.
For those that are searching for answers and want to understand how or what to do when it comes to such a hot button topic, I want to provide a solution. Maybe it will not be the answers that they need but I feel led to share my side of the story. I want to show people how gay men see it and get rid of the lies that hinder people for being unified. If someone believes that gay is wrong and bases it on their faith or religion, I respect that. I would just hate to see people basing their beliefs on false truths.
All of these new posts will be under the “Deeper Discussion” category on my blog as well. I will still be writing about my life and Brendon but thought I would branch out more and take the opportunity to make a bigger difference. This is only one blog out of many and I am only one person but hopefully I can make a positive impact. I thank all of the readers for commenting and liking my posts. It is truly a privilege to share my life and my story as it happens. Thank you for listening and for this opportunity to share my thoughts, convictions, and passions.
Brendon and I were able to hang out for a while after I got off work on Monday. Ever since he has brought up wanting to move closer to his jobs, I have wondered if it would be a good idea for us to be roommates. He was going to move to a place right by my parent’s house with his sister but his sister was denied because they could not get in contact with her references. Brendon did not really want to live with his sister any way. His lease is up at the end of the year for the place that he is living at now. He is thinking of signing a three month lease so we could figure out if we would want to move in together once three months is up. Brendon is not letting his roommate (Ryan) sign the lease because Brendon has had problems with him not paying his part of the rent and has stolen things of Brendon’s before though he is never really there at the apartment. Personally, I do not want Brendon to be living alone because that means him working more. He already works a ton and has a large amount of debt so I do not want more stress on him to do that. Where he currently lives, it is a half hour drive to work and to see me. Saving on gas alone would be a big help.
I was talking about it to one of my coworkers yesterday and ultimately she told me to go for it. Sometimes we just have to take risks in our lives. I would definitely have boundaries if we live together. We would not be having sex and we would have an understanding of using the bathroom and showering. I think it could honestly be something that we both could be happy with.
In talking with him, I brought up again in a different way that I am not always attracted to him when I see him and how torn up I get about that. I do not have control over who I am attracted to. I just do not want to hurt him because I know he loves me more than I love him. He comforted me and said to not stress; just take it one day at a time. Every time we hang out I see us as good friend but then he looks at me with love in his eyes and I melt with love back. The last two times we have hung out, we have held hands. I was the one who first started it because I just wanted to do that. It feels good to have someone there for you. I just hope none of this goes wrong. If I had my way, I wish I was more attracted to him so there was not that potential that I would break his heart. Us has always been complicated. We are in between friends and being in a relationship. There should be a word, a label, for that. We introduce each other as friends though there is something deeper under the surface.
I am still waiting to hear back from my mom on where my parents stand on me having a boyfriend/getting married. When they find out that I might be moving in with Brendon, I do not think they will like the idea but at the same time they do not know me, the son that they have raised. They do not know the morality that I have alongside my sexuality. I am not the typical gay guy. I know that statistically people do not stay together that live together. Having boundaries will help us not fall into the trap that happens to other relationships. They have everything that they would have in married life yet they are not married so they see no reason to be married. It is just another complicated situation that has no word, no label, for it.
I am still thinking about all of this and hopefully I will pick the best decision for me.
(Photo Courtesy of Welcome to the New Age via Tumblr)
I just need a place to be honest about what I am feeling right now. Everyday I hurt because I cannot love who I was made to love. I am forced to deny myself by my parents and daily they reinforce the pain they are inflicting. They are oblivious to the pain they cause me because they are unwilling to accept that I indeed am gay. I do not fit into their worldview so they try to fit me into a box that I just do not fit or deny all of it. I will never deny that I have attractions to other men. God calls me to live a life of truth. Do you want me to lie my whole life and sin that way or commit the sin of homosexuality? This is why I distance myself from my parents. When religion and Christianity hinders a person from seeing another’s hurt and pain and to logically reason, it has gone too far. I honestly do not care if my parents accept my choices in life but I want them to accept me as a gay man. From them to see that, yes, I do have attractions to other men. All of this pain and hurt is real. So much so that I have a heart condition that doctors cannot tell me why it is happening. I give it to the stress of work and my sexuality struggle through life. Do my parents not see that they are killing me literally because of what they do? Do you want to have me as your son or not? I would not be surprised one day I just had a heart attack at work and past out on the floor. I am dying inside as I try to live my life. I long for love from another man. I am starving for it. Just a hug from another gay man.
I cannot go on to live a life in which Christians make gay people into aliens. I am still appalled that my dad would compare my relationship with my dog to his relationship with his wife. They are two completely different things. The Church wants us to not be human. Sexuality is a part of humanity as is loving another person. According to the Church we are forced to be aliens, sub human to the rest of the world, living alone and just going through life never experiencing love in a relationship or loving someone so much that a person would give their whole body to them. I will not be treated less than by anyone. This was not the way it was intended nor the way it should be. Some churches even ban gay people because they are gay. Gay people are sick and we do not want any part of it. I did not choose my sexuality so why are you trying to hurt me because of it?
I wish people would be able to see me, all of me, for who I am. Yes, I am a Christian. Many Christians will say Jesus is the answer. I have found Him and have a personal relationship with Him. What I struggle with is the oppression of a group of people because they are different. That I am seen as less than because of who I was created to be. God loves and sees everyone equally. Why do not Christians and people today? Stop fearing gay people. We do not want to hurt anyone. We just want to be treated like everyone else.
I just want to be able to be happy and be able to have that right. To be treated like everyone else. To be able to have a relationship that I am able to enjoy, to love and be loved in return. Being gay is not all about the sex. Being gay is about loving someone with all your heart and no matter what or how people may treat you for who you are you love them unconditionally.
I hope that people would see me as the gay man that I am. I am open and honest about my life because I want people to take their blinders off and see that maybe they do not know everything there is about sexuality. Sexuality is a complex topic and no one has it all figured out. I do not know everything but do not be a person that thinks they know everything and then pushes their views on everyone else. It is not doing one bit of good. It is only causing great tension.
See me for who I am.
In living out my daily life this week, I realized I was a hypocrite. I struggle with finding another man and being single. In my head I know that I need to be single. There are many things that God is showing me that I need to change and grow within myself, so much so that at times it can feel overwhelming. My heart yearns for the companionship of another man; to love someone and be loved in return. There are many times when I feel like a dying monkey starving for love. I had heard somewhere that if a baby monkey is separated from it’s mother after it is born, it will die in five days because of a lack of touch and interaction. There is not an outlet for physical touch in my life right now. I do have a good friend online that I can talk with and hopefully a gay friend at work.
It is in my best interest to stay single right now though my need to feel loved is great. I never want others to see me as a hypocrite when it comes to this topic. It is a struggle within me that comes out at times. The only way I will ever get that need is to move out. That whole process scares me. I know I need to make a plan and it needs to happen but I do not feel like I have what it takes. Sure, my parents tried their best to raise me but they raised me by controlling me and not allowing me to fail on my own. They did not parent with the end goal in mind of being a successful individual on my own. Now the stakes are higher and failing has a higher cost to pay.
Right now I would like to get rid of all of the college debt I have. It is frustrating as I am currently training to be a lead for one of the machines where I work. I honestly do not know if I want the position. The company is greatly falling apart and there is corruption all through it. I do not want to be hired in only to leave soon after that. I honestly don’t know if it is worth a couple cents more an hour and possibly a couple hundred dollars in bonuses if the company stays on budget. The only reason I am there is to raise money to live my life: pay off college loans, fund my business, money for a car and a place to live. I do not see myself there in five years. I have goals and dreams; a heart full of passion. Slaving away and stressing out to make candles is nothing compared to helping the gay community that desperately cries out for help.
I know that when I get through this stage of my life, I will be grateful for what I did and the courage that I mustered up to do it. It is worth it. I just need to be strong though I know not of all that will happen in the future. Hard times builds character and character is what will be built in me.
(Photo courtesy of Welcome to the New Age via Tumblr)
Like any gay man, I struggled with my sexuality in middle school and high school. I did not really have anyone to talk to. It was just me dealing with this huge stress in my life. Since there was no one else I felt I could go to, I would go to God. I would cry out to God tears streaming down my face, telling Him how I felt and hurt. He was always there for me. There was a reason God wanted to to go through that, what I would call, terrible time in my life. Having gone through it now, I am a stronger man and my relationship with God is stronger as well. God has a purpose and calling for my life. He wants me to cry out to Him when I am in need. He wants to bless me as a father his child.
Many gay men do not have good relationships with their fathers. Mine is no different. The wonderful thing though is what my dad lacks to provide me, God greatly provides everything I need. No matter how bad my dad has screwed up, I know I have a loving father figure in God who will never leave me and always love me unconditionally. I do not need to pretend to be someone else to be accepted. I come to God will all my baggage and give it to Him. We do not need to be perfect to come to God and for Him to love us.
To all gay men that read this and our struggling in one way or another with their sexuality, I would like to say “I love you buddy. We’re going to make it.” There is hope for a better future. There is always hope in God. I hope and pray that my readers would be able to see how much God loves them.
This video always makes me cry every time I watch it because I have lived it. I hope that this video encourages and reveals more of who God is.
It has me wondering, when it comes to gay men, that they want their marriage to be legalized and to be seen as equal to straight couples. Why do some gay men think that it is okay to post pictures of two men having sex over public websites when straight people are not allowed to do that? If we were being completely fair, if one is banned so is the other. We are not being treated any differently because of our sexual orientation. That is just the rules. Posting images of that nature also fuels the stereotype that comes with gay people: that being gay is all about sex. It is not. If a person is truly for marriage equality, they would not post such images because it only sets us back farther from reaching our goal every time someone posts them.
To support marriage equality 100% is to ban gay porn entirely. There is nothing beneficial for anyone who is involved with the gay porn industry, whether a gay porn star or someone who watches gay porn – supporting the industry. It is only hurting gay monogamous relationships and reinforcing the stereotype associated with gay men. Personally, I try to live my life in purity. Sex is an important issue for me and I want to wait until marriage until I give my body to another man, my husband. I do not want to see other men’s sexual encounters on the internet. Sex is an intimate and private activity between two people. When it is exploited and exposed, it becomes dirty and vile. Sex is a beautiful thing that God created. It is the deepest bond and the deepest portrayal of love one person could show to another. It further shows the coming together of two people in marriage. Two becoming one and creating something wonderful.
My heart goes out to those men who are involved in the gay porn industry. Being told what to do and with whom, no strings attached, not being loved but just being used. I wish them the best for their lives and if they want to get out of that industry, that they would be able to and to be able to start a new life. They are children of God just like I am. They should be seen as more valuable than just a piece of meat on a screen that other men lust after.
The gay porn industry would cease to exist if there was no market for it. It is the same with straight porn. It is up to the consumer to make the choice to stop funding this industry.
I know there will be people who do not agree with me on this topic and I am okay with that. My goal is to never change someone’s beliefs. We all have our own beliefs and I respect everyone else’s. I write this so that people will be encouraged to think about what is really going on in our world.
If there is something that I am not seeing about this topic or if there is another differing opinion on this topic, feel free to tell me in the comments. I would love to hear other people’s opinions on this topic, even if they do not agree with mine. Thanks!
I hope all my readers have a wonderful week ahead!